The Side Kick

Always the support and the go -to girl.

Always the steady rock and the firm tree.

Always the bridesmaid but never the bride.

These are all the things that describe the perfect wing woman; the perfect side kick.

But you know the thing about side kicks is that they’re only on the side for a little while. Side kicks are always in the wings because they don't realize that on their backs are the most beautiful pair of wings anyone will ever see.

I know this because being the side kick has been the story of my life. So easy to depend on but never allowed to fall apart.

Until one day I did fall apart.

The thing about falling apart is that it means you have now hit the lowest point. It means you've hit the breaking point, the darkest hour of your life. Sounds depressing right? Wrong. Because when you hit rock bottom your forced to look up.

It started with despair. Hitting rock bottom for me was the same as losing hope. I didn't see the point in trying anything if it meant I would just keep losing everything. Why bother trying if everything I did resulted in failure for me and disappointment for others. In my lowest point I couldn't help but start believing in the hate others fed me. When my job was going horribly wrong I truly believed it was because, as others had said, I was dumb. When I couldn't get a boyfriend I believed every negative comment about my appearance.

After despair came frustration. If I was ugly, dumb, and a complete wreck then no wonder my life such a mess. When would I get it right? How could I change?

Then comes epiphany. When you have hit rock bottom the only place to look is up. Looking from the bottom up I started seeing things from a different angle. I decided to get a different perspective. I started with my faith. Being a firm believer in Jesus Christ I believed in the scripture from John 3:16.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son; that whomever believed in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) (NLT Bible).

If I could believe that God loved me then I had to believe that God saw something in me worth fighting for. If He loved me so much that He would go to such lengths for me then that meant there had to be something in me that was worth taking a second glance at. But when I started looking at myself I realized that everything I knew about me was from the words of other people. With this knowledge came the epiphany; what if those people were wrong about me?

After the epiphany came the resolve. I am a researcher at heart. I can never look at a puzzle and not want to solve it. Thinking of myself as the puzzle, as the topic of research, I wrote down a list of what I thought I knew about myself. In the end I had a very long and depressing looking list. But with great resolve I decided I was going to challenge every item on that list and learn the truth for myself.

1. You are not smart enough to succeed.

There are so many things I had always wanted to learn but never actually tried because I was told I was dumb. When I started a new job my new boss insisted on take me to every meeting. He handed me project after project with more confidence in me than I had in myself. He insisted I had the knowledge to pull off each project and that I would in no way disappoint him. It was the perfect time to test out my intelligence. After a busy season my boss called me into my first performance review. And to my shock the review was a perfect score. He gave me a printed copy for my personal records. I walked away with concrete proof that I wasn't dumb. I was smart and I could succeed.

2. Your invisible and boring

While I was looking at my sister's wedding photos I kept thinking back to reception and recalling a certain memory. The groomsman that had walked with me down the isle had been chased by the female guests throughout the evening. He was a kind and handsome man with a gentle demeanor. He was also spoiled in his choice of dance partners. But for the entire evening he stayed by my side. He later told me he thought I was very easy to talk to.

While recalling this memory I couldn't help but realize that out of all the ladies he chose to be with that night he had chosen me. He thought I had words worth listening to and my presence was worth noticing. This meant I wasn't invisible because someone saw me and thought I was worth acknowledging.

This made me wonder how many other people had really seen me and would have talked to me if given the chance. So I decided to test myself by going out to eat. I picked a random restaurant and asked to be sat in the busiest part of the room. I left my phone in my bag and purposely didn't bring anything to distract or entertain myself with. I let myself ease into conversations without over thinking. The result was me leaving with a smile on my face and the experience of meeting some amazing people that thought I was worth listening to.

3. Your not brave

Anyone who knew me knew how passionate I was about writing and how scared I was to share my writing. Writing has always been a part of me. If I showed my writing to others it would be like showing a part of myself. The fear of rejection was like a thorn stuck too firmly to pull out. In an act of bravery I decided to publish a book and see just how brave I really was.

The result was a life changing experience. The book did publish and an excerpt was read on tv. I didn't gain lots of wealth or fame from it but I did gain a sense of freedom. The book allowed me to meet other authors, to travel to book events, and to push my own boundaries.

The courage I got from the knowledge that I had overcomes my fear of publishing a book led me to trying other new experiences. I found the courage to later take a girls trip with my friend to a resort I had never been to. We went sight unseen and ended up having the time of our lives. After that I stopped telling myself I couldn't and started telling myself I could try.

4. Your ugly

Being that I was always the single one in my group of friends and was never the type to have lines of guys waiting to take me on a date- my self confidence had taken a lot of damage. It didn't help that bullies and haters had told me how ugly I was. With every year that I remained single I became further convinced that those bullies and haters were right.

But isn't it funny how random things can pop up and change your perspective? The day I decided to test myself was the day I rediscovered my love for games and foreign music. A Korean boy group I had been introduced to years before had recently gained immense popularity. Their band name was Bangtan Sonyeondan, better known as BTS. When I first heard their music they were still very young and unknown, their music lyrics only available in Hangul. Knowing only English I had no way of knowing what the lyrics in their songs meant. As they became more popular translations of their songs became available. When I received a copy of the English lyrics to their song Miss Right I was shocked. Everything that others had found unattractive about me was described as attractive in the song Miss Right. It made me think that if those seven handsome young men could say that a woman like me was attractive then maybe I wasn’t so ugly after all.

To test this I decided to do a little makeover on myself and try out a different style. I cut my hair in a style that was drastically different from anything I had done previously. Bought clothes I had always wanted to wear but never tried due to low self esteem. When I was randomly asked on a friendly date by a kind gentleman I said yes. To my surprise the man complimented my sense of fashion and laughed at all my jokes.

I looked in the mirror later on that evening and for the first time ever I didn't cry. Instead I felt hope.

I am constantly challenging myself and finding out new things about me that I never knew about before. With every challenge I have become more and more convinced that side kicks are not actually side characters. Side kicks are people that don't realize that they are stars.