Doggy Dog Days Parody

"Get a dog", they said.

"A young puppy will enrich the lives of your life and give your peace", they said.

Makes me wonder what kind of dogs they've had. Currently I'm standing in the rain locked out of my apartment watching my new dog tear apart the blinds and knock pillows off my couch.

God definitely has a sense of humor. I know in about twenty years I'll laugh about this. Then again it is late at night and I am soaking wet. Okay, forget what I said. I may laugh about this in fifty years.

It probably does not that the maintenance guy is laughing at me. Definitely going to leave a bad review for him on Yelp.

"Tell me again. HOW did your dog lock you outside of your home?" asked the laughing maintenance man. The same man I was seriously considering shoving into the mud.

If the man was not currently holding the keys that would let me get into my house, strangle the dog, and get a good nights sleep I would have ignored him. "She jumped and hit the lock."

Maintenance man, whom I have now dubbed "pain in the neck man", chuckled while he unlocked my door. To my horror the door opened to reveal the dog, covered in poop, sitting on my couch. Maintenance man, aka "pain in the neck man", let out a low whistle. Turning he patted my shoulder and said "Good luck".

Suddenly being locked out of my apartment didn't sound so bad. My eyes were watering from the smell.

Said dog looked at me happily, clueless the violent thoughts going through my head. I marched right past her to the bathroom, grabbing towels and as I went. The dog followed me, blissfully ignorant of my wrath. I pointed at the tub, thankfully the dog jumped in without any protest. I speedily dialed the nearest shelter as I scrubbed the dog. Grumbling and complaining under my breath. As soon as I could ensure the dog would not spread poop all over my car I was taking her to a shelter. I couldn't stand it. While I carelessly began to rinse the dog the shelter answered. "Doggy Wonders Sanctuary, this is Laura speaking. How may I-" I cut her off.

"I am not going to jail for this mutt. I am dropping her off at your shelter in ten minutes!" The dog tried to lick my face. What nerve! "And don't try to talk me out of it!".

The dog, not completely rinsed off, jumped out of the tub and ran down the hall. A trail of dirty water and soup bubbles falling off the dog and mixing with the smelly poop filled door way.

That was the last straw. I could get the car detailed later. There was no way this dog was staying in my home!

I was about to tell the shelter lady Laura that when I heard it. A squeak. A very loud, very close squeak. Followed by a fat brown blur that raced out in front of me. A fat brown blur that I truly hoped was a cat or a toy.

The dog dashed past me into my room, following the fat brown blur. I slowly followed behind. Almost forgetting that the shelter worker Laura was on the phone until she asked "Is that a rat I hear?".

I really hoped it wasn't a rat. I hate rats. But as I stepped into my room my hopes were not just destroyed, they were blown to bits. While it was the size of a cat , the fat blur was most definitely not a cat. It was a very large, very ugly, and very fat RAT.

The rat screamed.

I screamed.

Laura screamed.

The dog pounced.

The door bell rang.

I ran to the front door, phone clutched in hand. As I swung open the door the rat ran pass me, the dog following closely behind.

Standing in the door way was the maintenance man, hand hovering over the doorbell with his jaw dropped.

We stared at one another quietly while the shelter worker, Laura, continued screaming.

We kept staring silently until the dog came back, dead rat in mouth. The dog trotted to the middle and dropped the rat on the floor. Then turning to me the dog nuzzled my leg.

Glancing at the dog cuddling me, then to the rat, I put the phone to my ear. "Laura? Forget what I said, the dog stays." I hung up the phone and looked back to the dog.

The dog saved me from a rat. That alone is worth me being locked out. I can always, with help, correct a situation. No way in the world could I live with a giant rat. Maybe I misjudged the dog a little. So what is she messed up my living room? I was planning to redecorate anyway.

"My cousin is an animal trainer." Said the maintenance man.

Yes maybe that would do. With a little training, a little effort, and a lot of patience who knows other good things this dog can do.