The Infinite Project

It didn’t start out as my infinite project. But eventually, I had to face the facts. Once again, I had chosen a challenging and intricate project to begin a new craft with. Add a little bit of life into the mix, and you have a recipe for my infinite project. Let me rewind a bit.

I’ve always loved the idea of creating something complex from simple items. If I had to list all the crafts I’ve tried, time would fail me. I’m also very stubborn. Giving up is not an option. I always try to finish a craft once I’ve started. Even if it takes many years. I don’t go into the project expecting it to take years, but reality usually hits me once I’ve begun the process. I don’t know why I think the more intricate and detailed projects will take the same amount of time as the simpler ones encouraged for beginners. Why be content with simple and ordinary? This line of reasoning is what got me started on my infinite project.

Cross stitching. Taking an image and translating it on to canvas through embroidery thread. Little X’s of a variety of hues and saturation. Can’t be that hard, right? Probably not if you start with simple images with a few colors. Pft. Why do that when you can make a beautiful, detailed image? 140 colors, many of which don’t repeat in the same area. Yeah. That sounds better. This is the conversation I had with myself almost ten years ago. Little did I know what life had in store for me.

I remember a family get together where I was talking with an aunt who also did cross stitching. I presented her with my 20 page pattern and 4 page color key. She looked at it, looked back up at me and asked how long I was thinking it would take. I said I was thinking maybe a year. She laughed with that experienced aunt laugh and said she’d be impressed if I got it done in ten. Ten years? Really? I smiled and blew off the comment. I never would have guessed her ten year estimate would actually turn out to be conservative.

My one year estimate was approaching and I had finished about three pages of my twenty page pattern. I noticed my hands weren’t cooperating as well as when I had begun. My joints were swelling up and aching. I had to start taking multiple day breaks between cross stitching sessions. And it wasn’t just my hands. My knees were throbbing. I felt awful all the time. I had experienced these symptoms for a few years but they were worsening and worsening quickly. Multiple doctors visits didn’t produce any findings previously, but I was at the point I needed some explanation for what was happening. Eventually, after many more doctor’s appointments and blood tests, the tests showed I did in fact have something wrong. I was referred to a specialist, a rheumatologist, who diagnosed me with Lupus. All the symptoms, the illnesses, they all fit. And although it didn’t really change the symptoms, it did help to know what was causing them. But it also presented a problem. What did this mean for my hobbies? Even worse, my job required precise hand movements. I had to learn to balance my day job and hobbies. I had to have enough hand strength to do my job and limit activities which would potentially cause a worsening of my joint issues. What did this mean for my one year turned ten year project?

Over the years, I’ve had to learn my limits. It’s not been a pretty process. I’ve always been someone who, once I’ve set my mind to something, I won’t stop until I get it done. But I’ve had to come to terms with the fact it may just take me longer than I’d like. And there are certain things my body just can’t do. This means I’ve learned not to give my hobbies deadlines. I’ve also learned if one hobby or craft is causing issues, I may need to put it down for a while and pick up something my body can handle. It will always be there to go back to when I’m able. So my one year turned ten year project is now my infinite project.

It’s funny now as I look back on different parts of my cross stitch project. I can remember different parts of my life through the different sections I’ve completed. I also see the breaks in between. The ups and downs of my life expressed on a canvas slowly being filled in. I still have the same determination, the never give up attitude. Just years of experience and wisdom gained to go along with it.

Can a hobby teach life lessons? I know I’ve learned much about myself, the type of person I am. It doesn’t make me less of a person if I need breaks. It’s ok to have limitations. I’ve learned to acknowledge them and find ways to work around them. And I don’t need time constraints. My hobbies should lift me up, not cause unneeded stress. There’s already plenty of stress from daily living. If a hobby starts bringing me down, I’m doing it wrong and missing the point.

And now, as numbness and tingling in my extremities have become the latest symptom, I can do even less. But that’s ok. I still look at that canvas and it brings me joy to see what I have completed so far. And as long as it brings me joy, I know I’m doing it right. No matter how long it may take.