The Impalpable Scars of a Surgical Nurse

My name is Kathryn and I am lucky to have a second chance at this thing called happy ever after and I am letting my heart guide the way on this one. I am not usually one to express my emotions but this topic near and dear to my heart. Mental health concerns and nurse suicide is on the rise and I have zero tolerance for workplace violence especially in the operating room. My story is inspired by the song “YOU” by James Arthur that released in October 2019. The song found me at a pivotal time in my life and the lyrics greatly impacted my perspective regarding the trials and tribulations I have experienced in my life. My journey has been quite interesting but strangers would never realize the inner struggle I faced daily because I was wearing a mask to hide the pain I was truly experiencing. I am one of six children growing up in the small town of Murphysboro Illinois. My parents divorced before I reached the age of two and my mother moved out of state leaving me with my father. This caused me to have abandonment issues growing up and my home life was not stable. From the outside looking in on my family, no one would know the truth of what was going on inside my home. I did not let my home environment show through to others during my younger years. Learning quickly at an early age to transform my pain into power by taking a deep dive into sports and school activities taking my mind off of issues in my home environment.

I played every sport you could imagine and I am extremely grateful because sports taught me invaluable life lessons that would help me be successful in my future. I graduated high school with a certified nursing assistant degree and left for college on a full-ride scholarship in volleyball. Knowing that I wanted to continue my education in health care I continued to take classes but I was met with a detour when I found out I was pregnant at the age of twenty-one. I knew I had no other option but to get my life together so I left home with my son’s father and moved to Peoria Illinois. My goal was to provide my son with a better life than I had growing up.

With education being my top priority I applied for the nursing program in Peoria Illinois but was denied due to not having enough qualifying credits. This was a blessing in disguise because I was introduced to the world of surgery. I earned an Associate’s Degree in Applied Science: Certified Surgical Technologist. During this time the experience I encountered was instrumental in my decision to dedicate my professional career to the surgical environment. I continued my education obtaining a Registered Nurse Degree in 2015. I accepted my first nursing position at UnityPoint Health Proctor Surgery. Shortly after in 2016, I accepted a promotion becoming the Lead General Surgery Nurse. During this time I worked directly with surgeons, staff, surgical equipment representatives and other essential departments to facilitate a safe and efficient daily schedule. I also facilitated and participated in department committees set in place to ensure standards set by national government agencies were being upheld.

Beyond my solid surgical background, I am a passionate advocate for my patients and members of the perioperative team. My devoted approach when caring for patients and their loved ones created a positive environment, even in the most challenging circumstances. I value the importance of adhering to hospital policies and procedures along with referencing current A.O.R.N Standards to ensure a safe environment for patients and staff. My reputation as an important team member who always got the job done came from my demonstrated team-work and the ability to multi-task. I work well under pressure and can anticipate the needs of the surgical field preparing myself for any scenario that may occur. I take pride in the ability to adapt to situations as they arise.

During the first 2 ½ years of my employment, I was well regarded. I was sought out by management to partake in and lead organizational programs taking on significant department leadership roles by sitting as the Surgical Unit Council Chair, Magnet Ambassador, Engagement Champion, and Wound Champion. I was also a member of The Patient Satisfaction Committee, Employee Engagement Committee, and the Value Analysis Committee. My work performance was considered to be fully acceptable and I was seen as a respectable representative of UnityPoint Hospital Surgery Department with leadership even sending me to The Association of peri-Operative Nurses national conference in Boston in 2017. Also, U.P.H paid a sum of $20,640.00 for my tuition with the respect that U.P.H “Encourages and financially assists high performing employees that continue their education and have been identified for a future position at U.P.H to support organizational succession planning.” (Ref: U.P.H Policy #: A-7.2)

Unfortunately, I was not prepared for the turn of events my life would soon take. Beginning in late 2017 and extending through 2018, I developed concerns about patient safety and welfare brought on by the lack of action from my leadership team.

My concerns included the leadership team’s: a) failure to adequately staff for backup coverage; b) failure to repair defective computers and phone systems in the surgical suites needed for communication in emergencies; c) failure to address nurse’s consumption of alcohol while in an “on-call” status; d) allowing patients to be charged incorrectly for various supplies; e) failure to properly arrange and have various pieces of medical equipment and supplies available in a sterile condition that would be needed to address patient emergencies; f) contamination and failure to properly store an emergency airway (difficult intubation scope); g) purchase of over 300 latex balloons used during a prank in a latex-free zone; h) placing expired implants in patients, and I) wrong-site surgeries. This does not include my reports on workplace violence and the harassment that I and several other members suffered from.

Because of these concerns and others related to matters implicating patient safety and welfare, I upheld my obligatory responsibility to honor the Nursing Code of Ethics and reported my concerns to my leadership team. According to the American Nurse Association, “Life and death decisions are a part of nursing, and ethics are therefore fundamental to the integrity of the nursing profession. Every day, nurses support each other to fulfill their ethical obligations to patients and the public, but in an ever-changing world – there are increased challenges.” I expected that leadership would take proper action to address patient safety concerns. Unfortunately, my concerns were generally ignored and viewed as problematic. Once I began expressing my concerns and escalating them through the proper channels, my leadership team began acting out against me. Initially, it came in the form of negative or profane comments directed my way by my leadership team.

It progressed to: a) denying me without good reason vacation requests while granting similar requests to other staff members; b) subjecting me to an unwarranted investigation; c) assessing without cause a disciplinary suspension; d) demoting me from my leadership position and reducing my salary; e) altering for the worse my schedule; f) giving me more burdensome work duties, and g) continually verbalizing to me unwarranted criticism.

As a result of the hostile work environment, I suffered stress-induced panic attacks and a major depressive episode. Additionally, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder, thyroid issues, Adrenal Fatigue, and P.T.S.D. These were all stress-induced and it was recommended by my primary care provider that I take a leave of absence to seek treatment. I began Family medical leave on August 16, 2018, with hopefulness to resolve the major health concerns that arose due to the violence brought on at the hands of my leadership team. Taking steps to improve my well-being, I was treated by both primary and mental health professionals. Due to my hostile work environment and the symptoms, I was experiencing, it was recommended that I terminate my employment with U.P.H. I was reluctant to give up my employment at U.P.H Proctor Surgery because I had worked so hard to build my professional career. Unfortunately, when I attempted to return to work on October 17, 2018, the treatment described above immediately resumed as did the symptoms which led to my medical leave. Not wanting to further jeopardize my health, I accepted the recommendations of my healthcare team and exercised the only option reasonably available to me and involuntarily resigned from my position at U.P.H.

The allegations for my suspension and demotion were false and I was completely defeated. After having a conversation with my grandfather when I called home crying he spoke words of wisdom encouraging me to follow my heart and push through the lies. My grandfather has stayed with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly that I have experienced in my life. He was the only one who believed in me and instructed me to get myself together and show them that I cannot be broken. He told me to “Go back and look them straight in the eyes” to show them that I am stronger than they are! The hospital had financial power and stronger connections than I did but I did not let that defeat me. My grandfather reminded me that the truth has power and only fools believe lies. This fueled my passion to beat the bullies and I started the battle for justice against the hospital.

Not knowing my rights I did not know where to start attempted to report my concerns internally allowing the hospital to have the opportunity to address the situation. I followed the proper channels and chain of command by reporting to the hospital local privacy officer. In a letter, I wrote to the CEO of the hospital explaining that due to constructive discharge tactics used by my immediate management team I was forced to involuntarily resign my position with Unity Point Health Proctor Surgery effective immediately. The harassment, hostility, and discrimination that was taking place in the department was so intense and unnerving that it placed me under duress and harmed my health and wellness. I explained that after using the proper human resource channels to report the abuse and harassment that was taking place in my department my name was slandered and human resource business partner stated that I was too immature for a Lead Nurse Position with an only meeting with me one time and not conducting an honest investigation of the situation. I also reached for help to transfer from my department but with no response from the human resources department, I was forced to return to an unhealthy work environment where my job functions and responsibilities had been reduced to such an extent that I essentially already lost my job. The reduction in my compensation highly affected me and my family that relied on my income. I was extremely disappointed in the lack of responsibility shown by the company management and the lack of action on my behalf. The impact of allowing the violation of company policies by a small proportion of staff and supervisors left me with no other choice than to start reporting outside of the hospital.

After reporting my concerns through the online portal in hopes that a third party would step up I began to report to government agencies. I reported to the EEOC, Joint Commission, OSHA, Illinois Department of Professional Regulation, and the department of health and human services. Finally, I was lucky to have found a representative from the National Labor Relations Board that believed in me and fought for my innocence when everyone else including my friends and family turned their back on me. The National Labor Relations Board cleared my name and held the hospital accountable by having to post employee rights and the violations that were found to have merit. No financial gain was made and the battle became overwhelming and tore life as I knew it apart. I was isolated from friends due to fear of retaliation and I cannot be upset with them for not coming forward. The pain I experienced caused my family to fall apart and I am now going through a divorce. Almost two years later I am still seeking mental health care due to P.T.S.D and my financial situation is at its worse because I cannot even imagine going back to work at a hospital due to the paranoia that I will experience the same culture.

After moving back to my hometown I decided to give up the fight because no legal action was being gained and I was only going into more debt with the cost of lawyer fees. In October I heard YOU by James Arthur and sparked a fire that I had thought I put out. It reminded me that I am a butterfly and I have always transformed pain into power because failure is not an option. It reminded me that my belief system is valuable and it is important to take a stance on the violence that I experienced in hopes to protect others. I know that if I did not re-ignite the fight within my soul that it would kill my soul. I started healing my internal wounds by exploring the mystical world and implementing tools such as astrology and tarot cards. James Arthur steered the way to my road to self-discovery where I became aware of my life purpose. I went through a spiritual awakening and remembered that I have a fire that burns deep within me that is fueled by generations of my ancestors defeating evil people like the ones in charge at that hospital. His lyrics are empowering and took me on a journey down memory lane where I had to explore the darkness within me. During this trip down memory lane, I remembered all my accomplishments and how far I had already made it during my journey. I accepted that I just needed time to review the events and evaluate what I could have done differently so I could come up with a plan. I remembered who I was and that I already had the power within me to come back stronger than ever.

My souls desire to live life to the fullest and not let the weight of the world bring me down. I experienced this for a reason because the universe knew I would be strong enough to overcome the challenges and fight for change. There is so much hatred in the world and without people like James Arthur motivating individuals like me there would be no change in society and injustice would continue to take place. In his lyrics reminded me that my battle for survival gave me the wings to fly and transform the lessons I learn to help others that may find themselves in my situation. Reinforcing that there is nothing wrong with being YOU aka me I took his advice and picked up the pen and started to speak. The melody truly guides you through the dark times and shines a light at the end of the tunnel. I realized that all the restrictions were illusions that I made up in my mind challenging me to find an alternative way to spread awareness. The lyrics “This is the mission that was given to by the powers to be” allowed me to accept the challenge and be the change agent the world needs because I knew I was different than others that had previous experiences workplace violence but I stayed true to my beliefs and through being lost in the wilderness I found my purpose.

I have prayed for the truth to come to light for almost two years now and it brings tears to my eyes to know that a change will be made because I am speaking the truth. No one should ever have to experience the pain that I did bring on by my leadership team. Nurses are light-workers that are called to work in this line of duty. Unfortunately, there is a fine line between angels and demons but I know the light will always defeat darkness. The YOU in this song is my inner strength to fight this battle and become the person I knew I always was meant to be. I hope to implement policy change and raise awareness to nurse suicide before other nurses lose their lives to preventable mental health problems. I survived workplace violence and I will do everything in my power to help others find justice. Hospitals are supposed to be safe but when evil people are in charge no one is safe! The Vice President of Operation told me the month before my suspension that she knew “I was special from the moment she hired me”. I will show them how special I am and how a role model should act. I will not stop until justice for myself and others is received. New laws are being worked on to hold employers accountable by implementing criminal charges for homicide. Nurses deserve better treatment and the system failed me as an employee and as a patient. Nurse suicide is real and I am lucky to be alive today. I will do everything in my power to help others that find themselves in this situation. I am done attempting to make change through the courtroom at this time because it was determined that since I was a thirty-year white female there was no discrimination. I feel by presenting my story to the public they will have no choice but to pay attention. I know this battle will save the lives of others and I am honored to be a part of my new life mission. I have finally reached a place of peace within the storm but that will never erase my memory of the tragic events that I had to face.

James Arthur deserves credit for producing a song that inspires the working class to overcome hardships stirring the human soul’s desire for freedom and respect. The violent storms life throws our way allow for growth and transformation into something beautiful. Once you survive uncertainty and humiliation the storm opens a path that forces you to reconnect with spirituality and step by step you become a different person. I know believe that through the twist and turns in my journey that I am meant to use the knowledge I gained to abolish workplace violence by educating the misinformed public. His music is a vehicle to remind people that they are meant for a higher purpose. I plan on joining freedom marchers and civil rights movements to be the change this world needs. I owe it to James Arthur for reminding me that suppression of my soul’s desire to redesign and reform the culture in nursing is not an option. Humanity is at risk and if people like me do not take action than we have the risk of repeating brutal atrocities that are taking place in the workplace. I will now step into a leadership role and use unconventional innovative ways that will ensure other nurses will have tools they need if they find themselves in a position of a total loss of power. I am surrendering myself to the unknown to guide others through their journey.