The gains of pain

I lived over 37 years of my life in ignorance. Ignorance of the life I was living, ignorance of who I am and what I even look like physically. I lived because I had a breath. Unaware of my being, my wants and desires, the world sadly even my immediate environment. My family and my people I knew growing up miragely filled my space. I kept going in life not really knowing why I was going or what values I should have. I grew up in a home filled with people but had barely anyone who would show me or talk me into seeing the beauty of life. This made me grow up into a superficial being. Even though I desired deep and real relationships I never really opened myself to any. I existed in my world unaware of the big world and my part in it. My emotions where tucked in so deep that i couldn't really reach out to anyone but me. So if I had to deal with any emotion whether negative or positive, I dealt with any way I could and all by myself

In all these years I kept going through the expected pathway of growth set by with precedence or parental expectations, alongside I had siblings(my mother's children) least I forget. I grew up in the typical African polygamous family with all the chaotic experience. I didnt know what love was, talk more of expressing it. All I remember back then was an overwhelming sense of responsibility which probably was borne from being the first child of my mother. To my siblings, I meant the world. I was a picture of near perfect to them particularly my youngest sister. I was a role model to her. They saw so much in me i never saw. Skills, vision, passion and strangely motivation to succeed was amongst what I stood for, to them.

Everything changed the moment I lost my brother and almost my mother in a ghastly motor accident. At first I still didn't realize or figure out what it was i was feeling. It happened so fast, the sharp pain I felt tapped me back to consciousness. My eyes became wide opened to the reality of human existence and awareness. I felt so much pressure in my chest. The pressure of all that i felt for my siblings that i never let out. The thick wall I built around myself was pulled down by pain which seem to have become a part of my every day life. I became aware of how much I was never aware of what life was about. I learnt all that no body ever told me about love and life. I got drowned in the few memories of my dear little brother which I forcefully collected and processed in my brain after his demise.

My brother lived a short 18 years but impactful life. His 18 years on earth I would say made more impact than my 37 years of living prior to his departure. A very intelligent, handsome and purpose driven boy. He somehow knew what mattered the most which was to love and build meaningful relationships, to live and savour every single moment with loved ones and to laugh from his heart and pursue what brings him joy. He had a life he was fully aware of every where he went, he strived for excellence and nothing short of it. He lived an intentional life. He bonded with diverse groups of people from different walks of life. He found a passion, a talent of playing piano from a tender age and he kept at it. He became the best youngest pianist around at some point and made himself so relevant that he was wanted and needed in most musical carnival and concert. He registered his presence on earth, living intentionally. With him I learnt how to genuinely love with hugs and express tenderness. His departure thought me all that he represented while on earth that i never even noticed.

The pain of loosing my brother has refined my consciousness to life, my self awareness, my passion, my personality, my priorities and vision. The pain is still teaching me what no words or literature could ever teach me. His departure thought me to live with a mindset of not having enough time for procrastination. His departure thought to live my life not holding anything back. His departure thought me to begin to live in the now so that i do not continue to live a passive unaware life . That pain thought me to begin to love and give my all. The pain of my brother's departure thought me to be selfless and deliberate. My eyes are opened to the bigger pictures. The picture of nothing absolutely nothing last forever. No matter how beautiful, good, young or brilliant everything ends with time.

My baby brother raised the bar for living the life that truly matters here, a good life. Rather than let myself go down with the pain of loosing my kid brother, I have choosen to hold and live with the several gains from the pain of loosing my dear brother.