Thank you, Corona.

I follow a powerful woman on Instagram named Rachel Cargle. The other day she posted a message she received where someone accused her of being unhappy and that she was just faking happiness. In response to the person, she wrote something along the lines of how she had experienced such heartbreak and hardship in her life, that she had a decision to make to find happiness in the little things and that she chooses to celebrate everything from a sunny day to a good book; things that may seem simple to many but that brighten her days.

I can relate. One of my ex-boyfriends once told me grumpily as he rolled his eyes, “you celebrate everything!” And I do, (and there’s a reason he’s an ex :P). If you’ve ever been next to me at sunset, you have definitely heard me exclaim, “Oh my god, look at that sunset!” as if I had never seen a sunset before. Good food, kind happenstances, sweet gestures of goodness, connection with another deep soul--so many things make me realize just how beautiful this life is.

So, now with this prompt asking me what I’m grateful for in 2020, the answer is simple: it’s the little things, the special moments, the kindness of others, my safe home, my health, my family’s health, good, positive connections, determination, the work I have, my time to play, my healthy brain.

And to be honest, this strong sense of gratitude and happiness with self has only been present on my mind since this past month. Throughout much of 2020, I bemoaned a lot of things and while I’m patient with myself because collectively, a pandemic, income loss, time alone, and friendship breakups aren’t the easiest things to go through, I definitely got wrapped up in the “have-nots.”

Losing more than half my income with my freelance work dropping and other side-hustles no longer possible because of face-to-face contact, I feared not making rent and losing my apartment. Two outdated childhood friendships that I had some co-dependency issues with left my life and a guy I had started seeing did a 180 right as the virus had us transitioning to full-stage lockdown. I had started on a fitness journey right before the pandemic, finally dropping some pounds and getting strong (a goal I had had for a while) and then my gym closed, which was just another downer on my attitude. The “suck” was strong.

Months passed and I tried to stay strong and positive but it wasn’t easy. On one month where I was having difficulty making rent, and I had finally found a side-hustle to bring in some extra cash, my car was broken into and the months of stress and worry all came crashing down in the middle of a parking lot with tears falling out as if they would never stop. I felt alone and with no energy left. I came back to the US two years ago striving to rebuild my life and I felt COVID-19 had taken it all away from me.

And so I let go. I said, and said it literally, I can’t. And the kindness started pouring out. I’m a mountain biker and those in my community came rushing to help. Something in me switched and the thoughts and feelings I have now have come out in recent conversations. Such as when I mentioned to two of my best buds that “This year has brought me so many special moments. I don’t know if they are special because everything has been so s****y but there have been some really beautiful experiences.”

I told my friend last night that I had way more than I have now-at least from a certain perspective-last year but that I am truly happier this year. I may not have as much money, the group of friends I had had since childhood, the rushed lifestyle, the movement, the access to the world I had before, and honestly, I’m better for it.

I have found since my car was broken into, that it really doesn’t matter what’s going on, on the outside, that my happiness is entirely dependent on me. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent more time in solitude where I have found joy in my own company, my ideas, my desires, and being able to connect with my essence during a time where outside pleasures or distractions are minimal.

Am I pretending to be grateful? Happy? Sometimes, I do wake up faking it until I make it, but for the most part, I am finding joy. After a lifetime of struggle, I no longer want to be married to the outcome of my struggles. Instead, I want to pass through those stages with grace, knowing that joy is waiting on the other side. And, I’m grateful. As someone who has always been easily overwhelmed, it’s become so much easier to adapt to the canceled plans, the changes, and the difficulties. Thank you Covid.

Somebody reached out to me the other day and shared their struggles of 2020 and honestly, they’ve had it harder than me. All I can say to you is this: money, success, the admirers, the relationships, the distractions? They don’t make you. You make you. You’ve got this. The hard times won’t last and I’m rooting for you.