Taking the First Step

Starting something new is always challenging. It's the whole "change of it all" i guess. You're all set in your routine and it's like how am i gonna fit this into my routine.. or i just dont have enough energy for this right now. I can't fit this into my budget. You syche yourself out before you even try it. The root of it is fear of the unknown. You aren't sure your will be successful so you cant even fathom the thought of trying something. What if you changed how you addressed the new? What if you thought to yourself "i can do that." "I'll be the best at this." "This will truly help me get to where i need to be." If those were your initial thoughts then maybe it wouldnt be so difficult to make life changes.. no matter how big or small. You can try apps or planners or have the best support system in the world but if you are in the right head space you will never step out of your comfort zone. There will always be a reason why today isn't the right time or there's more you need to aquire before you can try something out. Its always going to be scary but its that fear you need to motivate you to get to the next part of your life and when you do something while your scared the pay off is much better than you imagined, isn't it?

You might find it kind of fun or exhilirating.

I've started this complete lifestyle change without even knowing it. I know it sounds silly right, but i was against changing my "normal" habits for so long that spirit forced me to be in a place where I was so unconfortable with who I became and the circumstance that led me here I had no choice but to begin again from scratch in a way. I'm not nearly finished but I have made it through a few first that I believe I should share with you.

My first "first" was the was to give birth to my son. it was a passive decison in my opinion. I knew I couldnt handle the weight of having an abortion and I didnt want to go the adoption route. I knew it would be challenging (completely underestimated how much so but I was aware none the less), but I was determined to give him a chance in this crazy world. I had no idea how much he would change me though. I was an unorganized, devil may care sort of girl. I did whatever made me feel good in that specific moment. Having a child with special need has catapulted me into "adult mode." There is so much you have to watch for, so many specialist you have to update, appointment to keep. Don't even get me started on the day to day challenges.. I wouldnt trade him for the world! I am so blessed to be his mother and I thank God DAILY but BABY.. TUHH.. OKAY!! I tried to hard for the first few months of his life to not let myself get lost in just being his mom and still lost myself. I needed to though. If I hadnt I wouldnt be this person I am today.

My next first was weight loss. I attempted at it a few times in my life. I have always been a plus sized girl so my relationship with my weight and body image in general hasn't always been the most positve. Being called "chunky" or "the round one", even from people who didn't mean any harm when they said it, still always kinda stung. I would try diets, which were more like starving myself for the majority of the day, or cutting out my favorite food, or working out like a crazy person, or joining gym memberships that I would never keep but when life got stressful I would always find an excuse to not stick the goals I set for myself. It wasn't until I got real with myself about my habits and understood that I needed to change them if I wanted to be there for my son the way he deserved that I even made a change. I'm only 29. I do not need to have the back aches and knee pops just playing on the floor with him. I dont want to be winded coming up the stairs anymore.. I want to run around the neighborhood or the local park just for fun.

Another first was changing my diet. Honestly, this came before the weightloss change, but its been a shorter journey. I decided to become a vegetarian in early august. It was deeper than weightloss though which is why I didnt include it above. It's about being healthier. In a world where everything is fast and quick, on top of a pandemic and these racist ass police, my people arent living long lives. I also have a rare condition called hidradenitis suppurativa.. ?The short version is that is a hormonal imbalance where you get boils in areas of your body where the sun dont shine.. they're extremely painful and show without warning. I would get them so bad and so often that I thought I would need my sweat glands removed. A friend suggested changing the diet and for some reason it just really stuck. I decide to give up meat. that added to the fact that this one time I had a delicious steak that had me in so much pain the next day i thought it was the end for me. Now the change over has not been all roses but it has been super fun. I'm getting to experiment more in the kitchen and see what I really like and what I dont and whats for me and its fun to introduce my son to healthier foods earlier on in his life too. I still eat meat from time to time. Just seafood and chicken though.. them lemon pepper wings though.. mmmchhh!! I mean I am only human! Overall I feel better. I have more energy and I enjoy learning new foods that are better for my mind and body as substitutions for the junk food i always crave.

I say all this to say you will make that change you want to make once you change how your thinking about it. I couldn't commit to my goals all those times before because I didn't really believed I could or even deserved anything better. I was living for other and not for what was in my best interest. My advice for when you decide to do something different is don't overthink. Embrace the fear and pain it brings. Its not a easy or quick thing to do.. but dont give up on yourself. You'll be so happy that you didn't in the end. Have patience with yourself and love yourself through it all.

-D'Atra Ashlea