Take what resonates

As I searched for the song I wanted to write about and I kept coming back to the very song that has described the way my heart had felt for a portion of my life.

For anything the last 11 years has taught me, is to focus, listen and be present in this now moment.

Focus on the fact that yes, my behaviors and actions are all my own.

You see, I had to learn to love myself.

Authentically.

I required to know the very part of this human from a different perspective than anyone else's. Every time that I was shown my projection of my own behaviors it was becoming clear to me that I, as my own human, wanted to grow and be more loving awareness.

There was this version of this woman inside this being the entire time, she would often drop in and stay until fear took over and encased her being because she was in generational patterns of multiple layers of abuse within myself and the humans I surrounded myself with in my life.

No matter who I see when I look at in the mirror at myself. The intention is to see my own heart vibrating and say "I love you".

No one else is going to do it for me.

I needed to make this physical pain in my heart go away, the rest of the physical body will come.

I was a young budding strong headed uneducated feminist who looked to everything outside of herself that made her feel worthy and understood then, rolled with it. In my lessons I began to discover my divine feminine and masculine energy in all of the events that made me who I am today.

I was over confident in attempting to get in touch with my roots through figure skating. Figure skating had grounded me during my teen years. That evening I remember thinking and thinking and thinking and then.

Boom.

I became one with the ice. I hit my head so hard that I have changed my entire life and the way I go about my days.

I remember every moment of anxiety leading up to where I am in this point in my life, from physical, emotional, mental and spiritual trauma, it is all connected energetically, and all traumas have roots.

There is more than one song that I can say has made impact in my life, for many different reasons. But...the song I have chosen is a song I have deeply rooted into many of the stories I have in my heart about my life.

I am speaking about the song "Tin Man" from "The Weight of these Wings" by Miranda Lambert. This album came out at a time in my life that the rawness of the story resonated deep within my soul.

The above video is compiled of photos I have recently and randomly magically taken over the years. along with that I have a track of myself singing this song as a means of healing, to release the physical pain within.

"Hey there Mr. Tin Man, you don't know how lucky you are, you shouldn't spend your whole life wishing for something bound to fall apart."

My entire life up to this point has been embodied in the words of this song, to a point it is as if Miranda Lambert has been with me along my journey, the entire time.

I understand that from the moment I arrived on this earth, I was born into a traumatized home where the treatment for healing was suppressing every emotion away and not dealing with it because of fear. When it was attempted to bring change into the home, it was widely discouraged by keeping the wings of the eagle clipped and put away into a box hidden from the entire world.

"Every time your feeling empty, better thank your lucky stars. If you ever felt one breaking, you'd never want a heart."

As an adult, I kept my pattern strong of attaching myself to the energies and stories that fed into my personal story and kept me in the same race over and over.

The year this song was released, I was also going through a separation. A marriage that began in an unbalanced energy field.

Later on, discovering my own traumas and the fact that we never supported each other in the ways each of us required. The mirrors that we continually projected onto each other tore each of us individually apart and unable to bring forward any reconciliation of our family together.

Many multiple unhealthy female friendships, to male relationships that often began in a sexual manner, to the relationships I had with employers and family members allowing a sense of control over me.

I understand now, I was unable to admit that I was encased in so much abuse mentally and emotionally within my own self and the support systems I had in place for myself.

That unhappiness, fear, sadness within myself was used to others advantage by putting all of it all into my work. My pleasing everyone around me, my keeping the peace, making sure everyone was comfortable,

Usually I wasn't. You'd often find me with a glass of wine or whiskey in my hand. That later turned into healing medicine from Mother Gaia herself.

I kept bringing in relationships that mirrored the very things that I was attempting to release out of me, fully knowing that this is my path and I choose this prior landing in this human body.

I felt it and still do every time a soul whispers they don't resonate with me, just as I know they feel it them when I don't resonate with them.

I do believe love conquers all, it just takes time and not always in the way you originally wanted to see it.

Life had been speeding by so quickly I had not gifted myself any time to breathe.

That makes it quite difficult when you forget how to listen to your body.

I was using all of my passion. Reaching with all of my energy to help myself through everyone else.

The fall in 2018 gifted this human with a concussion.

2019 memories are coming in spurts, as the Medical system diagnosed me with "Post Concussion Syndrome". Short term memory loss, Anxiety, Depression, light and sound sensitivity, headaches, nausea, fatigue, etc.

Basically a Syndrome that states that there are many symptoms but you cant see them, and when you have a hard time verbalizing because you have allowed everyone else in your world to take over your voice, it makes the whole short term memory thing comical at times.

I made the conscious decision with my team of care providers to choose a healthcare path that was holistic and natural. From Plant medicines to a high increase of water, breath work, nutrition and movement.

It become so very dark inside my heart and loud inside my head that when the relationships that used to dominate and over power this human for trying to figure out what the fuck she wants in here life, still remained inside my head even though a physical boundary has been in place.

One of those physical voices died on September 5, 2011.

My mother died, I knew it was coming. The signs were all there.

Being the human I am and lets face it, I am her daughter. I held onto her death in a grip of tightness that sometimes make the days hard to get through, these are moments that I am learning to connect my breathe to.

Trust is something that comes as you release the roots to the traumas inside of the body.

I have become comfortable with my darkness and it brings in a mindset that offers space to grow and become a better version of myself. Every day and I am offering myself more and more space to process many of my lessons with compassion, kindness and unconditional love.

I have sat back and taken a look at my all of my life prior to being one with the ice. I work hard every day to release the mentality that I have a "Syndrome" or had a "concussion" and let me tell you, all the versions of that human is mirrored in every death and take down, that I have ever experienced in this lifetime.

In 2019 I made a commitment to myself that I was going to put my health first so that I could be the best version of myself that I can be. It became clear that I could not hold any commitments to anyone other than myself.

In my past, it was far easier to commit to everyone else, rather than myself.

As I comb through memories of the summer leading up to my bump on the head I see a familiar woman, a very different version.

One who is strong, courageous. One who does more than her share of the work willingly, because of love. A woman who was raised by a collaboration of her elder bloodline sister, a village of trusted sisters to a point, the television and movies that highlighted the major life events that often make reality seem so very disappointing and yet sometimes so very on point.

As I listen to this song on repeat I process the pain and sadness I felt so deep within this feminine body for so long. I remember the pain resonated so deeply inside of my heart chakra that I was lying on my living room floor in pieces having birthing sounds come out of my body because to release the root, you need to feel the pain, it has to come out some where.

"Take it from me darling, you don't want a heart".

Thank you ever so much for reading this.

"Hey there Mr. Tin Man, glad we talked this out, you can take mine if you want it, its in pieces now. By the way there Mr. Tin Man, if you don't mind the scars, you give me your armor, you can have my heart."

This lyric was like the final icing on the fucking cake.

I attached it to all of the stories that brought out the sadness, fear, neglect, abandonment, and sexual traumas I have carried in this physical body for the past 30 some odd years.

The pain that I have felt inside my heart space is beyond fucking intense. I would often refer to it as piles of pieces of my heart scattered around my chest, kind of like dust. My soul was left piecing back together something that had no instructions readily available, with the sticks and stones making there marks often.

With one thing as my guide, my faith withing myself.

I remove my armor and am surrendering to everything that I have ever felt deeply within my heart space because this is the one spot on my physical body that doesn't lie to me through ALL of my physical symptoms.

I surrender to all of it, where I come from, all I was taught. So many hours spent un-teaching myself a belief system that counter act everything that makes up this divine feminine woman.

I have spent so many months, days, hours, minutes and seconds healing myself and I do not intend to stop now. This path that I have embarked on offers no space to turn back and go back to the girl I once was. She resides inside of me screaming on a daily basis to come out and play.

Play in all the ways she never was able to, because she just wants to love life and everyone in it.

I have spent many hours going through my own emotions on focusing on where to place the love for each of the individuals who took a piece of the little girl inside of me that was never given the choice to stand up for herself and say no. I realized that I was putting that intense love into all the feminine and masculine who required such a deep need for it. Fully seeing my own reflection in each and every experience I had in my life.

I have been gifted so many beautiful relationships and offerings of unconditional love, and while I hold fear, I now face the fear with a mindset of excitement and joy, because you can only allow in what you are able to receive and give, the entire world is waiting to be loved, authentically.

I decided to record this song because I was inspired by multiple beautiful human beings to really feel and release the pain and what better way than to feel it vibrationally through myself. From my breaths to my heart to my gut heart, the space where the fire resides that is aching to be unleashed.

Thank you for listening to my words and my voice.

I hope the next time you listen to any song, take a moment and recognize how it makes you feel in your heart space, in your entire body. Take a deep breathe, listen to what the words are, and if that isn't how you feel it, then listen to what the instruments are saying to you. How the vibration of the whole piece makes you feel, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

Thank you Miranda Lambert for releasing your pain from your heart space through your words and your voice, thank you for creating a beautiful tool that has been an influential part of healing my broken heart tied into so many of my stories.

Thank you Amy Theissen for helping guide me along my journey to find my voice, most importantly use it and allow Little Tess to embark on this new world she has created for herself.

Thank you to Billy Klippert for making magic come to life and offering a space to be so vulnerable and prove to myself that even just for that moment in time I can be a vocalist from my heart space.

Thank you to my soul family, bloodline family, to all of my energetic connections, for without you, I would have no words or color to place in my creativity.

As I sit here and listen to the version of the song I recorded, I can now hear the beauty in my voice with the passion of my pain behind the words that are so beautifully written.

Thank you for music, for this is a beautiful healing gift.

"Music is healing my body, healing my soul"

So much love and peace for all y'all.

-Mama Tess