Take control of your life back

“So, what are you going to do now”

said my mother with a concerning look on her face and her left hand on her hip.

I resumed silence, in vain hope it was rhetorical, wondering how I was suddenly here. Again. Jobless. Plan-less...Clueless.

Have you ever felt like for a moment or so, you were on the right path – yes you were, you were flying down the highway with the wind in your hair and the sun was blazing down- not another car in sight. Life is a breeze – your really – doing it! Really, who said life was hard? Per-lease! (*scoff).

Then suddenly, in one swift movement someone grabs the wheel and swerves you completely off-road onto a humbling, dark and dusty dirt track.

Exactly a year ago I was traveling around Australia living the high life- you know, doing a bit of this and a bit of that. The sun blessed me with a golden tan and effortless blonde hair. I was living with a group of great girls and to top it off I had the best damn job I’d ever had –running around a film set with famous people casually just hanging around. Despite the 80 hour weeks I felt like I hadn't done a days work, and the money just rolled in. I had what felt like everything going for me, I was on a great path and definitely the most exciting life I’d ever lived to date– “the universe really had my back” dare say I was even lucky, fortunate and all of those kinds of lovely, special words.

So then, what did I do? Why did it suddenly not have my back? How had I done a great big U turn onto an overly crowded 30-hour flight back home and sitting in my mums boyfriend’s spare room. “WHAT DID I DO UNIVERSE? We were getting on so well?” I pleaded to the ceiling of a bedroom that was not mine, willing it to separate whilst a letter with all of the answers floated angelically into my hands.

2020 was a tough one, for all of us in our own unique ways. If you are reading this, you have survived a deadly virus, if you have nothing more to celebrate today– celebrate this.

However, 2020 is in the past now, so it's time to move forward and focus on the only thing we can do - 2021.

Resolution 1

1) “Change your story and take your control back”

Life can be so hard. Sometimes it can be really hard. And the more we talk about our little self-constructed story about the shitty hand we have been dealt, the more it feels like it will never ever change. It is us. Life is a mess = I am a mess.

If this is you, you’re not alone and nor are you (we) at fault here. As much as people say thoughts become things, I did not think myself back to England, thank you very much. None of us thought that this virus that would sweep devastation over the ENTIRE world. It just happened. Sometimes things just happen, and we can’t control it. But ...we can respond to it.

When I came back, I told quite a few people about how life had turned on me. We all have our stories because they give us a form of identity. Or in some cases, they give us ‘reason’ for where we are. Yours maybe how badly an ex treated you, or how someone screwed you with money. Or how certain members of your family don't give a shit. In the filing cabinet inside my head, I have stories on all of that too.

Granted, people have some horrendous tales, and I bow down to people who have really had a difficult life, for coping and moving forward.

But the longer we cling to the story the more it becomes us. The more we repeat it, the more we strengthen it. It is good to rant- we are human, and we need it. But just be conscious when the rant takes over and becomes you. When we start to say it, we start to feel it and when we feel, we attract more of that feeling.

Do you reel off an hour of the story every time someone asks you a simple how are you? Do you feel better after telling it, really?

I clung to my “other life” that was now gone, until it eventually consumed me, and I went down a dark windy path. It was very lonely. I was a victim. I had no control. That’s the thing with victims- they don’t have control, so as long as you feel like one- you don’t have control of your life. I will add- it’s important to grieve the experiences we live and tell, but if you are still telling people about something that happened 3 years ago that has caused you to feel sadness/anger/hurt and frustration now – you are continuing to carry that bad experience into a bad reality.

It's hard to think no one wants to hear it. It came as a shock when one of my best friends told me to "shut up" when I was just about to go into series 2 episode 4 of how badly a certain person treated me.

"Excuse me?!?"

"I don't want to offend you, but it's all you talk about" I stopped in my tracks, speechless. She continued "I'm sorry, I just don't think its healthy or helping"

It’s not helpful nor is it healthy, and despite what you may think, not many people want to hear it- besides your ego, to strengthen the reason you are not doing what you should be – such as being happy. Of course, people have experiences that are life changing, there is no time limit on grieving, only how you feel. Don't mistake over-talking about it for "getting support" it's important to grieve and get help for whatever experiences you have. It is vital.

However there will come a time when it's time to leave it in the past where it belongs, not so you can forgive or forget, but because you deserve to move on and because you deserve to have a better, brighter future.

"To forgive is to set the prisoner free, only to realise the prisoner was you"

When we take responsibility for our life, what has happened, accept it, we regain our power.

At the time it was very easy to blame covid for having to leave my wonderful life and return to a country in a dire mess. Or the Australian government for not supporting British citizens quickly. Or the farmer for not making farm life enjoyable enough to do another 6 months for another year. Or the people who ever invented visas.

But that girl is not “doing life”- life is happening to her- she is strapped into a rollercoaster going full speed ahead that she absolutely cannot get off of… Z-E-R-O control.

“Accept life as it is not the "could have been" because the longer you hang around in what could have been the less focus you have on what will be”

Believe in your future, more than your past.

Change your story:

“Covid allowed me to fly home and spend time with my family. It has allowed me to spend time reading books, growing and learning. My super deep meltdown in which I question what the purpose of life was allowed me to hop on a spiritual path I may have never found if I was never challenged. Finally, I have time to reflect on what my dreams are and put them into action - I never believed were possible before. I am actually a completely different person to that blamer back in 2020. I am grateful for the opportunities both experiences have brought me- and I although my life isn’t super exciting now (THIRD lockdown in the UK!!!!!!) I know there will be so much more excitement in the future that I will appreciate more.

and last but never least...I SURVIVED/AM SURVIVING A PANDEMIC... as are you ...

That sounds a lot better than covid ruined my life, right?

What is your new story?

Resolution 2:

2) Think about what you think about

Have you ever stopped to think about what you actually think about?

So often we are so wrapped up in the physical part of our life, we forget what is going on within us as if it’s not really important– even though it actually orchestrates the whole thing.

“You don’t have to control all of your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you” Dan Millman

I think one of the worse things we can do is constantly busy ourselves, so we avoid this all together- like turning on the tv, playing games, reading, listening to music, podcasts, never spend time alone – anything that stops us from feeling the feeling. In doing so our mind becomes a separate entity from us – like a box that is so unpredictable it may just fling out any old thing when it wants and we are just the unfortunate ones that have to deal with it.

For a lot of people – being alone with our thoughts is a super scary concept – because we know we are capable of convincing ourselves of anything! We can work ourselves up into panic, tears, anxiety... even anger or rage.

I remember when I was going through my little meltdown and frantically searching for the meaning of life on the internet - thankfully my mum interfered and made me write my thoughts down :

“I hate my life”

“what is the point?”

“I have no purpose”

"I don't know what the f*ck I want to do"

I was pretty shocked to see my thoughts on paper. I thought the words staring back didn't belong to me. It was actually nice to pluck them out and look at them for a little bit rather than have them swimming round causing chaos.

ASK FOR EVIDENCE OF THIS THOUGHT

Then I had to challenge them.

Is my “life” boring? – how long have I felt like that? A week? A month, a year, okay so maybe I have had a boring week or a boring month or a boring year. Even if it’s a boring year or 2 years. Is it really a boring “life” – did you have no ups at all? If not, how can that change?

Writing my thoughts down got me to get out of my head, it allowed me to evaluate them logically. I realised I needed to find something of which I felt I was attaining a "purpose" rather than just concluding I didn't have one.

The problem is never 'the' thought – it’s the fact we identify with it – we have over 60,000 thoughts a day – sometimes they are really wappy – like – really – (what’s going on up there?) Learn to observe that it is your mind thinking them, rather than identifying with them and believing that is you.

You can change your life by changing your thoughts.....

“When you recycle thoughts, you recycle your experiences”

"Different thoughts create different experiences" Joe Dispenza

This little quote changed a lot for me. Do you recycle thoughts? How often do you start purposeful thinking of exciting, joyous and happy thoughts about a future so mind-blowing and dream like?

I realised I had never really thought of any other amazing thoughts. It was my thinking about a future a rather bland one at that, that was causing me pain. It was also stopping anything from changing.

V-I-S-U-A-L-I-Z-E

Yes. That’s right – if you have some choice about what you think about- why not indulge in some really mind-blowing and super exciting thoughts. Get your body feeling all sorts of new, exciting vibrations...

When we are in the vibration of happiness, we will start to attract more things aligning with this feeling and it will surprise you how quickly opportunities arise.

You are more likely to end up on a path that takes you to an exciting future if you are constantly thinking of that. Ever since I've thought about my "dream" future, the right people and opportunities have just started showing up. Really.

If you simply use your mind to think about your dinner, work and what your new neighbours think of you- don't be surprised when nothing changes.

Visualise so vividly -feel the emotions- until they feel like memories - when they feel like memories the universe will move everything so you have these experiences...

If you want to be like the majority, think like the majority. If you want to be different you need to start thinking differently.

As seen by KW:

Resolution 3:

3) Switch up the T word

I read a lot of books that said “check your negative self talk”- so I did. Yet after spying on myself a while, I noticed I wasn’t really saying anything hurtful or negative. It wasn't until a certain special someone in my life said "Jasmine, you are going to have to stop using the t-word"

T word?

"Yes the T word, you have said it 3 times in that sentence. Its no wonder you are lacking energy and yawning"

Ahhh... "Tired?"

I guess such words become normal. I guess thats okay if you want to feel like that, but 2021 is a new year for me, I don't want to be normal, I want to be on the path too extraordinary, as should you. We only get one life, right?

Don't be surprised if you gradually lose focus and start yawning when you constantly affirm "I am tired" when you're sat at your desk doing work. Or start feeling jittery and anxious when you tell yourself "I am stressed." Your words feed your mind. Your body reacts to your mind. Your mind is always listening.

LITTLE SWITCHES:

"Im tired" SWTICH "my body could do with some rest" "I will sleep well tonight"

“My body is knackered” SWITCH “my body could do with some stretching”

“I regret that pizza” SWITCH “My next meal will be more nutritious”

“I will probably forget- my memory is awful” SWITCH “I have a great memory that is always improving”

“I’m really struggling at the minute” SWITCH “I am doing the best I can”

TIP: I downloaded an app called “I am” – I am will send you a positive affirmation throughout the course of your day- much better to receive than social media notifications :)

Resolution 4:

" Create the higher version of you – and gradually work yourself up there"

What is the “higher self?”

Okay, I am not going to go super spiritual here – (You can do, have a read online about the higher self being part of you that is connected to cosmic consciousness ((you know- the ego free self that is free from suffering??))

But for now – let’s keep it simple: The higher self is the best version of you.

The BEST.... How do you really want to act, be, look, speak, be seen by others, feel, do…

If you don’t ever see a better version of yourself – how will you change to become it?

So for me, I decided that I definitely left one version of myself in 2020- the victim.

I asked myself a few simple questions.... so the best version of me....

What does she look like?

What does she feel like?

What kind of things does she eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner

What kind of relationships does she have?

What kind of job / career / hobbies does she have?

What friendships does she have?

Where is she living? Who is she living with?

How does she handle difficult situations?

What books does she consume?

What does her bank balance look like?

What does her future look like?

Remember this is the highest version of you. If that person eats fresh fruit picked off a tree in the south of Italy everyday for breakfast then so be it.

We attract what we ARE not what we want to be. It starts by choosing an apple, blueberries or oats for breakfast instead of sugar coated cereal. Or choosing a few books instead of a new series. Or spending an extra hour a day working on something you love. Or taking a few breaths before you retaliate to someone and then choosing to respond differently this time.

That’s how you break the cycle– respond differently. Little by little.

"Change your habits, change your life" Robin Sharma.

So next time you think about acting a certain way – think – is that what my higher self would do? How would he/she respond. Do they tolerate being spoken to like that? Do they banish his/her intuition and gut feeling?

Its not about making drastic changes one evening and waking up to find another person looking back at you.

It’s a working process, but if you give yourself 5 years to embody this version of you, chances are it will take 5 years, if you give yourself 6 month- maybe you won’t be perfect but chances are you will be a lot closer to the person you want to be than the person that took 5 years!

Embody it.

If you can't do it for you, do it for the future you. She will thank you.

RESOLUTION 5:

FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART not just your head.

Is the gratitude list really working though?

If I added all of the words together in all of the “personal development” books I have read, “gratitude” was probably one of the most common. “When you are grateful for the things you have you get more of these things” "Gratitude can rewire the brain for success" "Expressing gratitude can improves sleep, performance and relationships"

Following the advice of my trusty coaches, every day I made a list; “a warm bed, a house, my family, a fridge full of food”

And every day I managed a new list of something new. I was doing exactly what they said! Sometimes even a couple of pages. But nothing was happening, I wasn’t feeling any different and actually, after about a week, filling out a gratitude list felt as chorus as preparing my weekly supermarket shopping list. I actually resented getting out my gratitude journal and listing more and more things.

In the beginning, I guess it was more fun, but it’s hard to be grateful for a bed when I have always had a bed and I have never had life without a bed. So, I had a little word with the inner me, “Girl is this helping you?”

We decided, no.

I guess sometimes, we are all victims of doing what it says on the tin, without really reflecting whether it is helping us. If it is all in our head, and our hearts not activated, we aren’t going anywhere.

But I couldn’t help think….If all of these people are saying it, there must be something in it.

“When practising gratitude, imagine how different your life would be without that particular thing you are showing thanks for” Vex King

^ A little quote that changed my practice....

So why am I grateful for my health?

Without my health I couldn't.....

Have gone travelling, completed University, bought clothes and felt confident in them, lived away from home, go running, wear a bikini confidently, have great skin, worked jobs, do things with my family, drive a car, climbed mountains,

Such a simple twist of words, but it helped reframe how my mind feels in terms of what I am grateful for.

Of course we can change this to

Without wealth I wouldn't have been able to ...

Without love in my life I wouldn't be.....

But I stopped doing it everyday, it didn't feel natural. Just every now and then-sometimes just choosing one thing or two - helps a lot.

Hope this helps you too!

Resolution 6 :

BREATHE! And meditate

Okay if you are reading this, you can probably breathe. If not, well thats interesting.

We’re pretty lucky that we don’t have to think about the most vital thing our body does. Except – when you think about it you can wind up somewhat forgetting how to do it.

Have you ever responded immediately to something and then said something you regret? I have. Then after a little bit of time, wished you had just said something else instead?

So if breathing is the most important thing our body does- why don't we learn to do it better? When we are scared, stressed, worried we usually breathe faster, which sets off other triggers in our body such as sickness, sweating, headaches etc. Just like we're not really taught how to use our minds - we aren't really taught how to breathe in difficult situations.

Meditation is a practice- again- it’s something you practice. It is not something you are or become or feel. I am not here as a "converter" to convert you to the practice- but simply to say the anxious, unsure person who I was then compared to now- is largely due to meditation.

There are lots of different types - to three minute breathing exercises to 30 minute guided ones. You can find for free on youtube or apps such as Headspace or Calm.

So - firstly - why meditate? There are many many many benefits to meditation from improving your emotional, physical and mental states to increasing your resilience to stress. You can feel more calm, peaceful and balanced- both during and after it.

However, for me, the best thing is that meditation creates space in between the running stream of thoughts that plague us throughout the day.

It is also not about sitting up with your back straight and your 3 fingers together. I guess you can, I just lay down... sometimes I fall to sleep, lol.

If one year ago someone told me you could completely eradicate thought from your mind, be completely free of it, I would have laughed in their face. But here I am, that very person, doing the very same thing- please don’t laugh in my face (covid and all).

In the beginning, I could feel boredom creep in - my mind would cough up thoughts such as “what shall i have for dinner”, “did I leave the oven on” “where the hell is my birth certificate”

But with persistence, and a lot of patience, something started to change. And thats the best bit, what keeps me going back is every time I go a little deeper, feel a little clearer and so it motivates me to continue.

Little breaks would occur in between thinking and I would feel an overwhelming sense of peace. This has allowed me to process thoughts and decision making better. I have become less reactive and I guess, a hella lot happier.

Sometimes our heads can feel overwhelmed and crowded with jumbled and constant thoughts. I still get this too. But less so, definitely less.

Feeling a deeper sense of relaxation from within can help give less attention to some of the involuntary thoughts we have and realise when they aren't helping us, allowing us to choose better feeling thoughts.

"I don't gain anything in meditation, but what I lose is anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, fear of old age and death" Buddha

Plus - it is completely free! You have nothing to lose.

Our current situation is never a reflection of our "life." Everything is temporary, even covid.

^ Thank Goodness.

We are the creators of the script that is our life. We can paint and sculpt and write ourselves however we like with every day, a new opportunity to do it differently. After everything that has happened - I made it here- hooray. I am still in control, I still have freedom to choose.

Now, despite my 4 years of hard work at a degree, I am scrolling websites for any old job... figuring out where I want to go, what I should do...

But I guess, this is the fun of life - the uncertainty - if it was all plain sailing - well, what kind of boring book would that be?