Success, Failure and Perspective

Last night I was ruminating on being a failure. Or rather not being a success. I wrote a very brief Facebook post but felt as though I should expand on it so here I am.

If you do a simple search of the internet you will find loads of memes and the like with quotes on success and failure. These concepts are such an ingrained part of our lives, I think often the problem though lies in how we frame those ideals.

We can read inspirational quote after quote on how failure is part of success. We can hold onto the words ‘failure is success in training (Kevin Smith). With can put up posters with Churchill quotes ‘success is not final and failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts. We can even look to celebrities to encourage us to keep trying – Alan Rickman’s break out role in Die Hard wasn’t until he was in his forties, likewise with Steve Carell, Brian Cranston and Leslie Jones, Morgan Freeman in his fifties and Dame Judy Dench was in her sixties. This may help us hold on to the hope our shot hasn’t passed us by.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter how much we try to be future focused, sometimes the moment you are in can just get to you.

I always wanted to be a writer. In my younger and far more naïve days I figured it would be a great career. Then I realized it wasn’t that simple and the rejection notes started. At one point I got picked up by an indie publisher and just as we were heading into the editing phase for my first book, he closed his business. Faced with doing the whole damn thing again or just getting an editor and self-publishing, I took the latter path. I had hopes and dreams that I would sell thousands, even though part of my brain knew it was merely a dream, but hundreds maybe. I had to lower my expectations even more. Friends and people you know or meet, might say they’ll buy your book, but a lot won’t. I haven’t even made back the money I paid to my editor or artists.

I have however, persevered and now have four books published with a collection of shorts and novelettes due out within the next month. I am also working on a new series, a follow up series from the first books and developing a tv show. I figure this all means I can definitely say I am a writer. Problem is I’m not a success as the world sees it. I haven’t made any money from it, let alone gained any fame or popularity. (Yet – as I have to hold onto the hope).

In my working life I work in a very high stress environment and I have acted in a senior role. The thing is since I turned down applying for the role permanently due to my need to balance my work/life balance for my mental health, and the fact more than I would like who fill those roles are incapable, lazy or out only for themselves making it such a toxic environment, I’ve felt a bit like a failure.

It is a silly way to feel because I chose to remain where I was for very valid reasons. I think many of us look to others for justification of our success and that just isn’t happening for me. Here’s the thing though, whilst in this job I have written a paper and spoken at an international event - work related, however I had to do this off my own back as work were in no way interested in supporting me. Then when I returned from the conference I put forward some suggestions that I know were bandied about at higher levels without my name attached because a reliable source told me. I have also developed and written a program that was met with solid success, but when they asked me to run it again, they essentially only wanted it done if they didn’t have to pay me extra for it (on top of my regular job). I said no. So, because my work focus is where it is and not on playing it their way, I can feel like a failure even though I have had amazing successes.

Finally, for me is performing. Acting is right up there with writing for me, it grounds me and helps me destress. It is my happy place. I used to do one or two shows a year before I had kids, and then when I started shift work it was difficult to fit anything much in, making it years between shows. This year, after five years off I decided I wanted to get back on the stage. And that has been a decision resulting in a whole heap of failures. I’m a little frustrated from reading or hearing ‘you did a really strong audition, I just decided on a different look, or combination or direction. I mean I did get one call back but it amounted to another rejection email. Then the only part I get, I was the only one to rock up to the audition.

It was actually that last snippet which resulted in me diving into this look at success and failure. I had to remind myself I got lots of compliments for my part even though it was so small, and I was asked to audition for an upcoming show. I then looked at the simple fact that when I said no to applying for the promotion, it was in part so I could focus on my writing – I want to get a book published this year (which will happen in the next month) and I wanted to get back on stage – which I have done.

Success and failure can often be about perspective, and in fact it should be. We shouldn’t use money and popularity as our measures – yet in this day and age of globalized social media, that is all too often what we do.

In case you are interested, what really started all this deep thinking was axe throwing. I used to be part of a league – and sort of still are – but money and injury have pushing it to the backburner. The other night though, I went and my highest score was 81, on the way home I remembered back to when I first started throwing (around 18 months ago) and my main goal was to just get on the Octarians board. Since then I’ve been on the Centurians board, but the point isn’t to brag, it’s really about the small steps. The little goals we set ourselves. These perhaps are a better way to measure our successes.

I set goals for myself all the time, some little (just get some writing done today), some off the wall (write a paper and submit it to an international professional committee), some are for my mental health (get back on stage) and others are for my life direction (publish something). I may not have the financial success, and I’d like to when it comes to my passions, but I have achieved my goals, which makes me a success.

I’ve also been married for more than twenty years, which is another form of success.

Really, I just wanted to write this in the hope that maybe someone who needs to see it, will. That someone who is struggling like me, and will find encouragement in my words. Failure is just a step in life’s journey, but more some things simply aren’t failures at all if you just choose to look at them from a different perspective.

There is always hope.