Subtle Findings from an Introvert

,(Read with your own discretion, strong language, some details that may be triggers for people. Please just be careful when reading.)

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you had everything that you ever desired?

I have. And honestly, I have been imaging this more and more lately. Where would I be if I have the life I want? For me, I don't really know yet. I am figuring it out though.

I am figuring out what exactly I want. I want the endless possibilities that Life gives you. I mean, fuck, there are Endless possibilities. Infinite. Just imagine that? Anything you can think of can become a reality.

Well, shit. This is just the beginning to changing my thoughts. To changing the way that I see life. My past, my spawn from hell, toxic people I have cut out of my life, the moment where my body was touched and ravaged when I did not want it to be... It can be all gone. I can raise myself up from that. The world has endless possibilities and I can make my own reality from them.

Well, fuck it. I am going to learn how to do this. For myself, for my betterment, for learning something new, for living life on my terms, for loving the life I can create for myself.

There are a lot of things out there on manifestation, and the law of attraction. NO this is NOT another one of those stories telling you that you need it, or how to go about it. It is about my progress and my thoughts and my life finding out what this process of "manifesting my own reality" means to me. Because, really... No ones life is the same; our beliefs are different, our wants and desires are different. If this is something that you want to do, you have to learn what the process is for you, you have to learn what works for you. You cannot go off of what works for me. My whole process with it. You do not have the same experiences as I have had in my life.

Now that my spiel is over, I want to get into more detail about my life. So my past was not great. It was in fact for me, hell. I went through so much as a little kid, that it altered my entire subconscious and my thoughts about everything. I am learning that your subconscious truly does remember every detail of your life; from as early on as in the womb. So with that in mind, my subconscious remembered an event from when I was two. Two years old. I don't consciously remember some of my life from when I was four years old. So, the why I have to go back to when I was two years old... I have been working on finding a trigger in my past that had started all of this negative self talk, and self sabotage that went on most of my childhood and even into today. The biggest part of this was finding out that this event, when I was two years old, is what built the foundation for the rest of my thinking. Or at most, was a huge building block for it.

To go more into detail. As I have been working on figuring out what I need to change in order to help me bring up my self esteem, my subconscious mind brought out the whole event. Every detail, every color, every sound.

I want you to imagine with me. You are two years old, sitting in a car seat, rubbing your eyes.... I had just awoken from a nap in the car... It is parked. Mommy and Daddy aren't in the car with me, they were before I fell asleep. My older brother was next to me, too. No one is in the car with me. I turn my head to my right and look out the window, we are not at home. I start to get scared. I start to cry out "Daddy! Daddy!" No one answers me. No one hears me. I find that I am not strapped into my car seat, so I get up into the front seat. I look out the front window. There are a bunch of cars, all different colors. There is a red truck, a black car, a grey car, a black truck, a white truck - well, SUV, but I did not know that at the time. I get into the drivers seat, crying and banging on the window. "Mommy! Mommy! Daddy!" no answers. I'm looking out the window with tears streaking down my cheeks, snot running from my nose and covering my upper lip by now. I run my arm across my face, and only manage to smear everything together along my left cheek. Still no one comes. I am screaming and crying. And still no one comes. Minutes pass by. Some more minutes pass by. Still no one comes from the building outside the driver's window. More minutes pass. And then I finally see my parents walk out of the building, my dad carrying my older brother on his right hip, talking to some strange man with my mom following. I am still crying and screaming. Now that I have seen my parents, I bang and scream even more. My words now gibberish with how much time has passed. Finally, my mother looks over and sees me. She takes my brother from my father and my father walks over to the car. He does not run, he does not even seem to be moving fast. He unlocks the door and opens it. He then picks me up and says "Oh, you're awake now."

Really? That was what he said? No fucking, "it's okay. I got you. Daddy loves you. You are okay now?" Just a fucking you are awake? No wonder I was messed up for years. For a two year old, terrified that she was left in the car for hours - ten minutes feels like hours when you are so scared and that little, trust me. Fuck. In that moment, in that span of what, five fucking seconds that it took to pick me up out of the care, solidified to my two year old mind, that maybe just maybe, I was not wanted. No one cared that I was scared, terrified really. No one cared that I woke up in a car by myself. No one cared. No one cares about me. Imagine what that does to a child when that starts to become your undeniable belief that your entire existence is based upon. It sucks. It sucks to high heaven.

I am now working on trying to change this foundational belief about my life. It is a struggle, but I am getting there. It is starting to feel as if it is no longer running my life. Still, I have a long way to go to be my true, authentic self.

Until next time.

"The Secret to Change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new." ~ Socrates