Stuck In the Feeling

Depression has always been something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I would like to say that life happens and you have no control over the consequences that are out of our own hands. I would like to claim that things happen for reasons unknown, that the ultimate power has bigger plans for us. But... When we go through these events that change us, what else can we think besides "What did I do wrong?"

We all have different strengths and weaknesses mentally as we do physically. Being sheltered, having genetics that put my family at higher risk of mental illnesses, and surrounding factors have given me this path I was forced to deal with moving forward. For me, I was fragile emotionally as depression was no stranger to me by age 7. The beginning for me was when my paternal grandmother died, the only person I felt that had given me that chance of being understood. My father also took a turn for the worst, becoming even more unstable, dragging us all down with him in his own emotional destruction.

From this point, I found that everything became a tug of war in life. Between new problems arising from the ashes of genetics, we were able to come to a proper diagnosis of what was happening (Epilepsy) and how to deal with it going forward. This made me even more on edge, feeling even more useless to my family.I remember doing negative things to get them to notice me and make me feel they concerned for me. I would never harm myself, but I wanted to understand why they treated me like they did. My father made me feel unwanted and would get in my face. He would have times where he would put his hands on me, my mother watching and telling him to simply calm down and nothing more. There were times where I would come home from school and I would be greeted by my parents with a duffle bag of what I thought were my things. They told me they didn't want me anymore and were going to take me to an orphanage. They did this 2 or 3 times and tried to reassure me it was a prank once it was all over, but it hurt me.

So, being said... Depression can be created from fragile situations, no matter the age. Mine has been ongoing to this day, with more going on in my life that has accredited the extent of the problem.

One more scenario reinforced another issue, an issue I had no idea about until a month ago. Being sheltered, I did not have boyfriends in high school, parties were not attended, and I didn't embrace my child and teenage years. In 2015, I met someone who I thought understood me. I was led in by his words of reassurance, by his false understanding. I moved in with him 2 weeks after knowing him. 1 month later, we moved in with my mother, my father and my mother were not together at this point. 5 months after meeting this individual, I became pregnant. I had been with this individual for 2 years and 3 months, which was only that long due to the emotional distress I fought against. I wanted my child to have her father and I made excuses for this individual. If you notice... The sentences are short and pieced out in increments of thoughts. This guy had really messed me up for the long run and caused me so much pain, so much that I lost who I was and became an empty shell of worthlessness. One night I woke up, his hand covering my mouth, his arm pressed against me hard. His other hand pulling things down as I cried and tried to pull away. He raped me that night and had no remorse, and he had told me no one would believe me. I was used for sex, he downgraded me and made me think that no one wanted me. Sex after my child was born was no longer mutual, but rather forced. I had no desire for anything anymore. In 2017, I ended the torment, but found it hard to move on. I felt as if I was going through Stockholm syndrome. I was scared of the change and scared the what ifs.

It is clear to say I am stronger now than I ever was, but the understanding of my emotions was a long journey. I still go through so much, and recently I was told I had PTSD a month ago. The psychiatrist told me that there was nothing to worry about, that it sounded like I am already practicing things that he would of told me to do and to think about. I was so surprised to have heard I had this disorder, that it made so much sense for how my emotional responses occur and affect me.

A year ago, I had this intense feeling to try to understand myself and my mental state. I was no longer scared to open up about my depression as I just wanted to ease it some. I tried to find ways around the mindset that I had, one way being philosophy. I have grown so much with practicing philosophy. Trusting my judgments to question things in life for evidence of my own knowing. To not jump to conclusions before knowing the information based around something.

It has been a process, but I have no regrets in life. I have dedicated myself in life to making something of myself for my child. I dedicate myself for them and will do what I can to show them that there is power in being who you are and being open about your emotions. To be strong for things and people you care about, even if it takes time.

Being self-aware is so important in being healthy in mind and body. I am still so drained when I get into my feels, but I make sure to tell myself that this feeling will pass. Depression can cause you to neglect yourself in so many ways, causing illness/sickness to occur and it is so easy to say to yourself, "It doesn't matter how I feel. I mean nothing to no one and would be better off not existing." I have been able to get to a point of telling myself that my future is going to make an impact, especially for my child. Your body gives you signs to get help, don't ignore them.

I have since then forgiven my father, my mother, wrong-doers toward me. I look back and wonder if what I thought I went through was as bad as I experienced. I don't deny my emotions, but I will always remember to love smart moving forward.