Stop Being A Puppet

Not a day goes by where I don't miss my Mum and Dad dearly. Even though it's now been nearly 14 years since Dad passed away, and coming up to just 2 years since Mum passed away, I still miss them greatly. I can't answer for everyone, but for me, having lost my both my parents now, it feels like this massive hole of emptiness is left inside of me. Even though I may be surrounded by many other family members and loved ones, there's still that feeling of complete loneliness and loss. In my mind, I still vividly recall such wonderful memories of times spent with Mum and Dad, and it's these times that feel like they only happened yesterday, even though they were many years ago. As unfortunate as it is, death is sadly also a part of life, and for those of us left behind to continue on after those we love have passed on, we just need to keep on going, and working towards building the best possible future for ourselves and our children. I couldn't have asked for better parents really, I was absolutely blessed. My Dad was such a hard worker, who dedicated his life to his business basically, just so he could provide Mum, my sister, and I, with the best possible life, whilst he always ensured there were many times throughout the year he could spend some quality time with us all on holiday also. Thanks to Dad being such a hard worker, it allowed Mum the privilege of being a stay home parent, which was so important to my sister's and my upbringing, as she would always work hard to ensure the house was clean, there were healthy cooked meals on the table, and that we always had clean clothes to wear. I can't express how grateful I am to have had such wonderful, loving, and caring parents, and to have been blessed with the childhood I was provided with.

On reflection, I believe that one of the greatest blessings Mum and Dad ever gave me was the freedom to make my own choices in life. I'm talking now about after I turned the age of 18, and became a young adult. This was at the time I had just completed secondary school, and had the world at my feet. Now it's not to say that Mum and Dad didn't have their say as to what they would have liked me to do, and what choices they believe I should have made, but they always ended up respecting my decisions. Mum was wrapped that I was accepted into a University course, and personally didn't care what work industry I would enter into, as long as I was happy. Dad always gave me a subtle hint that he wanted me to go to University to complete a course in accounting, so I could then take over his business once he retired, but again, he never tried to manipulate me or force me in any way. He knew that accounting wasn't my passion, nor my strong point, and as much as he was so hoping that I could continue on his business, I think he knew that it was never to be. As with every single one of us in this world, when we make decisions, we can often make bad ones. There were several times that I would make decisions that either Mum, Dad, or both, would not agree with as being the right choice for me, and they would tell me so, but they wouldn't try and influence or manipulate me against my will. Not surprisingly, there were many decisions in which I failed to listen to their advice, and I ended up suffering for it.

One of the poorest decisions that I made, against the wish of my parents, was the marriage to my first wife. Mum especially, was totally against me marrying this girl, and stated many times prior to the wedding that I was making a mistake. Now I never saw any issues with my relationship, and my first wife and I connected on an awesome level. I honestly couldn't find fault with her, nor could I find any reason not to marry her. Mum, however, obviously could sense something, and always felt very uneasy with this decision. Again though, Mum took a back seat, and allowed me to make my own decision without influence or manipulation. As it was, Mum ended up being right. She saw something in this girl, that I didn't, and could foresee that I was only going to end up getting hurt, but rather than try and force me not to marry this girl, she allowed me to make the decision, make the mistake, and learn from the mistake, whilst she would be there to comfort and support me thereafter. It was a painful lesson to learn, but there's one thing about making bad decisions and facing times of adversity thereafter, is that it contributes to our growth and development. We learn from the experience, we find a way to overcome the adversity and pain, and it makes us stronger. That's what life is all about; experience, learning, growth, development, and maturity.

As parents, it's natural to want the best for our children. We want them to succeed, we want them to thrive, we want them to prosper, we want them to be happy, and above all, we want them to be safe and happy. As much as we are entitled to give them some advice and suggestions in what we believe is best for them and their future, there comes a time where we need to back off and let them make their own decisions, whether we believe it's right or not. There's also a massive difference between giving advice and recommendations, compared to trying to influence and manipulate. It's a sad fact that many parents will influence and manipulate their children into making decisions purely to suit their own agenda, rather than being what is actually best and most beneficial for their children. Now I'm not talking about their children in the sense of being under the age of 18, I'm talking about their children in the sense of being over the age of 18. As parents, we can make choices for our children whilst they are minors, but once they turn adults, we have an obligation to let them live their own life, just as we are entitled to live our own. They were born with a brain, they were born with a heart, they were born with a mind, and therefore they are entitled to use each of them themselves, and live a life to their own design. It's time some parents stopped treating their children like they are a puppet, and start giving them the opportunity to live their life as an adult. They are undoubtedly going to make poor and wrong decisions, we all do, but it's these decisions that will serve as a wonderful learning experience for them, which will allow them to grow, develop, mature, and define their own character. Once our children turn into adults, we can offer them some advice absolutely, but we need to let them make their own choices, and just be there to support them, love them, and show them compassion, when things don't work out as they planned. To deny them of that, we are denying them the opportunity to learn and grow. We are in fact doing them a disservice. It may be hard to sit back and witness, but life is all about learning after all, and they need that education. We also need to immediately cease trying to make them feel guilty or bad, or even threaten them, in not following our advice or recommendations, because that's where it becomes emotional manipulation.

I have someone present in my life who is absolutely controlled by their mother, but the worst part to this is, they don't even realize it. Now this person hasn't just turned 18, they aren't even in the twenties, they are actually in their thirties. Now this person is extremely loyal and dedicated to their family, however their love for their family has totally blinded them in seeing that they are being controlled and manipulated. One of the worst outlets in which a parent can influence and manipulate their children, is when they start to interfere in their children's marriage. Again, as a parent, we want our children to have a life partner who will look after them, support them, treat them with respect, care, love, honor, honesty, and faithfulness. There are those parents though who, no matter the number of good values, morals, and behaviors, their children's partners have, they will always focus on any faults, any possible negatives, or paint them out to be a bad person or bad wife/husband. Basically, no one is ever good enough for their children. My own mother was a classic example of this, and she always saw the negatives in my partners, although she at least never interfered in my relationships. I would just have to defend my partner's honor behind the scenes. That parent's interference then places that particular child in a very awkward position because they feel obliged to defend their partner, which means they have to stand up to their parent, otherwise they would then dishonor their partner and side with their parent. No child should ever be subjected to that! That is where manipulation is at its worse.

This particular person I talk of above, allowed their partner to be subjected to several years of harassment by their mother, yet failed to defend them whatsoever because they were fearful of standing up to their own mother. They were completely under their mother's control and influence, and what's more, their mother knew it also, and preyed on it. Their mother was continually interfering in their child's marriage, continually painting out their child's partner in a bad light, even to the point where the child themselves started to believe it themselves. Not surprisingly, that marriage ended up breaking down. Even still, this person continues to make decisions based on what their mother is advising them, which is unfortunately leading them to future destruction and disappointment. They just cannot see that the advice their mother is giving them is not in any way for their benefit, but instead, it's only for the benefit of their mother. It's just sad to see they cannot see they are being manipulated and influenced, because the love and respect they have for their mother is controlling their mind. Flipping things around now from a parent's point of view, to a child's point of view, our parents are naturally going to give us advice and recommendations to which they believe are best for us. The truth is, such advice and recommendations may not be what actually is best for us, it may purely what our parents believe is best for us. At the end of the day, we are not a puppet! We have been granted the blessing of life to actually live the life we desire, not what our parents desire. Just because we don't adhere to the advice and recommendations of our parents, doesn't mean we love them any less, it doesn't mean we disrespect them, it doesn't mean we can't be appreciative that they are trying to suggest what they believe is best for us, it just means that we choose to live a life by our own design, and that's what every single one of us are entitled to do. It's not an easy thing to stand up to our parents and go against their advice, it takes great courage, but it's our life to live after all. We will make mistakes with many decisions, and our parents will be right on occasions, but they will be wrong on occasions also. Our focus needs to be on what we instinctively believe, and what's in our heart, to be the best decisions that will help us progress towards our goals, and a future blessed with success, happiness, and prosperity. A parent's role is to accept the child's decisions, and always be their to support their child, whether they believe such decisions are right or wrong. So if you've now entered into adulthood, or even if you have been an adult for several years, it's time to stop being a puppet to your parents. Do what's best for your life, strive for success and happiness, and prove your potential and abilities to your parents, so they can be truly proud of the person you have become!

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