Sparkle and Flame

This is the story of a girl who was lost... in her own little room in the city by the river. The ghosts of her past, present, and future were haunting her every second of each day. Sometimes there were days that seemed to start out in a neutral space, and then something always ended up transforming it into a terrible day. To say that this woman was perceptive, sensitive, and empathic would be an understatement. Emotions had always been part and parcel to her life. Multiple chronic illnesses have ravaged her body and mind, leaving her frail and fear-filled. This girl had fought her way through so many battles, both literally and figuratively, and yet she still had no idea who she truly was.

Trauma in childhood had shaped the way that she reacted and responded to the world around her. It was a flawed response, and she was very aware of that fact... trying desperately to find the answers that would help heal her; to find better ways to connect with others. Collecting self-help books about her mental and physical illnesses, as well as books about relationships to create her own little library was only the beginning. Healing crystals, sensory therapy, creative outlets, self-care rituals, meditation, group therapy, talk therapy, and the list continued to grow as she continued on her path. This girl had been an outcast since she could remember, and it made her believe that she would never truly fit in anywhere. She often felt like an alien, an outsider, a weirdo, an outcast, and a black sheep all rolled into one. Even with all of these literal and figurative tools that she had on board, her soul was missing its spark.

Friendships usually started with ease, but petered out like a flame without enough oxygen. Relationships of the romantic kind burned with a fiery passion at the start, but eventually ended with much turbulence. She would try to communicate with words, but she would always blurt out the wrong ones and stumble to find the right ones. Often times, she couldn’t see the positive aspects of these unions until it was too late, and she had already burned the bridge so there was no turning back. And with each failed relationship, this girl fell back into the shadows. Even when she was finally in a relationship that made her happier than she had ever been, there was a nagging voice in her mind that it would not last. She had climbed out of the shadows, found her happiness, gotten married and was getting ready to start a family of her own. But still the voice whispered insidiously, “you don’t deserve happiness.”

Stuck in the pursuit of happiness, her trait of perfectionism created an “all or nothing” kind of thinking. She started to nit-pick everything apart, making pros and cons lists for everything including her spouse. Doubt crept in and the darkness grew. Because of past betrayals haunting her, she had an extremely difficult time with trust - both of herself, and of others. She lost her faith in humanity years ago, and ditched her spirituality as well. It was only a matter of time before her worst fear would come to life: her soulmate gave up on trying to help her, right when she needed the most support.

Constantly, she would turn to others to ask for their opinions, or she would get unsolicited advice. These messages, among others, rang in her ears:

“If you eat this (blank), it will help with your (blank),” but also, “if you cut these things out of your diet, it could help with your pain.”

“You’re going to need a diagnostic surgery.”

“You need to slow down and meditate.”

“This condition is incurable.”

“I don’t think you are as disabled as you think you are.”

“Mindfulness can help us regulate our emotions.”

So many messages, and rush in every day. This girl was drowning in everything that social norms were telling her, in contrast to every comment from her inner saboteur. She fought every day, against the signs that her body was screaming at her, just to have a part time job. It gave her a sense of “normalcy”, because being disabled and labeled as “lazy” wasn’t good enough for her. This girl was caught in the cracks... too stubborn to slip through willingly and be forgotten, but also too weak and shy to be able to stand up and fight for her rights, and what she believed in.

Sometimes she dreamed that she was a healthy, fully capable human. And then she would wake up in pain, after a restless night, too exhausted to even move... so she would call in sick to work, receive the twenty million questions from her boss as to why she didn’t come to work, and be asked to procure a doctors slip for that day. This was another constant struggle, especially when the employer knew that this girl is sick but not contagious. She’s just burnt out from trying to please and placate everyone except herself.

Time passed, and the darkness still remained. It hadn’t shrunk away, but it also had not grown. It was a manageable lump in her chest, so she continued on her lonely path moving cautiously, one step at a time.

One day, a new voice appeared inside of her and it was a sparkling, warm and inviting voice. This girl who had been steeped in sadness her whole life could not fathom how something so shiny and radiant was able to penetrate the sea of darkness. But it had, and it refused to be dulled by the seas of tar and muck that reside within her. As this girl turned her attention to this sparkling flame, she noticed that the weight of the pain that she carried began to lighten. This flame said everything that she had needed to hear, without using any words at all. And she saw her path... cut through the darkness, clear as day. She finally saw HER TRUE SELF reflected back at her, and knew what the next step had to be.

The girl then went to the bookstore and bought herself a black notebook with a hard cover. She intended to write down her stories, and hopefully be able to help someone else to find their way through the darkness. She committed herself to writing something each day, and eventually wrote and published her own story. She received a $20,000 prize from a competition, and used the money to help fund mental health resources in her hometown, so that others who felt alone as she did would have access to more therapies.

At long last, she made peace with her inner turmoils, and recognized that her experiences were the catalysts that she needed to shine bright like a diamond.