Soul Release

Pandemic. That is what most people will think of when they remember 2020. We replaced human interaction with solitude and face masks. Grocery store banter was rarely heard. People were alone with their thoughts, their traumas, and their pain for the first time in most of their lives. Experts say that mental illness was skyrocketing. I would argue that our vices were taken away, which forced us to face our true selves. While the world was masking up to fight a virus, there was a deeper unmasking of raw emotion bubbling beneath the surface.

That unmasking would lead to revolutions demanding change, equality, and human rights. People were finding their voices, and they were making everyone hear them. I found myself wondering what my unmasking would look like. What form would it take? Would it be inspiring to others? Could I become a voice of change? When would it start?

As it turned out, my unmasking had one requirement, and a price tag: a piece of my soul for $20,000. To understand how this transpired, you must first know what happened on May 3, 2015. That's the day that a monetary value was placed on me.

Standing at the stove, waiting for the oven timer to go off, I heard the front door open. Any positive feelings I had within me vanished instantaneously. Our relationship had receded to my hating him. He had secluded me from everyone that I loved. I loathed the very sight of him, but I had to be calculating in my exit strategy. Even though I had already dealt with his abuse, for far longer than I should have, I knew that I could survive a few more days. He could never know about the escape that I was planning. "Hey, I'm almost finished with supper. I'll bring your plate in a few min—"

His hand wrapped tightly around my hair, digging his knuckles into my skull. I threw my arms in front of me as he slammed my face into the side of the refrigerator. "Stop!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs, hoping one of the neighbors would hear my cry for help. Blood gushed from my nose, flowing into my mouth. His eyes were empty. There wasn't anger, just emptiness. A man that had nothing to lose, and I was stuck in his grasp.

A flurry of punches rattled my ribcage before I hit the ceramic tiled floor. Why was this happening? What set him off? Thoughts barely had time to form, before he was dragging me into the living room. Somewhere, between the kitchen and the living room, he managed to rip my pants off. My kicks didn't faze him. Instead, he eerily smirked at me each time my foot connected with his body.

After managing to rip my clothes off, he positioned himself behind me. Holding my body up, my back against his chest, he slid his arm around the front of my throat. Adrenaline surged through my body like a lightning bolt. This was it. I was fighting for my life. My hands pried at his forearm, trying to gain some type of control. The pressure across my throat increased, as he slowly squeezed. I couldn't scream. I couldn't breathe. Total darkness surrounded me.

My head was in his lap when I finally came to. His fingers were running through my hair. Every part of my body hurt. His eyes were soulless. There was no longer a human being inside of that human body. I attempted to scream, but my voice was gone. Had he damaged my vocal cords when he choked me? He was being gentle, maybe he was done. My hands raised to my head, and that's when I realized what he'd done. My hair was wet. Frantically, I ran my hands down my body. He had bathed me. He had shaved me. He wasn't finished with me yet.

As I struggled to get off of his lap, he lifted me up, and threw me onto the wooden floor of the living room. Pain receptors in my body were screaming, yet, no sound came out. Grabbing my ankles, he pulled my body to the middle of the floor. I was out of fight. I needed medical attention. I surrendered as he mounted me. Tears ran down my face as he thrusted against me. Once he finished, he wiped himself off, lowered his mouth to my ear, and whispered, "Now, I'm finished with you."

Suddenly, his hands were on my throat again, only this time he was going for the kill. My entire neck was engulfed by his hands. This is how I was going to die. Every endorphin in my body must've released at the same time. My senses were on overdrive. My hands grabbed at everything, until I felt something metal. Something heavy. I swung with every ounce of energy I had left, and it landed square across his temple. He immediately slumped, his blood dripping onto my face. There was an indescribable satisfaction that I felt at the sight of his blood. I mustered what energy I had left, and I was able to slide out from under him, crawling to the neighbor's apartment. Finally, I had escaped. I was alive. And I drew last blood!

He went to prison for what he did. The sentence wasn't nearly enough - 3 years with 2 years suspended. He did 1 year for almost killing me, and raping me. ONE year. You may be wondering who "he" is, since I haven't shared his name in this story. You have to understand that his name doesn't matter. He is an abuser, a predator, and a monster.

So, how did this lead to selling part of my soul for $20,000?

I've always kept little black books. My books are filled with ideas, creativity, inspiration, and moments that I feel should be memorialized forever. Needless to say, my attack on May 3, 2015, is recorded in one of my black books. I never wanted time to skew the facts of what happened that day. My story was brought to life on those pages, and that was a small act of regaining my power from him. The funny thing about power, is that our perception of what power is, changes as we grow.

2020 rolled around, and abusers everywhere were scared for the next day's headline. My abuser was one of those that was living in fear. He wasn't a celebrity, but he had made his share of enemies amongst the females that had the displeasure of being in his life. Prison hadn't reformed him, and he was facing another set of violent charges. His sister thought that my testimony would be a damning piece of character evidence. Therefore, they wanted to buy my silence. $20,000 for my refusal to testify as a character witness against him.

Initially, I was appalled by such an offer. How could he think that he could silence me with money? Silence is complicity. It's my duty to relive this trauma, so that it can help another woman find justice, even though I tried to warn her about who he really was, and she refused to listen. It's still my obligation to help in any way I can. Or, was it? That money could pay for my path to healing. It could be what helps me find mental freedom again. I had 24 hours to make a decision.

That night I wrestled with the choice I had to make. No matter what I chose, someone lost. In the end, I realized that the person that would lose either way, was me. This woman's justice wasn't dependent on my testimony. He only thought it was. The prosecution hadn't even contacted me. Yet, he would feel victorious if I took the money. Could I really sell that part of myself to him, and let him think he won?

Yes. Yes, I could. He thinks he bought part of my soul when his sister gave me $20,000, but what he thinks doesn't matter. He's back behind bars, and I'm using his money to pay for my healing. What I've realized, is that sometimes part of our soul does die, but that's not always a bad thing. Humans are amazingly resilient beings. Our souls are forever evolving as we go through this journey called life. If part of our soul dies, it will grow back as something more beautiful than we could have imagined. We just have to get past the fear of letting that part of ourselves go, and we have to embrace the future.

I still have all of my black books from the past, with the exception of May 3, 2015. That part of my story is over now, and there's no need in me reading it again. I've released that book into the world, with the hope that someone else will read that story, when they need it most, and they'll know that they're not alone.

As for me, I started a new black book today. The first thing I wrote was, "You had no choice in becoming a victim, but you do choose how long you remain one."