Sober-Curious

New Year's Eve started out with a boutique Pinot Noir, a lovely cheese board, and the optimism implied in finally saying goodbye to both Donald Trump and the year 2020. It ended in a big, stupid, boozy, screaming fight. The next morning, Husband said, "Well, here we are again, the exact same place we were a year ago."

(Husband is a functional alcoholic and also the least self-aware educated person I can think of. This isn't just the "same place we were a year ago", it's the same dang place we've been circling back around to repeatedly since at least 2014.)

I, however, am tired of this place. I am ready for a fresh start. I and our whole family desperately need a fresh start.

Every January, I do a cleanse. Often it's the Whole30: a month of no sugar, no dairy, no grains, no processed garbage food, and no alcohol. Often Husband starts it with me, because he needs to "lose some weight" so his "back quits hurting" (never because he can admit to himself or anyone else that 13 beers and a bottle of wine a day is actually a problem). I usually make it to the end feeling cleansed, healthy, lighter, and hopeful. Husband usually makes it a few days and then finds reasons it won't work. And then he goes around talking about how stupid it even is to begin with, how I don't need to lose weight (no mention of actually getting HEALTHY), and how I'm just torturing everybody needlessly for a month with this diet.

Every February, on the 1st or at least the first weekend, I gleefully shovel into my face every Big Mac meal, croissant, wedge of expensive cheese, warmed up pot of crappy processed-cheese-food dip, bottle of wine, and pile of tacos I have been missing all month in a huge solo celebration of my "success" and newly restored "health". And then my beloved Pinot Noir starts edging its way back into my daily routine. It starts with a glass at dinner. Then it becomes a glass while making dinner and a glass at dinner. Then it becomes a glass while making dinner, a glass at dinner, and "That was so yummy, let's open another bottle!". Soon there are random days where I'm sitting at my desk at work wondering if it's too early to have a beer.

We have two school-aged children. I've always told them that wine and beer (the only alcohol we drink in our house--Husband at least knows himself well enough to insist we don't keep the hard stuff around) are for adults only, and about the damage they'll cause to a child's developing brain. I've also talked to them about the damage too much of it can cause even to a grown person's mind and body, and about the circumstances in which it is unsafe and/or illegal to drink it.

Unfortunately, they know first hand what too much will do to a grown person. "Daddy's acting weird" was what they used to say when they were little. "Daddy's acting weird, don't go work in your office." "Daddy's acting weird, can you sleep in our room?" Daddy was "acting weird", and they felt unsure and unsafe and that sometimes their Dad stopped being the responsible grownup.

They still say it. But now they know full well that it means "Daddy is drunk as shit.".

To my knowledge, they have never said "Mama's acting weird." Mama doesn't get stumble-around, slurry, yelling drunk. Mama doesn't go pass out halfway through dinner.

Mama doesn't become a verbally abusive, hate-spewing, gaslighting asshole.

It feels easier to stomach the contempt, though, when I have a warm wine buzz. It's easier to go through the day-to-day of running a business and a family with him when I know I've got that liquid escape if I need it. The problem is that it is also easier to get sucked into the drama. Gaslighting works much better on a person when they're a little fuzzy-headed to begin with, and before I know it I am picking up the bait he dropped and yelling right back at him, probably sounding just as crazy.

The Whole30 isn't meant to be sustained as a permanent diet. It is meant to be a detox, and to re-train the body and mind to crave and metabolize healthy foods. It is a reset button.

It is February 2 now, and I have yet to indulge in my customary binge-a-palooza. Instead, I am going to introduce "carbs" back in--because a body needs them--in the form of whole grains and homemade bread. I'm going to respect the fact that my joints ache a little when I have too much dairy. And most importantly, I'm not going to drink every day.

I'm not going to drink most days.

When I do, it will be ONLY after everyone else in the house has gone to bed, when I'm no longer burdened with having to be "self-aware for two".

I feel cleansed, healthy, lighter, and hopeful, and I intend to keep it that way.

Ok, 2021, let's do this thing!!