so you've burnt out.

Today has been a bad brain day. I've felt a mixture of wanting to go to sleep and being too anxious to do so, feeling both the need to cry as well as to throw up and at the core of it just wanting the world to just stop. Even just for a moment.

Days like these happen from time to time for me as they do with most people. It feels like my brain is a jammed printer with paper stuck inside and I can't seem to get it to work no matter how many times I restart it. And its particularly hard to take a proper look and fix the paper jam if you have so many things left to do and not enough time to do so. And don't get me wrong I love what I do and I am so fortunate to do the things I adore in life, but, in a way it makes it worse. Because not only do you have a paper jam but you also can't complain about it, because you shoved the paper in there in the first place and to even have a paper and a printer is a blessing. You can't slow down, you can't take a break because this is what you wanted. This is the life you've dreamt of.

And so now I'm stuck with a dead printer and no ink. I am quite simply 'burnt out'.

But the thing with burn out is that it never an evil thing and it never lasts longer than it needs to. It is quite simply your mind and body putting on a pair of overalls and ordering you to go sleep on the couch whilst they fix that inky mess that you made in the corner. Burn out is not something I fear, not really but rather its the fear of failing everyone who is counting on me. But what's the use to trying to take care of others if you're too dysfunctional to be of any use? What's the point of trying to print out a pretty picture if the machine you use is falling to pieces?

So, right now I'm a bit of a mess but after a few days I'll have a fully functioning printer and lots more ink (who is getting tired of this metaphor now🙋‍♀️) and while I'm waiting on that to happen, I'm just going to take it slow. Dial down the brain power and allow it to just shut down for a while. I'll still be doing the things I need to do but I'm allowing myself the opportunity to not stress about them and to just breathe.

So essentially what I'm saying that its okay to be burnt out. Its okay to have bad brain days and its definitely okay to allow yourself the space and time to just reset. You are not a machine (even though this metaphor does sort of imply it😂) but you a person. Don't let capitalism and hustle culture win. You are still valuable even when you choose to take a break to just breathe.

So, I guess I'll see you soon and I'm now going to go and watch some Lilo and Stitch 😂