Shining a light on resilience: rethinking the practices of self resilience.

I am not here to lay out the tools of how to build your strength and success under the label of resilience. I am here to invite you to look inside. And rebuild the path to yourself. What you stand for, your integrity towards yourself and the values that serve you. Allow that to be the reflection of your journey. So next time you are getting on a "horse", pause and ask yourself — what is this horse actually made up of? And does it match the needs of your whole self? Next time you are stepping into a situation or environment, ask yourself does this reflect me, my values and what I intended to do in the world. (see my previous article in this series for horse analogy)

I have come to rely on helpful tactics for understanding myself and reconnecting to those fundamentals. Especially as they become blurry in hurried day to day needs to succeed, build and become better. My collection of tactics and practices have been gifted to me by diverse individuals — psychologists, anthropologists, spiritual teachers, politicians, mothers, grandparents, futurists, feminists, brothers and sisters and others. I've molded them to make them my own. I will share with you a couple that I find myself inevitably returning to again and again and I suggest for you to explore them and take what serves you, and leave the rest.

Your Lantern — keeping your light

Values are the answer to the question - “What matters most to you in life?”

They help us choose the direction for our lives that align with what is truly important to us. By knowing our values, we can use their guidance to construct goals that promote behavior that reflect them. Values serve as an inner guide that “lights the way” through the path of life.

Setting values is not difficult. There is no right or wrong, as it is a personal affirmation of what truly speaks and resonates with each of us. However, things get tricky as we try to maintain a clear sight of our values moving through life. The difficulty can show up in our bodies as injuries, in hearts as a lost sense of purpose or a discomfort as we ride the "horse" not quite certain why and how are we on this particular journey. For me it was continuously feeling like I am being hit by the waves, unable to touch the ground under my feet.

Post my burnout and during my journey of realignment, I reassessed my values. Yet, I struggled to understand how to maintain them as the guiding light of my actions and choice of situations. How do I move from being hit by the waves to flowing with the waves? How do I endure the pressure of the waves despite them coming and being so uncertain? My coach Maureen had suggested a very helpful visual that I use to this day.

"Think of your values as a flame. Like any spark of fire, there are circumstances that threaten it going out, as simple as the wind blowing. The flame needs protection. And so the flame is placed in a lantern. You can see the flame through the clear glass but thanks to it, it is protected.

You need to protect your values, as you protect the flame. Asking yourself — what are the specific behaviors that support and protect my values? Who are the people around me who support and protect my values?

And while these will be a protective support, you will likely at times find it too heavy to carry the lantern. By walking away from it, the light quickly will disappear and it becomes dark. The handle of the lantern can be your reminder of behaviors that serve as a red flag. A red flag that you’ve moved away from your light and your values. As you become aware of them, they will not disappear, but will be quicker and easier to spot. And so ensuring that you do not walk in darkness for long.

Remember when I shared how I went right back to some of the unserving techniques after I had my boiling point of burnout? Those unlearnings continue, which means I still find myself doing things that jeopardize my wellbeing and therefore, stray away from my values, my lantern. But over time, I have learnt to understand the red flags. Like when I am unable to sleep because of a feeling of anxiety. Or when I feel rushed from one moment or conversation to another, or when an activity that usually brings me pleasures feels draining. I sit down and reflect on what is that I am doing or not doing that is not aligned with my values. Feeling like I am back on the horse.

The above described lantern tool was initially created by Dr Brené Brown.

Lean in — with a strong back and soft front

I like visuals. They help me make sense of the deeper thoughts and embody them as I close my eyes and visualize them. And so similarly I have created a visual for the phrase “strong back and soft front.” A beautiful phrase from Roshi Joan Halifax - Dr. Halifax is a Buddhist teacher, she’s a Zen priest, she’s an anthropologist and activist, she’s the author of several really important books on engaged Buddhism.

When I think of this phrase I imagine trees, deeply rooted in the ground, yet soaring high into the sky. The higher they rise the wider their branches and softer and lighter as they brace the changes of weather and dance with the wind. The deep roots being our sturdy spine and the light and soft branches our open front. Our robust spine keeps us strong in our values and courage. Our soft front encourages us to walk through our path and meet others in a place of openness and eagerness to learn, to grow -- just like new branches discovering the space above. The young limbs can move ahead because they have the sturdiness of the roots. And so can we.

Dr Halifax says “all too often our so-called strength comes from fear, not love. Instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front, shielding a weak spine. In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open. How can we give and accept care with a strong back, soft front, compassion, moving past fear to a place of genuine tenderness? I believe it comes when we can be truly transparent, seeing the world clearly and letting the world see into us.”

My assessment of the "horse" that threw me off and resulted in my burnout had also shown me the lack of sturdiness in my back and the defense right at the center of my front. I had layered up, very thick layers of protection which I hid behind. Believing that maybe this would save me as a rider on the horse.

I am not alone. Too often we feel we need to layer up the thick layers of protection and we hide behind them. Reflectively, we then encourage and actually expect others to do the same. Sometimes referring to it as building resilience, building a thick skin of experience that can persevere no matter how brutal the fall may be. All of which makes it harder and harder for us to work together from a place of compassion, vulnerability and true confidence.

The strong back Dr Halifax describes does require building, but it is from pieces that are within us, not on the outside. It is the understanding of ourselves, what we stand for and how we govern our lantern that composes the strength of the back and our courage. And the soft front is our curiosity, care and compassion for ourselves that reflects on to the other.

Never would I have imagined myself that there is courage within this very vulnerable story. My own story of falling, failing and burning out. A story that doesn’t hold up answers and resolutions that the external world approves. A story that goes even deeper within to assess the fundamentals so that I can meet you and you can meet me. And the reflection continues with each individual I meet, I do so with tenderness of my true being.

Thank you for meeting me right here to share this story with you, truly.

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If you've missed the beginning of my story, you can return to the first story of this collection essays about resilience and moving through and beyond burnout.

If you are interested to read more of my stories on coming home to myself and how I became a participant rather than an observant of myself, my relations and the world around me, stay tune here. The topics will vary from gender, future of work, foster care, technological resolutions, sustainability, human-centerness, transformations big and small. But with one constant golden thread - it will be with my real true voice and with intention to fill you with light and exampansion.

This series of short essays on #resilience was inspired by the first Women Entrepreneurs for Global Impact Conference hosted by International Council for Small Business in November 2020 and the thought leadership writing workshop with Iris Mansour of everyepic.com hosted by The Coaching Fellowship. And shared now, as part of April 2021 - Stress Awareness Month.

It was brought to life thanks to the many womxn in my life who have shared their stories and experiences with me.

Additional resources you may like to explore

• The Values - Lantern exercise
• Work of Roshi Joan Halifax at the Upay Institute in Santa Fe, New Mexico
• Podcast about Roshi Joan Halifax soft front and strong back by Brené Brown
• All the work of Brené Brown, a researcher of shame, vulnerability, courage and empathy. Whose words I often revert back to reminding me live bravely nevertheless: