Searching For Love

And this is what happens when one is distraught, destitute, desperate, and... diseased?

My name is T (aka Timothy Bartsch). I have lived with HIV for over twenty-two years (tested positive in 1996), and nearly died from AIDS in 2009.

Back in 1996, the life-saving medications-to-be to treat HIV just came out that year, but they had many side effects, and HIV specialists did not know yet how effective they would be. I was twenty years old at the time. My doctor said matter-of-factly, "If you don't take meds, you have five years to live max, but if you take them properly, maybe ten years." What a way to welcome a young soul to their twenties!!

Dying young didn't concern me so much as did the fear that nobody, especially of the female kind, would ever love/want to be with me again. Who would ever want to make love to me again, now that I had 'the killer disease?' I took the medications for two years, experienced gutwrenching side effects (e.g., bouts with antiretroviral-caused kidney stones two times), and fell into a depression over the next four years. I also started to write songs and sing.

The lifelong theme of my 'searching for love' did not begin with contracting HIV, though. Even though later on (in my late twenties), I finally realized I was rather good-looking, most of my childhood was plagued by the feeling that I was unattractive and limerance for 'beautiful girls' that ended up never loving me. I believed that if 'that girl' just loved me, my life would be perfect, no problems ever again, she would 'save me.' Of course, there were underlying traumas and societal factors (e.g., bullies at school) that caused this deep dive into delusion and Phantasia.

Living with HIV in my twenties now exacerbated my 'pretty girl' idolatry. For example, I just started my cello studies in Germany when I tested positive for HIV. I was living in an international dorm building, and the Finnish girl who lived in the room next to mine was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Think, old school brunette Hollywood actresses from the first half of the 20th Century, (e.g., Hedy Lamarr). We hit it off briefly before a couple of weeks before my 'HIV positive' branding became a reality. Over the next four years, I pined for her to write one letter to me, and even flew to Europe to meet her twice. She politely declined my romantic intentions.

In 2000, while continuing to write songs, but refusing to teach music, I became a security guard and got bored with this career change quite quickly. I stopped taking HIV medications the year before, not believing HIV caused AIDS (boy, did I turn out to be wrong!!). I became fed up with this 'HIV label,' and decided to put my dating profile on one of the internet's first 'HIV dating sites.' In a day or two, I started talking with this very talkative lady from Los Angeles, and within a week flew down (from Vancouver) to meet her.

Immediately upon first sight, I knew I wasn't attracted to her. But, I felt, 'better take what I can get,' beggars can't be choosers. BAD MISTAKE!! We married a couple of months later, and the 'marriage' only lasted eight months.

I then used my 'power of HIV' and the privileged fact of living in Canada to go on disability. I moved to downtown Vancouver in my place (away from Mommy), got a part-time job, joined rock bands, and continued to create my music. I started to live again!!

I also started to fall in love again with ladies who were unable or refused to love me. Around age twenty-seven, I wrote 'Searching For Love,' the song you see and hear me singing with the Southern Time Band above, and through music, I started to heal my hurting path.

At age 29, I produced a multimedia stage production of my rock opera 'Southern Time' in Vancouver, B.C., and then fell in love with another lady who lusted for me for a time but ended up breaking my heart once again.

Then, I nearly died from AIDS in 2009. Due to HIV science advances since 1996 and motherly love (and living in Canada), I survived, though sustained (potentially) permanent lower spinal cord damage. Staring death in the face, I now had a new perspective on life, and was never going to get 'down in the doldrums' again. I since haven't taken a moment for granted or stayed 'sad' for more than a few hours in a day!

Once I came out of the hospital (after six months), I went back onto an HIV dating site and eventually found my second wife. When we finally met (she's from Australia), once more, I wasn't too attracted to her. This marriage 'lasted' for a year and a half this time, but I now confidently knew I was not bad looking, despite my newfound inability to walk unassisted with canes. I had a new killer attitude about life!!

Over the rest of my thirties and the beginning of my forties, I learned to love myself truly!! I met and got involved with some pretty beautiful ladies, and though these relationships did not last, I was becoming ever more resilient.

In 2015, I moved back to Toronto, determined to find the professional musicians for the Southern Time Band, and acquire the means to make my cinematic rock opera 'Southern Time' a reality. In 2017, I met my life's love, the mother of my first child (in 2020), and soon-to-be my future wife.

Suffice to say; I am not 'searching for love' anymore ~ I have found it!! Not in a person, but myself. I finally love and accept myself, and I hope you do, too!!

Check out more songs from the Southern Time Band's first album release 'Lost in Love No More' at www.southerntimeband.com

Take care, and love yourself!!

T