Restored Thankfulness

Thanksgiving. A time of year that ironically reminds me of falls, and coldness. Not just because of the season in which it resides. I’ve been in three major accidents, all during the Fall or beginning of Winter season, and subconsciously, around this time of our annual traverse around that bright, glowing star that we call our sun, I am reminded of the downward spiral that my life has taken. You’re probably thinking this is a bit dark and gloomy for a story geared toward giving thanks. You’re absolutely right, it is. However, like the sun, our shine has to go in bidding for it to truly stand out, and be noticed, or appreciated. For a while now, gratitude has eluded me. So focused on my flaws and trauma related downfalls, thankfulness has been out of sight, veiled by self-pity, selfishness, a low sense of self-worth, etc. In a year like none other, full of ongoing trials for almost everyone, maybe this is what it took. A year of vision.

For so long I’ve yearned for that high paying job, that fantastical and romantic love interest, days full of laughter and joy. Outside of the financial freedom that I wanted, I’ve had the latter two. Is it better to have loved and lost, rather than to not loved at all? An age old question that rings loud in my ears, often. I began this article speaking on three major accidents. These days it’s hard for me to believe in irony, I tend to think that everything really is happening as it’s supposed to, as it was written by the hand of the Almighty. Mind, heart, and soul. With each accident that I was a part of, I seem to symbolically lose each, stripped of my very essence.

The first accident happened on Thanksgiving, “ironically.” Riding along with my older cousin in his forest green Mitsubishi Galant, just leaving a nearby restaurant where my family would regularly visit for the buttery dinner rolls, alone, we couldn’t wait to get back home and feast. We made the left turn out of the parking lot, headed toward the first traffic light, when my cousin noticed the rolls moving around in the backseat. In an attempt to save them from escaping the box, had it fallen to the floor, he reached back while still driving. That’s when the car hit the median divider in the road, and left off the ground for a split second, and in an instance I’m face down into a hot airbag. One half of my face slightly burned, and after leaving the hospital, I was left wearing an eye-patch for the Thanksgiving holiday, and the next couple of weeks. I knew nothing about the third eye, or the symbol of the all-seeing eye at that time, I mean, I was only in middle school. As time passed, although, I’d become familiar with it. There I was with one eye, marking the beginning of my unknowing journey into spiritualism. My mind would be forever changed from that day forward. My vision was impaired, more than it already was, because I wore glasses at the time. And still do. It wasn’t just a physical vision that took a hit, though. That accident forced me to see the world differently. As does all trauma. Would I lose an eye? When was the next accident going to happen. Eventually turning into, what does that mean, is that a sign? Almost becoming a slave to it. Thanksgiving just wasn’t the same.

How fitting is it that the one that hurt the most, would symbolize losing my heart. Thrown from the rear windshield of my friend’s vehicle, knocked unconscious, laying cold on wet asphalt on a rainy morning, awaken to the sound of paramedics, raindrops, sirens, and vehicles passing by; and that was nothing compared to what was about to come. Taken to the nearby hospital, there I sat on the bed as the deputy sheriff entered the room. Nothing could prepare me for what he was about to tell me. Come to think about it, I never thought about how it must have felt for someone in his position. He delivered the news, and I could feel my heart practically stop beating. At the time, one of, if not my closest friend, Brittany, gone. The car that hit us, impacted directly on the passenger-rear side, where she was sitting. The very place I was sitting all night up until the last time we all got in the car. Remember that I told you all that these three accidents all happened in the Fall or beginning of Winter. This was early morning, the day before Christmas Eve, 2006. That holiday spirit took a hit, and wasn’t able to recover.

Three days after the New Year, 2013. A night of drinking, smoking marijuana, and recklessness filled the air. Life had long started on that downward spiral, but this time Ma’at sat in front of me with her scale, and Anubis stood guarding the gates to freedom. My decision making was at an all time low, and it was on the verge to dipping a lot lower. Had I just stayed there, slept on the couch, and went home the next morning. That wasn’t so. I staggered my way to the Dodge Durango for one final drive. Funny thing about that drive, I was actually driving decently for being as drunk and high as I was. It was the moment my eyes fell heavy, and closed for a couple of seconds, and then opened to find myself veering left toward the side of the road. In the highly impaired state that I found myself in, I yanked the steering wheel back to the right, jumped a ditch on the right side of the road and skid into a family’s yard, digging into their lawn. Just as I had lost control of the Durango, I had officially and symbolically lost control of my own spiritual vehicle. I’d lost touch with my soul. I wasn’t living anymore, I was merely alive. A DUI later, lost driving privileges, and no sense of direction in life, it was autopilot from then on. Relationships between my family members/closest of friends and myself began to suffer, I had lost myself completely.

We’re all the lead in our own story. In Egyptian Mythology, Heru (or Horas) represents that hero figure who has to take a journey through the trials and tribulations of life. No story would be worth witnessing if there wasn’t that villain attempting to foil the hero’s chance at succeeding. It isn’t always a person, in fact, most of the time in real-life it’s some part of ourselves. The spirit of this or that. Depression, anxiety, addiction, rage, bipolar nature, etc. I wanted to speak on the bottomless pit I seemed to be trapped down at the bottom of because I feel like too many of us work to avoid it. I’m a witness that it is impossible to be truly grateful and thankful until we face those demons lurking in the dark recesses of our minds, hearts, and soul. Because those are entities who are fighting to be seen, heard, felt. They live in our memories, either consciously or subconsciously, aching to be remembered. Horas couldn’t become the hero until he traversed the underworld, defeating his uncle, Set, along the way. A lot of us find it difficult to be truly thankful for things because everything falls under the umbrella of life, and most of us are in so much pain deep down, it’s tough to be thankful for life. Some would rather be dead, if we’re being real. Here’s where I seek to deliver a little advice to whomever is reading this, and myself, this Thanksgiving.

Close your eyes for about fifteen or so minutes, clear your mind, visualize that Thanksgiving you remember being most pleasant as a child, and recapture that feeling. Speaking from my own experiences, I’ve spent so much time thinking about what I’m thankful for, but that’s just it, thoughts. Rarely do those thoughts translate to feeling. Let’s draw strength into our hearts, feeling thankful for nothing but the moment we’re in right now. Understanding that neither the past nor the future can affect us more than the present moment, because that’s what it truly is, a present. A gift from the creator.

Restored thankfulness. We never really lost the gratitude we once had, it just needed to be restored. When I felt like I’d lost my mind, lost my heart, or lost my soul, I later realized that I could never truly lose those things, for they aren’t mine to lose. I sit here in this very moment, thankful for the journey that I’ve been on to this point. Sure, I’d rather get the lessons without having to go through the traumatic experiences, but in hindsight I’m thankful for those experiences because it taught me that I can be thankful for the bad, and the good in life. The real prize for me is this story in itself, because I know that someone is going to read this and gain a little more strength, which will get them through another day. Realizing that there is still room in them to feel thankful, no matter what is going on outside of them. Give thanks to family and friends, because that’s also important. Just don’t forget to thank the one person who’s always gonna be there no matter where you go, and that’s yourself.