Resentment prevented me from living in the present – here are 3 ways that helped me out

What is resentment to me?

The bitter build up of anger that I did not want to address over years of my life. It gave me a sense of holding something very heavy on my chest so much so that when I took back at my past, all I can see if how I have let certain situations and people impact my life negatively.

So what was I resentful towards? 

Was it letting down my inner child who always believed thati would succeed in every damn thing I did?

Was it not being able to connect with people on a genuine and deeper level because I approach them knowing very well that they will leave me anyway because of my evidences from past?

Was it my mother's health issues shattering the beautiful bond I had with her because it never let her be herself?

Was it the loss of my puppy to canine distemper and my fear to see her suffer in the last days of her life that I found excuses to not visit her in hospital

Should've I taken her there instead of leaving her to be cared by my friends? Maybe she would be alive then.

I was resentful at life itself. 

It was a favorite pupil angry and upset that her teacher is treating her incredibly bad. Or a daughter wondering why her father suddenly started acting rude and alienated himself from her.

I believe that I deserve much better than all that is thrown at my life and I fought back by resisting it, by refusing to look at it and eventually resigned to indifference because what was even the point of it. Whatever I am fighting for can be ruthlessly taken away from me at any time.

My escape mechanisms included:

1. Zoning out frequently 

2. Saying yes to everyone to avoid conflict

3. Procrastinating work 

4. Choosing to hate my parents for not giving me the best life ( I am turning 30 in a week)

5. Starting something new – say a painting hobby, cooking regularly but giving up too soon because what was the point.

Every day I was choosing a reason to resent and started recognizing a negative pattern in all things that incidents that happened to me. I will never be given a fair treatment anywhere by life and it is not at all okay. 

I tried writing down my 10 gratitude list daily. After two days, it started sounding so fake that I didn't not want to continue it anymore ( I was thankful for the roof over my head but let me first address my inner voice screaming for help, I convinced myself)

I tried journaling for weeks. Somehow that powerful pen to a paper connection made my anger all the more real and I was becoming the anger one again from my past. It was so painful to me that I eventually gave up.

It took me exactly two years to figure out that no matter how much I denied, built resistance and tried to bury it under my natural cheerfulness it simply did not work.

1. Awareness

No I will admit it, I did not meditate regularly. 

I realized that I was holding on to my past and letting it completely engulfed the moment I have now. I decided not to beat myself first for holding it or start with changing it.

Ekert Tolle in his Power of Now book puts it as:

If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself through lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future."

I realized that moving through a life carrying burdens from past wasn't the worst thing, trying to patch it up with denial through toxic positivity was.

2. Scheduling time

This worked like magic. Especially for someone who has zero compatibility with journaling.

I know writing in paper will trigger me. So I started to record my feelings. It was my official "listen-to-me" time.

There was no time limit and I was allowed to resent, show my anger, complain and worry and sometimes be grateful about anything at all.

It helped me. It brought out all the accumulated anger that I had and slowly I started to become lighter with time.

3. Avoid being alone for sometime

So who was the daily listener and believer of all the grievances? Me.

Who was the source? Me again.

 I decided to separate the listener from the source by drastically cutting down the time I had to think and avoiding environments where I did that.

For e.g. in the mornings, I avoided staying inside the home at all and instead changed my working location. I would sit on the terrace, some days go to a café nearby. 

The next was observing what else I can do to keep myself engaged regularly. I scheduled my painting practice and a simple half an hour workout later in the evening. An idle mind is clearly dangerous.

4. Creativity for self love

I am a creative person since childhood. There is a beautiful connection that I feel when I paint or just forget the movement in the joy of dance. 

Instead of calling them hobbies, I called them hobby gifts. 

Like anyone, I love getting gifts and also enjoyed giving handmade gifts to my friends on special occasions or simply because I love them.

I added one more person who will receive these gifts every fortnight. Yes, that was me.

I would spend time collecting string lights, craft paper, shells, CDs, glitters, confetti ( rule of thumb: any object that bought a smile and remains me of my best moments) and made a basic DIY gift for myself. 

I did not believe when I said "I love myself" because I always believed that love is an action verb. 

It was when I started noticing the time I allocated, the things I purchased and the effort it took to learn it with glue stricken iPhone nearby – that's when I started accepting that - no matter how crazy it sounds, this is a little reward for me for being here. 

This little act of love helped to be present and gradually dissolved the grip I had over my past.

I am accepting that I can never be a clean as a slate brimming with positivity always. I have no control over what life gives me. 

I will choose to accept the problem yet remain myself that I can choose to not let it have control over me.