Realizing True Desire

“I didn’t know there was a way to escape a black hole. Once I realized I had been pulled into one, I’d already been there for a while and it felt as though there was no exit.. After all, its energy was the most powerful thing I had ever felt. It was impossible to not be consumed. That’s how you knew me. That’s where I was all that time.”

“And you’re not living in a ‘black hole’ anymore?” came a woman’s voice.

“No.”

“Well.. that’s good. But.. I’m concerned. This all happened too soon.. and it all just seems very strange. How did you come across all of this so quickly?”

“What?”

“Dear.. Don’t play games. Just explain to me how.. Please. For my own peace of mind.”

I tuned in to my heartbeat. “Sure.”

The ending and the beginning happened on what my phone told was a Tuesday. To me, it started as any other morning had. The silence throughout the house cradled me out of a nightmarish slumber. It was already noon and I just wanted to shut my eyes and shove them back into darkness. But it was not a day I could avoid. I needed to prepare. I needed to wash away the evidence of salt clearly marked across my face.

As I sank into my boots and parka, I stared blankly at the reflection in the hallway mirror. Woof. I forgot to put makeup on. That creature stared back, begrudgingly. I should have a job I love. People that love me. Money. A purpose. I’ll finally have the life I’m supposed to. –Oh god. I crouched down and felt for my shoes. The blackness had permeated my field of vision and I felt light-headed and queasy yet again.

Seven minutes late. I bit my lip and walked in, tracking salt on the carpet. “Hi.”

Teddi ignored the salt and warmly followed me as I collapsed into the chair beside her. “Nice to meet you. How are you today?”

“Good. How’re you?”

“Are you good?”

“No. Just a habit.”

Her head tilted in sympathy as her warm glow grew closer to me. I slid further into my parka.

Teddi’s office had a weird vibe. She had an old glass dining table she used as a desk, and everything was out in the open. Her laptop, a stack of legal pads, sticky notes with curled handwriting, and an assortment of crystals. There were plants thoughtfully spaced throughout the room, and behind us stood a wall of mismatched art. Although it was eclectic and not to my taste, her office still managed to somehow feel pleasing and airy.

It was towards the end of our session that she handed me a small black notebook she conjured from her lap. “Before we part ways for the day, I’d like to give you your homework assignment.”

Shit. I glared down at the leather cover. Although only slightly larger than my hand, it was thicker than I wanted it to be.

“Don’t look too excited! I promise you’ll end up enjoying this assignment over time.”

I shifted my glare up to meet her.

She shot me back with her warm brown eyes and a soft smile. I relaxed my gaze and pursed my lips.

“Good! Your assignment is to fill this book.”

“With what?”

“Whatever you want. You can doodle, draw, write.. whatever comes to you at the time.”

I sighed. “I’m really not that good at journaling and I don’t draw.”

“That’s okay. Just do what you can.. but there are some rules.” She reached for a pen on her desk and handed it to me. It was coated in a gorgeous floral pattern and was shorter than a typical click pen.

“Please jot these down so you don’t forget.”

I pulled the cap off. It was a fountain pen. As I began to scribble, it bled turquoise ink.

“You’ll get used to writing with it, if you choose to write. Both the notebook and the pen are yours by the way.”

“What? No. Really.. I don’t…”

“I want you to have these. They’ll help with the process. Now—” She reached over and tapped on the page, ignoring the ink blob. “Rule One. You must only focus on what you’re writing or drawing in that moment. Forget about the end result or what you think your work should look like or what you think others would say should they read it. Forget about all of it and just focus on what you’re doing in the moment.”

I sighed. “I don’t know if that’s possible.”

“Of course it is! It’s what some would call.. being in the moment.” Her eyes crinkled gaily as if sharing a private joke.

After taking a moment to clear her throat, a smile still in her eyes, she went over Rule Two. “No matter where you are emotionally in that moment, focus on feelings that you desire to feel.”

“I’m sorry, this seems simple.. but I’m confused.”

“What are some things that you want for yourself?”

This question caught me off guard and I felt unprepared to answer.

“I don’t know.” Blinking a few times.

“Yes you do. Just think about it and call out whatever comes to mind.”

I took a heavy sigh. “I want to have a career I love. I want enough money so I can replace my car.. I don’t want to feel alone any—”

“Rephrase that last desire so it’s positive.”

“What? Oh. Um.. I want true companionship.”

“Good!...How much money would you need for a new car?”

“Uhh.. I don’t know.”

“Pick a number.”

I sighed. “I think $20,000 would get me a decent car. What does this have to do with your rules?”

“What kind of emotions would those things bring you if you had them?”

Eck. “Happiness?”

“Be more specific.”

I blew out a large pocket of breath. After a minute of rummaging for words, I whispered slowly, “Joy. Freedom.”

“Love.”

“Yes.”

“Wonderful. Now what does joy feel like? Close your eyes and imagine that feeling growing within you.”

Inhaling slowly, I pinched my eyes shut and tried to remember what joy felt like. It had been so long. Joy, joy… joy. What used to bring me joy? Dancing. I loved dance as a kid. Twirling around, not noticing anyone around me and just flowing through the music. It felt warm. As if my heart had been basking in the sun all day and had grown from the heat. I felt light. My breath carried through my chest and into my belly. Then, for some reason, an image of confetti swirling through my insides came to mind. Tickling me gently, floating from my center out to my fingers and toes. Wow. It felt so good. It was surprising how quickly that feeling came back.

I opened my eyes, barely realizing that I was smiling.

“That was beautiful. You’re doing really well for your first session. That is exactly the type of focus you should have when filling this journal. Remember that.”

I was still buzzing from the feeling of joy when she continued.

“Rule Three. You must ask yourself ‘why?’ and ‘what for?’.”

“Why what?”

“Why you think something, feel something, or do something.”

I stared blankly at her.. “How would I do that if I’m drawing or painting? Doesn’t this rule negate the first two?”

She smiled. “Were you able to get all of these rules down in your notebook?”

Unsure, I looked down at the little black book. “Yes.”

“Awesome. Why don’t you give these rules a try for now, and if you struggle at all, we can talk about it next week.”

I left, sweating underneath the heat of my parka, feeling hopeful for the first time in what seemed like years.

By the time I got back home, I had already succumbed to a stream of negative thoughts about the session and my ability to fill the stupid book.

“WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY?” I shouted out to the ethers. Hearing my pitchy cry, I went back to the black notebook and read the last rule. Ask yourself ‘why?’ and ‘what for?’

I flipped to the next page and began to write.

-I’m feeling discouraged. -Why? Why am I discouraged? -What if I can’t do this.. -Why can’t you? -I’ve failed at life so many times. I won’t get better. I’ll never get what I want.

I dropped the pen and buried my face into my hands. “I’m a failure.”

As I heard the muffled words aloud. I unearthed my head. Blinking a few times, I went back to the first page of the notebook. Rule One: focus on what you’re writing/drawing in that moment and forget about the end result.

I growled in a passionate rage and threw the book at the wall facing me.

After enough time and inhaling deeply, I walked towards the notebook and scooped it up as I let out a slow exhale from my belly. It’s only been a day and I’ve already been breathing more deeply and frequently. That’s a good sign. Focus on the good signs. The things that make you feel good. That’s not that hard.

I walked over to the kitchen table and sat near the kitchen window. With the notebook and pen laid in front of me, I closed my eyes and just focused on my breath. Remembering the techniques Teddi had mentioned earlier, I placed my attention on my chest area. Feeling the thump of my heartbeat, I opened my eyes and exhaled once more.

Opening the book back up, I began to write, following as Teddi had instructed. I did this multiple times a day for weeks. Every Tuesday, I’d see Teddi and she taught me new exercises to guide my thoughts and emotions to a better feeling place.

At first, I could only fill pages with the same positive words written over and over, page by page, as I imagined the feeling occupy my entire body. Soon after, my pages began including little doodles- usually, they were just doodles of cats that felt like they came directly from my turquoise pen. Eventually I was able to start journaling, followed by automatic writing, which is still my favorite. It was through automatic writing that I got into a flow, a state of being, that was nothing short of bliss.

Within a month, I was living in a completely different mindset and I was feeling joyous, free, and loving every day. I was waking up at 6 am and had a routine. I avoided any thought that was led by a ‘should’: I should be this person.. I should be doing that with my time.. I focused only on feeling good and thinking positively.

“So..?”

“So…”

“So, how did it all come to you so fast? The money.. the job.. the lover.. the cat!?”

I smiled cheerfully. Thinking back to my last conversation with Teddi, when I posed the same questions.

“That’s how it all came to me, and how it will all continue to come to me. I matched my feelings with the feelings that my desires would evoke.”

My sister rolled her eyes. “You’re even talking differently. It sounds like you’ve been brainwashed into a cult.”

I chuckled. “It was never about the stuff, Vera. It was never about the job, or the guy, or the cat. All I really wanted was to feel good. The twenty grand, the writing job.. they were all vehicles I thought I needed to feel good! Once I made the decision to feel good anyway, whether I had achieved those desires or not, it all just… fell into my lap.”

It was clear that Vera was upset by the conversation.

I placed a little, black notebook onto my sister’s lap. “Here. This is for you. It’s brand new, minus the first page. I took the liberty of filling it with some useful notes for you.”