Reach

Faith.

It’s such a tricky word, isn’t it? How can you have faith in something you can’t even see? Can’t touch it or hold it, or even feel it.

I’ve struggled with faith my whole life. My mother taught us evolution, always saying we came from gorillas. My grandmother believed wholeheartedly in God. She taught us about Heaven and Hell, angels and demons, and Jesus. To this day, I am still unsure of what I believe.

I know, without a doubt, that I believe in a spiritual world. I believe there are both good and evil spirits among us. That’s easy for me. But, God? He’s much trickier in my mind.

However, something or someone was definitely with me late one night in 2020.

I was having a hard time. Well, we all were, weren’t we? My depression was at an all time low and I was fighting constantly with my husband and grandmother whom lived with us at the time. In the year following the birth of my second son, I struggled deeply with SI. I felt so worthless and like I didn’t matter. Most days, I was certain my children would be better without me and positive that my husband would have been happier. So, following a fight with the two of them, I stormed out of our rental in Florida and just took off down the road.

Driving grounds me. I know they say not to drive when you’re upset, but it generally calms me down. This night though, I was really struggling. I headed down a two lane road with zero clue of what direction I was driving in or what I was headed towards. I just wanted to be gone. I chose a random Spotify playlist, turned the music up, and drove. As I’m passing things along the way, the thoughts were just racing. “I could drive into that; I could step off of there;” You get the picture. I ended up screaming at the top of my lungs to absolutely no one “Why? Why am I even here? What is my purpose? What is the point?”

I must have driven almost 2 hours into the dead middle of nowhere when I finally came across a gas station. It was a literal hole in the wall. A place I normally wouldn’t have set foot into but my bladder was ready to explode and it was the first place I had seen in over an hour! I left everything in my car, I even left the car running, and just went in to go to the bathroom. As I’m sitting there, I got an itchy foot. Yes. An itchy foot. It was completely random, right in the middle of the underneath of my foot. I had to take my shoe off and bend the whole way over to scratch it! As I’m scratching, I look over and written very small in Sharpie under the toilet paper holder is “Thank God”. I rolled my eyes. “Thank God for what?!!” I thought.

Well, I finished my business and headed out to my car. As soon as I sat down, I had a notification pop up from Google photos that I had a new slideshow made for me. Not unusual, I get them occasionally. But what was unusual is that the slideshow was titled “they grow up so fast” and it was filled with pictures of my children. As I’m watching this slideshow, I start to faintly pay attention to what is playing on my speakers.

“Reach farther. Reach higher. Reach deeper. Reach wider. Reach up. Reach out. Just reach right now. Hope”

It stopped me dead in my tracks. I had never heard this song before in my life. I’d never heard of the singer before; to this day, I’ve never heard another song by her. I started the song over to hear it from the beginning.

“When your trouble come to find you; And your problems multiply; And it feels like it's too hard to; Too hard to even try. When you're hit with disappointment; And you're ready to give up; Afraid the luck's not comin'; Not comin' soon enough

It won't be dark forever. One day the light will come. You gotta hold it together, Until you see the sun. I know you're gonna make it, Through all the obstacles. Right now your faith is shaking. That's why I'm asking you; Can you reach? Can you reach? Can you reach When you're at the edge of letting go? Can you reach? Can you reach? Can you reach? You'll find you're stronger than you know.”

I immediately started bawling. It was like someone was smacking me dead in the face. I asked, “why?” I was told to thank God for my children; the answer to my question is my children. I was given encouragement to keep pushing through the darkness I was currently experiencing. Someone sent me those signs.

Then, I was given a LITERAL sign. Once I calmed myself enough to start driving again, I left the gas station and turned around, headed back in the direction of my house. My mind was spinning over what had happened and I just kept thinking “I hear you. I see you. I got the message.” When I suddenly passed a giant illuminated sign in the middle of a field: “Jesus ❤️ you”

I am driving back in the exact road I drove on to end up at the gas station. The sign is on the OTHER side of the road, meaning I would have driven straight toward it on my way to the gas station. It was already after 10pm when I started my drive so it was dark the entire drive. I did not see that sign. That sign was not there in that field when I drove by the first time!

I’m not saying it instantly converted me to religion; I am still to this day unsure of what exactly I believe. However, it changed me. I still battle my depression but it has never gotten as bad as it was that day, not even after having my 3rd baby. I genuinely appreciated my time and love that I get from my children. They are why I am here. I don’t need any purpose other than them and I was told that that night.

No matter how down you get or how bad things seem, always have Faith. Whatever it is that you believe in, just keep your faith. ❤️

*The song that randomly played that night is called “Reach” by Rachel West. It is a beautiful song that I still turn on when I’m feeling extra blue. “Reach” became a powerful affirmation word for me that I keep around to see on the daily.