Poe 'Vices

Introducing Poe ‘Vices: Life Advice You Definitely Didn’t Ask For or Need.

From chaos gremlin to cosmic counsellor, Poe (The infinite, scream-Beam) is now solving your deepest problems with her signature style: shouting, biting things, and chicken, obvs. Fools.

New column every Friday.

Send your questions. Regret nothing. Eat the chickens.

#CatAdvice #QueerCats #UnderlandChronicles #ChickenTherapy #PoeVices #TheKittyChronicles #Poedivine

RE: Everybody's a #loser. Except me. I'm a secret genius

Dear Poe,

I’m deeply troubled by the state of modern politics. Specifically: HOW MUCH DID KAMALA HARRIS PAY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN FOR HIS POOR PERFORMANCE DURING HER CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT?,” Trump wrote. “WHY DID HE ACCEPT THAT MONEY IF HE IS SUCH A FAN OF HERS? ISN’T THAT A MAJOR AND ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTION? WHAT ABOUT BEYONCÉ? …AND HOW MUCH WENT TO OPRAH, AND BONO??? Are we just pretending campaign finance laws don’t exist now?? Please advise.

—Tangerined off in the Tampa

Dear RE: Everybody's a #loser. Except me. I'm a secret genius

Oh you is, sweetsheart.

’Luded but sweet like giblets. I likes thems.

First I tells you what bes is happenings, then I gives you ‘vices.

You is speariencing Category 5 Brain Spirals. It happen me too sometimes.

BUT I IZ CAT SO IT ALL BE OK.

But yous... well. Yous got a whole country in your chicken shed. Big problems fors you. But you shoulds have be thinkings about thats one befores you gots jealous of the Obamas. HA! Who #losers now? How much is the eggs? How many peoples you drops off in the wrong places? Huh? AND YOUS DON'T EVENS HAVES A DOG.

Yes I knows who yous is. You 'finitely not geniusis or secret. Thiugh I thinks lots. Many peoples with yous was secret. Or quiets maybe.

First, Mr Cwiminal. Bruce Springsteen? Is actuallys five raccoons in a denim jacket. I don't likes the denims—not squigy 'nough—but he good with the voices. So, fives be is better than one, right? You can’t sue raccoons. I checkedid it. Chicken Lips and Lizard Hips. Toos bads for yous.

Beyonce? She cannots be bought. (Only maybe... with chickens.) She is a celestial event. Like 'clipse. Or solar sneeze. Very rare.

Oprah? Please. She be big hologram powered by billionaire tears. Not even edible.

Bono?

No.

He owes me chickens. And got them drunk. Drunk Chicken / America. I don’t be do talk 'bout Bono.

BUT HERE BE THE THINGS:

It might be ‘illegalis’ but when the ‘resident of the Un-United States is a gigantic ’riminal, there be no lawsis now.

Only vibes. And waffles.

So:

Sit down. Shut the fucks up.

Maybe worry about your own emails.

Maybe sits in dark room 'til the caps lock wears off.

And you not be orange no mores?

Would be good for everyone.

And eat chickens.

Not the drunk ones.

You don’t need any more yellowy substances insides of yous.

In facts yous illegals. You shoulds be in the prisons. Bites me.

I, mez (Poe), right.

Right?

Until democracies is returnedsis or the treats arrive ('ever comsis first)

Poe

📧 Send me more confusions: [email protected]

ALso PPS:

🍗 Buy Poes (mez) a Chickens. Pleez

New products is out nows (Akela Jean now my (me Poe) marketings manager. She can be grammars betters the mez (Poe).

Mah Catdentials

I HAVE The THOUGHTS. Lots of dems. Thoughts I means. And I has a mantra. Wanna see?

🍗 Chickin be love.

🍗 Chicken be life.

🍗 The floor is be lava, ‘less it has de crumbsis.

🍗 If you stare into the void, the void will offer snacks. Hi snacks. Iz Mez.

Mamma says I’z “a lot.”

But what she dunna understand me. I iz a lot but not allot like she saysis it.

I am emotions. I am velocities. I am the echo of a scream inside a cupboard. And I dos stuff toos. Lots of stuffs.

Likes:

💥 Running. Just… running. Coz.

💥 Biting the air. It be toughs. Basteward.

💥 Licking things that definitely aren’t food but might be spiritually food.

💥 Climbing curtains like they insulted my ancestors.

💥 Sitting on the laptop coz iz warm and I iz cold. De end

💥 Also: I have never once completed a thought. I leaves them ’round house like tiny emotional landmines. POE-POOM!

Anyway I love you.

Wait. No.

WAIT.

I hearts CHICKENs.

OKAY BYE.

No.

Wait.

Donate me. Yeah chickens!