Poe 'Vices

Introducing Poe ‘Vices: Life Advice You Definitely Didn’t Ask For or Need.

From chaos gremlin to cosmic counsellor, Poe (The infinite, scream-Beam) is now solving your deepest problems with her signature style: shouting, biting things, and chicken, obvs. Fools.

New column every Friday.

Send your questions. Regret nothing. Eat the chickens.

#CatAdvice #QueerCats #UnderlandChronicles #ChickenTherapy #PoeVices #TheKittyChronicles #Poedivine

RE: Left Behind for a 'zine That Doesn’t Even Have Scratch’n’Sniff. Apawlled.

Dear Poe,

My lodgers just published a zine and now they’re acting like they invented literature. I tried to talk to them about the scrooches but they told me they’re “emotionally fragile” right now. What should I do?

Yours in some other place you don't know. Could never know.

Poe-plies:

Dear Yours in some other place you don't know. Could never know.

Ha well first is first.

Hello Akela. I knows it be uses coz i LIVES HERES TOO.

i SEENS IT.

But you coulds just be talkings to mez (Poe) 'stead of bopping mez (Poe) in der face or hissings ant my innocents chickens.

So you want 'vices.

I gives you 'vices.

The lodgers be doing editors nows

so what yous got to do is deals with it. Right?

Am I rights?

Like thinks abouts it.

Where you thinks your whineloguesis go?

Zine.

Mowglis Poe-ms?

zine.

And of course, most of the importantly.

My Vices.

You see patterns...Huh?

Zine.

So you be rights (a little bits...buts I only be do saying it here. Nowehere elses) Yup siree. They are be 'motionally fucked. But, here the goods nungent.

'motionally fucked meansis more chickens and more sausageees. Coz guilt. Ha! Momma one she likes supreme 'atholic in other life (likes popes or somethings). She guiltys 'bout everythings and then when she feel bads. She cooksis. And then she feedsis everthings. All the things.

You has to understand that they not gods or nothings, in facts they barely moisturisdid. Which mean. No more than one things. And then when no more than one things...time the screams.

Activatsis the guilt.

Voila. Voilee.

Chickens.

Here’s what you do:

Nothings. Just shuts the fucks up and then we alls wins.

Then WE EAT CHICKENS.

(They won't sees it coz they busy crysing into word 'ocumentsis.)

I, mez (Poe) right. Right?

~ Mez (Poe)

Uncanonised but Correct

Chicken-Blood Typesetter

No Notes

📧 Send me more confusions: [email protected]

ALso PPS:

🍗 Buy Poes (mez) a Chickens. Pleez

And, alsos, I has new products special for Akela. You knows you wantsis it. You can pay in chickens share. But I acceptssis sausagees toos... No?

PSS You can reads the zines here:

Mah Catdentials

I HAVE The THOUGHTS. Lots of dems. Thoughts I means. And I has a mantra. Wanna see?

🍗 Chickin be love.

🍗 Chicken be life.

🍗 The floor is be lava, ‘less it has de crumbsis.

🍗 If you stare into the void, the void will offer snacks. Hi snacks. Iz Mez.

Mamma says I’z “a lot.”

But what she dunna understand me. I iz a lot but not allot like she saysis it.

I am emotions. I am velocities. I am the echo of a scream inside a cupboard. And I dos stuff toos. Lots of stuffs.

Likes:

💥 Running. Just… running. Coz.

💥 Biting the air. It be toughs. Basteward.

💥 Licking things that definitely aren’t food but might be spiritually food.

💥 Climbing curtains like they insulted my ancestors.

💥 Sitting on the laptop coz iz warm and I iz cold. De end

💥 Also: I have never once completed a thought. I leaves them ’round house like tiny emotional landmines. POE-POOM!

Anyway I love you.

Wait. No.

WAIT.

I hearts CHICKENs.

OKAY BYE.

No.

Wait.

Donate me. Yeah chickens!