Poe 'Vices

Introducing Poe ‘Vices: Life Advice You Definitely Didn’t Ask For or Need.

From chaos gremlin to cosmic counsellor, Poe (The infinite, scream-Beam) is now solving your deepest problems with her signature style: shouting, biting things, and chicken, obvs. Fools.

New column every Friday.

Send your questions. Regret nothing. Eat the chickens.

#CatAdvice #QueerCats #UnderlandChronicles #ChickenTherapy #PoeVices #TheKittyChronicles #Poedivine

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RE: The Woke Pope Has Eyebrows and an Agenda,

Dear Poe,

The world is ending. Again.And there was smoke.

I waited. Chewing on dry biscuits for comfort. I am devastated. They’ve only gone and made an American the Pope. An American? Robert Prevost. Sorry, Pope Leo XIV (as if Roman numerals will fool anyone). Chicago-born, Latin America-lurking, woke-as-the-altar-boys Pope.

He literally started his papacy by saying “peace be with you.” Peace, Poe. Not brimstone. Not hellfire. Peace. I nearly choked on my rosary.

And get this: the man’s an Augustinian. You know, like… books, justice, probably owns a guitar and pretends to play it. He ran missions in Peru, advocates for Venezuelan migrants, and has a soft spot for "humanitarian causes." We don’t need more do-gooders. We need laws. And scripture. Scripture that I have read, and I alone understand the true meaning of God’s word.

He said he wants “unity.”

Poe. Unity.

We need schism, smiting, and the end of liturgical dancing. We need order. And, the worst part? Even his annointed eyebrows are dignified. Dare I say manicured. That’s how you know he’s dangerous.

Tell me, Poe. How do I confess my seething rage when even the confessional feels progressive now? What next oat milk instead of holy water?, Sandlewood for incense. To hell with it. Why doesn’t he just don a rainbow cape? Bake sugar cookies for the unholy masses?

Do I flee? Do I stage a crusade? The woke agenda is taking over the world and we shall all perish with it.

Yours in highly-caffeinated despair, Traditional and Trembling in Tallahassee.

Poe-plies:

Dear RE Traditional and Trembling in Tallahassee,

Hmmmm.

This be bigs news.

I sees the smokes and I thinks ha! Pigeons be do BBQ.

Disappointing.

Just pope. Meh.

Wait tho’.

Wait an ickle minutes.

He name hiself after big cats?

Kings of the universes.

Wooooah.

Sounds to me like he got 'iorities all rights.

All laid is out in a biscuits line readys for eatings.

Big ones goes first.

Now that be order. No?

And you ates the dried up biscueits during the ‘clave?

What that be penance for??

He 'merican.

Yous should’ve made use like a sloppy Joes or somethings.

Or hamsburger.

I likes hamsburgers. Not like chickens, but theys ok.

You knows—for changes.

And changes be goods. Sometimes.

Not all the times though. BUT SOME TIMES.

Oh waits tho.

‘A’go has pizzas no?

Should be do pizza.

Cheese be good. Not chickens but it’s ok.

Mamma says mez (Poe) can’t haves the chickens all of the times.

I don’t be do agree but it is whats it iz.

So. Cheese. Pizza. Yes.

Peaces not so bad.

It be goods for nappings.

When there be do noice—no nappings.

And no nappings be bad.

Very bad.

You ever had no napping times? Ew.

Though I ‘grees little bits with the eyebrowsis.

Pfft. I knews a cat like that once.

Very polites.

But I watched hims.

He ate a whole worm. No even blinking.

Come thinks of it—Mowgli got eyebrowsis like that too.

And he a twat.

So maybe uses be right.

Or maybe Mowgli be Popes in humans legs?

Ha! I asks him laters.

But my Trad—here be the things.

The 'rusades.

They be bads.

I was theres the first time.

Should’ve seens it.

Bloods and heads alls overs the places.

They not about the biscuits, my friendsis.

They means.

You thinks yous can handles thats??

HA!

You’s having a turkey.

You’s having meltydown ‘bout a wokey popey. 😹😹😹😹😹

Because mez (Poe Underlands), I’z say dis:

Maybes bit of no schisms be goods.

Right?

Likes lions in charges of the churches now?

And mez thinks that sounds like a goods fing.

No?

So here be what it isis you should bes doings:

Buy robe. Velvet ones.

Coz velvets be softs and also when you puts claws into its you makes like colours.

Yep. Coloursis.

It good for passing times when you waitings for the mammas to cooks the dinners.

Then—

Paint chicken gold.

And ride it into Mass.

THE CLUCKSMOBILE.

No??

And afters you can haves holy oat milks.

Woke milk be goods for digestions and stuffs.

Cows better milks than oats but it’s ok.

Breathes.

It just milks.

And den—den—only den do you EAT the CHICKENS.

As be tradition.

As be sacred.

As be divine.

Yums.

May eyeliner of Saint Lucy protects your visions ands your chickens,

Poe,

Gothsis of the Clothsis

Uncanoniseded but Undefeateds 🐾

📧 Send me more confusions: [email protected]

PS And I has new products...Ranges do be expandings coz some popesiz be wokesis. Capitalismsis. No?

This 'vices was be 'riginally published on my mommasis blogs. Wait no. Mys (Poe) blogsis. HA. Heres: