Pause and Reflect

“I don’t feel like myself. I don’t think I have for a while.” I wrote in my notes app as I prepared for a discussion with my family doctor on August 24th, 2020.

I knew what a bout of depression felt like, but I had never experienced anything like this. I cried. I cried a lot – usually at night when the distractions subsided, and I was left alone with nothing but silence and my thoughts. I remember feeling numb more than anything. I was empty. I lived my days as a shell of myself.

I’d log in at 8:58 am or around 9:34 am if I didn’t have a meeting first thing in the morning. I would look forward to a nap at lunch and maybe another one (just a quick one, I would tell myself) again after my day was done. The naps usually lasted longer than intended. Often my teeth and hair would go unbrushed.

I knew something was wrong. I was getting by doing the bare minimum and I didn’t have the energy or mental capacity to do anything above my only two priorities: not letting my dog starve and not getting fired.

I wasn’t the most involved kid in high school. With that said, I was able to find opportunities to exercise my creativity with information technology class and yearbook committee. This led me to cultivate an interest in photography, where I elected to take some optional classes on the subject. I could spend hours getting the perfect macro shot and even more time editing the photo to my liking. As I pursued my education in healthcare and started to build my resume, the hobby faded.

At the end of August 2020, I was 3.5 years into my career in public health. I had overwhelming imposter syndrome, a mountain of self-doubt, and feelings of unfulfillment no matter the task. I didn’t have any particular hobbies outside of the odd downward dog or hike with friends. I was stuck.

Working from home this past spring and summer ultimately stripped me of my so-called “identity” as a working professional in the downtown core of a major metropolitan area. When I examined it, my job was just that to me – a job. It was okay, but it didn’t particularly excite me or spring me out of bed in the morning. Even if others told me so, I didn’t feel good at it.

Unknowingly, I had been living with undiagnosed mental illness heightened by situational factors and recent events. Before this year, I would have classified myself as a sensitive person who always just sort of 'got by'. But, frankly that’s all I had known. I had also become familiar with the repercussions of the trauma that stemmed from an abusive relationship that ended a year prior.

My self-confidence and self-worth were at an all-time low. This is ultimately how I found myself in a dark place late last summer. That, among the stress and financial strain of my pug having life-saving surgery at the end of May.

So, I got help. I was fortunate to be able to take some time off and drive across the country to live in my hometown for a couple of months. I was granted the mental capacity to dedicate time to explore how I had been feeling. I had a lot of tough conversations that I didn’t think I had the strength to have. I had sought therapy in the past but never felt like it was the right fit. This time I found professionals I could connect with and who had the tools I needed for my situation.

My eyes started watering the second my car left the driveway of my childhood home in late October for the journey back to the big city. I was not only leaving a physical place of comfort, but I understood the amount of personal work and introspection that was in front of me. Though I had begun the process of recovery, I knew that it was going to be something I would have to continuously cultivate and maintain.

The year 2020 allowed me not only to pause but to reflect. Like a slingshot, I had to pull back to move forward. It may have taken some time, but I have progressed far more than I would have otherwise. With a clear mind and a new set of values (if I’m honest, the old set never truly existed), I was able to set meaningful intentions for 2021.

The cornerstone of my 2021 intentions revolves around getting creative again and following the breadcrumbs of my curiosity. If something interests me, I intend to take a step forward and try it. I used to think that I needed a lot of extra time to dedicate to a craft I wanted to pursue. False. I also thought that I needed to have natural talent or skills to move forward. False again.

Part of my intention is to simply start - whether that be doing some research, downloading a particular program, or signing up for an event. The intent is to find things that I enjoy spending my time doing - things that make time fly by. It’s about giving my curiosity the time of day. In the past, competing priorities, time, and self-doubt would have stopped me.

I’ve already embarked on a couple of interests and small projects that have me looking forward to pursuing even if I end up abandoning them come to the end of the year.

I’m so glad I held on to the last bit of strength I had to see what was on the other side of my pain. Five months later, I can say that I’m starting the feel like myself again.

Oh, and guess what. I quit that job.

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