Pain

Anyone who has chronic pain knows that it changes your life. It’s not just when the pain is throbbing or stabbing either; even in times of relief the memory of pain and the knowledge that it’ll be back invades the mind.

My pain has been in my back. It has two ailments. One seems to be common, nerves being pinched by the vertebrates in the neck. The second is that for seemingly no reason the muscles in my back get strained and pulled. My lifestyle had much to do with the creation of my back pain. In the absence of a car I walked approximately twenty five miles a week to work. My job was cleaning and sanitizing a hospital which included a lot of mopping. I also carried twenty to thirty pounds of groceries home on my back. I do not like to ask people for rides to places I can walk to. If I would’ve invested in better shoes; well who knows. In February of 2020 on my husband’s birthday I almost died. Mostly because I ignored my kidney problem. That was the end of a job that I really liked and a big change of my lifestyle.

I am a 57 year old woman struggling not to stay in the painless confines of a comfortable chair. God willing I will win. I am winning, I am walking and fighting through the pain to accomplish chores. I can’t get down when I consider how good I have it compared to others. If I lived in many other countries, even in poor parts of our country I would be struggling to eat. My inability to work also has to do with me being on dialysis. Again if I was in another place or time I would be dead.

I used to jog around the streets of my suburban neighborhood. I ran in the early morning hours when most of the neighborhood was asleep. Running was never easy for me and I was never proficient at it but I loved the feeling of being fit. Down Noble st., over Front st., down School lane and back up Noble st. is a mile. All the streets are uphill or downhill which made running a challenge. At about the middle of the mile, on top of a hill is a green light on a pole. It didn’t matter to me that it was halfway through my run, it meant that I had conquered the biggest hill on the route. It was a goal that at times seemed unattainable. My brain had to hold me in good form, keep my breathing steady, and tell me to ignore my heart seemingly beating out of my ears and chest. Use my arms, ignore the straining of my calves and make my thighs and butt do the work. My calves always try to take over.

Today as I walked up the hill and reached the green light I thought about my past runs. At first I was depressed remembering what I used to be able to do. After a few steps it struck me that I had not been thankful back then. I didn’t appreciate my health. Older people had told me to be thankful for your health. I never thought about it, life got in the way. Most people never think about it until it’s gone. I have told my kids but I doubt they give it a second thought. I decided that instead of lamenting the past I am going to be very grateful for everybody and everything that I have now. I do have hope of going back to work and jogging again. A kidney transplant will alleviate some of my issues. My back pain has been somewhat handled by the burning of some of the nerves in my back and the physical therapy that I received. Walking definitely helps and some medicine from the pain doctor. I am down to one pill for the nerve damage and a pill for when the muscles get too bad. There is an option now to get a medical marijuana card. I tried it with no relief. I am surprised at how many younger people have the card. I don’t remember being in that much pain in my twenties and thirties. Except for monthly cramps. Lol