No More Censoring My $#!@

So, did a global pandemic and the threat of apocalypse catapult anyone else into an early-onset midlife crisis?

No? Just me?

It was around April 5th, 2020, when a friend in a text-chain commented how different their life had been the past few weeks during a global shut down.

...and I realized, my daily life had barely changed at all.

I went into college in the early 2000s, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to go out in the world and champion fair trade and promote social justice and equal rights and rise in the ranks of the United Nations.

But when I graduated, I promptly got married, settled in my hometown, and had several kids, most of them on purpose.

Don’t get me wrong; I regret NONE of that. The last ten or so years of my life, however, have been decisions made for my wonderful family. It’s not that I don’t have a say. It’s just that the decisions needed to be the most practical options:

• Childcare for three kids born in four years is more costly than working at a non-profit or political internship can justify.

• Maybe I won’t post that politically charged Facebook post that I really want to just in case I ever need to work for a more conservative company in the future. Actually, that probably goes for the tattoos or piercings, as well.

• I probably shouldn’t share *just* how liberal I actually am to most of my Midwest neighbors and mom-friends, just to “keep the peace.”

• Will my little pride flag at our mailbox hurt my husband’s career as a teacher in a Catholic school?

• I think this little start-up creative enterprise I am working on will need to get put on hold or scrapped because I just can’t put the time into it while also being home with my kids and a few other people’s.

Being a stay at home mom is wonderful. It really, truly is. I completely recognize the privilege we have been able to exercise while making one income work for our family of five.

And it isn’t that being home with my kids is not fulfilling. It is. Just...not when it is at the expense of every. other. part. of my identity. I clearly have not been as successful as other amazing women at finding that magic word we all strive for: BALANCE.

So, my fellow Apocalypse Survivors, my 2021 Fresh Start Pledge is this:

• I am DONE censoring myself. No more making my beliefs and convictions more palatable for those around me, in this red county or in conservative extended families. No more passing over what I want to wear in favor of the typical Mom Uniform of middle America. Oh, and I am putting up that pride flag, dammit, and not just a little one.

• It’s time to use my BRAIN! I am ready to dust off all my SAT vocabulary words and work them back into my conversation. This should (hopefully) provide some of that glorious balance to the amount of “potty words” and knock knock jokes I am exposed to on a regular basis. I am ready to devote time to a career, to show my kids just how bad-ass their mom can be.

• And this last one, friends, this last one is the hardest. My city is growing and beautiful and so rich and full of history. It has served us well. But...I think it is getting to be time to move on. I want to experience new places and people. I want my *kids* to experience new places and people. It is time for growth. I would love to live somewhere were I was considered conservative, can you imagine?

2021 will be a year of big changes for everyone. What a wonderful opportunity we have had to make 2020’s lemons into lemonade. All that extra time for reflection and growth and personal assessment was a hidden blessing in the dumpster fire that was the past year.

So, let’s go. We’ve got this. Let’s forge ahead and all be better.

...I mean, how could 2021 possibly be worse than 2020...right?