New and Overwhelmed

After about thirty minutes of scrolling through Vocal, I am starting to remember why in the past I would leave and maybe take a nap instead, or go back to Netflix or YouTube. There is SO MUCH content here. There is so much content EVERYWHERE for that matter. There are so many political opinions, “how to's”, "top five's", or "why the latest movie was awful" or "amazing". What do I write about? What is MY story? WHAT DO I HAVE TO SHARE?!?!

I'm sure if I give it another thirty minutes I'll finally find what I'm looking for. Some inspiration, someone further down the road I'm traveling, or at least a good laugh. And I intend to resume that search. But as I try to breathe through my anxiety, I realize I'm not just overwhelmed because I'm new to Vocal, or blogging in general, but I am in the middle of so much change in my life that EVERYTHING seems like too much. Heck, making my bed some days seems like too much! Sorry mom... (insert angelic smile here).

But as I think of it, I realize the reason everything feels like too much, is because MUCH has happened. In the last two years, I lost one of my best friends, lost the guy I thought I would marry, I lost my energy for day to day activities, I lost my web series I was working on, I lost my entertainment connections I had built, had two sexual assault experiences, and now that I write this all out, no wonder I had to start seeing a therapist!

But some of the change, the "much" that is happening is purposeful, but not any less stressful. As of December 2019, I have semi-retired from an eleven year career as a licensed massage therapist. I am single but have chosen to remain so. And FINALLY this year, I am moving from the Midwest to LA in the summer. Because of the move, I am parting with possessions I have had with me my whole adult life and counting the days I have left with the few close friends I have here. This big life move is because I'm now in my 30s, and I am either brave enough or stupid enough to say "Hi I'm Riley, and I am a freelance filmmaker!" How do you make that kind of a career switch?... No, I'm seriously asking you, how DO you make that kind of a career switch when you are about a DECADE behind the average person in the entertainment industry?!

And now with the coronavirus breakout, more changes have happened. I, as a freelancer, have to find a different source of income. And just as I finally gained my energy back, got rid of furniture in anticipation for my move, and just as I started accumulating a nice savings for my transition in life, I now have to stay home...with no other money except my moving money…

So here I am on Vocal...looking for someone who has struggled with a big move in pursuit of not just a dream, but a CALLING. I look for those that write about making films or "giants they have slain". Or if nothing else, I look for a story that makes me smile and laugh away the pressure building in my chest. But there is… SO. MUCH. CONTENT. There is no group for film. There is no section for funny stories. I struggle to find what I am looking for. And I panic. What do I have to say? Am I stupid for even trying?

… I suddenly know what I want to say. I guess what I’m feeling today...that’s my story. My first story to share into the ether of the interwebs...

I am new...and I am overwhelmed. And voicing all of this...I finally feel the tension in my chest subside, and now I can breathe again.

I guess sometimes the help you need isn't from what someone else can tell you, or the story or joke they share. It's from the freedom to be honest about how you feel. And this is how I feel today. I am new...new to film, new to blogging, new to content creation, and I am OVERWHELMED.

***If anyone reading this feels or has felt the same way, feel free to hit me up. We can be new and overwhelmed, AND move forward together :)… also “Hi! I’m Riley, and I am a freelance filmmaker!”