My Untold Story

It started off at a tattoo expo in Honolulu, Hawaii, two years ago. I was there with my friends, checking out the different tattoos and different artists. I didn’t have any tattoos at the time, but I was thinking of getting one while I was there.

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Unlike most people, I knew what my first tattoo was going to be—a semicolon. I loved the meaning behind the symbol, and really related to it. It was like this symbol needed to be a part of me. It had to be a part of me, because at the time, I was dealing with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

It was extremely terrible, and scary. There were times where I felt like I was going to die because I couldn’t breathe. My throat would tighten, and it felt like my heart would be beating a hundred times per minute. During these anxiety attacks, I wouldn’t know what to do. I would run outside of my apartment building, sit on the sidewalk and curl up into a ball. Crying. Screaming. Gasping for air. I felt so helpless and so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I was literally in a position where absolutely no one could help me. It was at that time, at 28 years old, when I realized I couldn’t live like this anymore. I had the mindset that if these attacks and my depression wasn’t going to go away, I needed to end everything myself.

One night, after a string of unfortunate events that happened, I decided to take a drive up the hill from where I lived; just to clear my mind and try to calm down from the major anxiety attack that I was having. The drive, the slow jams blaring from the car radio, the moonlight and night sky did nothing to help ease my pain or stop my crying. As I was driving, I pulled over at the overpass, and put my car in park.

I sat in my car crying, bawling, screaming. I looked at the overpass and saw all the cars driving under it. The thought, “If I were to jump off right now, maybe I’d be fortunate enough to land on a car...,” popped into my head. Immediately after came the thought, “...Or better yet, maybe I should just drive my car off the overpass.”

I sat in my car, breathing heavily with tears rolling down my face, contemplating on how to end my life. But then, like a saving grace, the “what ifs” came into play. “What if I jump? What would happen to my mom and sisters?” “What if I die right now, but things were to get better? I wouldn’t be able to find out what happens next.” “What if I jump and end it right now? I won’t get to travel the world, or be there for my sister’s college graduation. I won’t be able to start my own family...”

My own family. That’s one thing that I really want in life. I want to get married, have a family, and raise my children in the best way I possibly can. I can’t do that if I’m not here...

I wipe the tears from my face and begin to pray. I ask God to give me guidance to stay on the right path, and hope that everything will get better. I put the car in drive, and drive home.

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After visiting all the tattoo booths and checking out the artists’ work, I decided to get my first tattoo—the semicolon and the cross. If you don’t know, the semicolon represents solidarity and awareness for anyone dealing with mental health issues. In my terms, it means, “suicide prevention.” According to the founder of Project Semicolon, Amy Bleuel, the meaning behind the symbol is, “A semicolon represents a sentence the author could've ended but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.” I felt that given the circumstances I dealt with, and the fact that I enjoy writing, the semicolon tattoo was a perfect option for me. As for the cross, the cross symbolizes “hope” or “Jesus.” With those two symbols together, the tattoo is a reminder that Jesus is my hope and saviour through the difficult times.

Now whenever I look at my tattoo, I feel a bit of peace. It’s a reminder that life will get better eventually. It’s a reminder that I get to meet my future children and my future husband someday. It’s also a reminder of the night that I chose not to end my story, and to continue fighting on to the next chapter.