My Toxic Relationship

I was going to write a blog post about all of the bad things that happened to me in my last relationship. All of the nasty, toxic things that made me feel like nothing.

I then decided against that. I decided I would rather explain how I felt during the relationship, how it was processing all of my emotions afterwards, and how I found peace on the other side.

To start, I was in a toxic relationship for 3.5 years. It turned me into a person I never thought I would become and that was a very emotionally taxing thing to deal with during and afterwards. I was made to feel as if emotionally and mentally I was damaged goods. He praised my body and how I looked physically but my mind was constantly scrutinized. I felt like something was wrong with me, like I was defective. He made me feel nobody could love me the way that I was and I should be so thankful to be receiving any kind of love from him.

Over a period of about two weeks I slowly started to realise just how unhappy I was and how much I disliked the person I was becoming with him. I decided to leave once and for all, forever. I decided it was time to cut ties with all of the memories, good and bad, and all of the people I would probably miss. I loved his family and it would be like losing a support system as well as this toxic bond I had formed with him.

I remember the week or two after the breakup I didn’t really have an appetite. I didn’t miss the relationship if I’m being honest, I didn’t really miss him either. I missed the fun we had together but towards the end even that was a rare occurrence. I was struggling so much with the fact that I allowed myself to be treated that way. I was devastated that I had allowed myself to push away all of my friends and family that loved me and cared about me so much. It felt as though I had to start over with all of them. Realistically, they were all patiently, some not so patiently, waiting for me to end the relationship and get back to my happy, bubbly self. It was such a difficult thing to sort through mentally and emotionally that I just went numb for a while.

When you go through something like that, especially when you already have low self confidence, self esteem and self worth, you end up with none at all. I was so confused about my life, and about my future. It was such a massive struggle to realize that I was worth something. Someone would find me important, special, and beautiful inside and out. I didn’t want to be close to anyone at that time. I pushed a lot of people away immediately after the breakup because I still didn’t know how to function. I’m so incredibly thankful for my friends that were there for me during that time.They lifted me up and told me that this was the beginning of something great. I could do what I wanted now and not be judged for it. I could go on vacation with my mom and not have to ask permission. I could have dinner with friends and not be texted every 5 minutes about coming home. I could do whatever I wanted with my hair, makeup and clothes. I could go on adventures whenever and wherever I wanted, I had no limitations.

It’s been about a year since that relationship ended and literally within the last couple of months this all hit me. It finally hit me that even in my current relationship I can do whatever I want. I remember shortly after I started dating my boyfriend I was texting my best friend about him. I was saying all of the things I could do, how sweet he was and how he was so considerate. There were some things I was so excited about like how I didn’t get yelled at for sleeping too much, or hanging out with my mom. Her response was “I understand that you’re excited about this but I want you to remember that is basic human respect”. This was honestly the perfect response for me. She wanted to make sure that I didn’t settle just because my last relationship had lowered my expectations so much. My worth was more than my low expectations.

One thing I learned from being in such a terrible environment for so long is that it is hard to leave when you feel that you’ve invested so much time into a person, but it isn’t impossible. And let me tell you, it is so worth it when you know they are not the right one for you. I used to think that I didn’t want to start over because I was “already 24” and I didn’t have much time left. Bullshit. Excuse my language. Really though, screw timelines and screw expectations. Make sure you are with someone that lets you be yourself, someone that encourages you to grow and become the person you are meant to be. Not the person that they want you to be.

I have to say, I am so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend. He has been so patient with me, so supportive and so compassionate throughout our relationship. He doesn’t let me get away with the unhealthy behaviors and reactions I had learned from my last relationship and he helps me communicate my needs and feelings in a healthy way. He makes sure I am taking care of myself, he makes sure he does things for me that make me feel special, and he makes me feel like I am worth something. I am still building myself up, and that’s been an incredibly hard process. I know I would be able to do it on my own, however having him by my side as I figure myself out and build myself back up has been absolutely amazing.

Even still to this day I am still learning what a healthy relationship is like. It takes time. Especially when there is trauma, abuse, and control in your past. It will take time. Be patient with yourself, as difficult as that may be. Lean on those that are closest to you for support. Let them help you, let them show you that they are there for you. Read books that may help you, do things that make you happy, check stuff off of your bucket list. Take your life back. Everything happens for a reason. Even the bad.