My Reflection and Apology…To ME!

Healing can come in many constructive ways! It can be wondrous or dark. It can come though a company of friends or being alone. How one approach it is up to them. I am a woman of many stories to tell, but none could be as powerful than the letter I’ve written to myself.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, I took time to reflect on a lot of things. One thing I have never done was to forgive myself. So finally, I’ve decided to write a letter of reflection and apology…. To ME! I wrote this August 20, 2020:

“If I could go back and meet the past version of myself, I would make peace with her. I would give her a huge hug, hold her, take her by the hands and say the following:

‘Michelle, I want to say to you that I am so sorry!

I apologize for not appreciating YOU enough! I have not fought for you as I should have and accepted whatever people deemed that was right for you! I am sorry for the hurt, scorn, and lies that were spoken to you! I allowed you to be treated all types of ways without setting boundaries.

Some treated you as a backup or second choice and I accepted it as a way of life. I allowed you to pour your all into those who could've care less. I didn't allow you to think for yourself but took what was said as truth. Your self-esteem was broken to the point you couldn’t see the value that was in YOU. I didn't love YOU enough. I know some things you went through were out of your control and because of it, bad decisions were made.

As a result, you lashed out and did things to inflict pain just to allow others to feel the pain you felt. All you wanted was a beautiful life but because it took detours, turns, and shortcuts, it filled you with regrets, depression, and thoughts of suicide. Many didn't know it at the time because you kept it in with the smile on your face!

I know I cannot go back and correct the mess that I've allowed in your life! There were time I wished I could … BUT I can make YOU this promise. You will shine and you will laugh! You will experience that peace again. Pieces of your life will fall in place again. You will love again and joy will come to the overflow. You will progress beyond what you could've ever imagine! You will break generational curse, form better habits, and come to know yourself better.

You will succeed and grow. You will become wiser, stronger, and know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Some people had to leave your life for a reason but some will come in and catapult you into greatness. Yes, mistakes will still be made but you will correct them and they will make you wiser. You will learn to think on your own, go against the grain at times, and stand on your belief steadfastly.

So baby girl, the tears you've cried secretly were just liquid prayers offered. In fact, they were never ignored! So yes, life will become abundant, healthy, and beautiful again. I will say that I see life for you in the present and the future. Let me tell you this, when you look back at those hard times, it will be all worth it all. So we're gonna take the losses and forget them. We're going to move on and do the work to prepare for the gains and blessings that are coming our way!

Love you always,

Michelle aka ME!!’”