My Quest for Freedom

It took me quite some time to get here. Here meaning being content with myself. Don't get me wrong I still have a few more twists, hurdles, and buried sh*t to dig through but I have confidence I will persevere.

For me revisiting painful memories and calling myself out on my own BS isn't easy. It's like climbing a mountain out of shape or getting your first bikini wax; painful to the highest degree. However, with each level, I made it through even though sometimes I had to revisit the pain as healing is not linear. Every layer uncovered something else and led to yet another thing. Screaming "I quit" or "F this sh*t" became a normal part of my vocabulary. Anxiety, points of depression, angry spurts, and cry fests are rough and unfortunately, come with the territory of purging. The joy of spiritual healing at its finest.

A year later, multiple fetal positions and hair pulling I'm still on this ride. The difference is it's not as overwhelming as the earlier stages. I'm beginning to finally accept myself while slowly eradicating my own self-inflicting box.

I was looking for freedom in all the wrong places

As a child, I daydreamed a lot. I saw my life as this peaceful loving place. I had things I wanted to accomplish but then the realities of life hit. My surroundings; friends, family, etc., all had a hand in molding me into everything but what my soul truly desired. A shell and facade of what was best and acceptable for society. A stifling box of doing what they wanted and never what my soul resonated with. A place of stagnation and boredom. A vicious circle of never-ending complacency.

Relationships that I thought I needed were ones built based on their needs, rules, and regulations. I had the notion that they could be what I deserved but instead, I got breathing versions of the opposite. A tug-of-war between nurturing love and narcissistic undertones with a dash of manipulative ploys. I attracted extentions and chains of how I already felt; unlovable, unworthy, and only deserving of the bare minimum. I wanted to break free and would plead for them to change and do better, this just led to more of what I had and eventually bitter heartbreaks.

I realized I was searching for love from people who had no love for themselves and that lack of love amplified the parts I was so insecure about. I was so self-critical and critical of others and those I associated with did the same exact thing. I wanted them to change but the question that lingered was:

"Why hadn't I taken the stance to first change myself?"

Who am I to shove the "you need to treat me better and do better" if I was not doing that for me?

...and like a light bulb on a July afternoon in 2020, the question hit me "Who am I and what has my life become?"

The Shift

I realized last year (2020) that I couldn't go on like that, I couldn't continue to allow this kind of life for myself. So I started working my way backward and purging my outdated thinking, researching, discovering, and had breakdowns that were more than I could count or endure. I went within to find out why I wasn't moving. I reevaluated my upbringing, my core beliefs, and values. I released the blanketed facade and transmuted. I've changed the color of my inner compass to reflect the autonomy of who I truly am and I will continue to do so with confidence, love, valor, and determination.

Shifting isn't easy but is needed for growth. We have to release the leaves and branches as well as reroot when needed. Stagnant roots only putrate and cause decay; a place I felt I was in for so long.

Moreover, as we grow we find new footing and new growth, we gain more knowledge, self-governing action, and a sense of freedom to be authentic. We become more than who we were while taking the purest forms to create a new life.

So, as I sit here filling in the gaps of the words that were typed almost two years ago I find comfort in knowing that I am finally at a place of confidence, acceptance, and love for who I am. And I am damn proud of how far I've come!

Until next time readers...

For more about my story and emotional wellness tips check out my site House of AASH, the Authentic, Ability, to Strengthen and Heal.