Raw Autonomy

Our lives are inadvertently shaped by guardians, teachers, friends, relatives, and life experiences or so we think. We go about life feeling like we have to adhere to these unwritten guidelines of life. A life with social norms and undocumented rules in order to proceed and be accepted by the outside world. A mix of coworkers, peers, significant others, and family. We are taught to sit up straight, never correct someone in authority, work a 9-5, and be married before the grey hairs begin to take notice; the list goes on. We mindlessly go along for decades with the same structures but who are we to question? Who are we to challenge what has been so precisely laid out for us?

I've spent most of my life as a conscious and unconscious walking facade. Everywhere I went and everything I did felt off. I felt like an alien who was dropped on this planet left to fend for themselves. A place for most of my life that did not feel like home. A place where the oddball out got you labeled as "less than", "weird", or "unimportant". A place where tears are meant for the weak, emotions are unbecoming and vulnerability was the plague. Everything I was or tried to be was scrutinized, ridiculed, or diminished. My intensity for feeling or as most so eloquently put it "being too sensitive" was not accepted.

I became numb and suppressed my feelings while simultaneously silencing my voice. A shadow, someone who would rather avoid the attention, someone who questioned her day-to-day life as if the world would crucify me if I chose "wrong". It wasn't necessarily about the tasks but the whole-hearted acceptance from those who surrounded me. It was the constant need to be wanted, to be loved, and not torn down at every waking turn. I yearned for the reciprocation but always ended with tears, anger, and depression. I screamed feeling as if no one would ever understand or take the time to hear my inner turmoil.

It wasn't until about a year ago that I realized it wasn't the world that was not accepting of me, but my lack of acceptance for myself.

The realization

I could go back and give you the bullet points of my upbringing, relationship woes, and career debacles but let's make that an epic story for another time.

Let's start in the heat of 2020 a few months into the pandemic and right after I felt my world shift into depletion. A low period was an understatement. The old tale of heartbreak but not just any heartbreak; this one dug its claws into my chest, my heart, and my soul. I was left with agony; a depletion of self-worth, a catastrophic realization that I was absolutely the epitome of nothing. Until a little voice, or as I like to put it, inner lyric spoke to me, "who are you?".

Of course, one could question my sanity, as being in my 40's having a meltdown on a bathroom floor over a man I have never physically laid eyes on would probably constitute a psych ward admission. Unfortunately at that time, my heart did not listen to reason.

Anyway, this led me through a never-ending search for who I am. I questioned so much of my life; past, present, and future. I wondered why I made choices that always left me in grief or the constant search to fill a gap, mainly in the realm of love. It pushed me to go further within, discovering how I suppressed hidden emotions, traumas, and put rose petals over the things that hurt me. I justified and catered to so many aspects: Love and relationships, career and goals, dreams and aspirations, and even basic human interaction. I was a shell or rather a drone to everyone that played a role in my life. I let those around me control, dictate, use, and berate me, but where was I, my true self? Where did my sense of autonomy go and my fight to live according to me?

I felt knots in my stomach as the reality of knowing I have lost myself in this rabbit hole of societal norms, self-destruction, and codependency was intensely growing. I felt a horrible shift that I did not want to acknowledge but knew I had to in order to free myself from my self-inflicted cage.

I spent the next few months trying to get answers as to why I was the way that I was. Why I couldn't speak freely and say what I was feeling or thinking? Why I shied away from setting boundaries and letting my life be guided like a puppet on strings? What was this hold that I have allowed to consume me? After countless research, partial book reads, and Facebook group experiences I stumbled upon a very compassionate individual, now mentor. She gave me some hard truths that I needed to work on, one of which was clearing my throat chakra, and like magic, the new formation of my journey emerged.

Now let me clear my throat

I began expressing myself, the pent-up emotions of suffocation, fear, and abandonment. The experiences of my life from childhood to that degrading day on my bathroom floor, I share it all! Not necessarily to grow followers, but to release what has been holding me back. An expression of vulnerability without the care of what anyone thought and it feels amazing!

"Your own self-realization is the greatest service you can render the world." -Ramana Maharshi

I have shared my inner lyrics for almost a year now through podcasts, Instagram posts, YouTube rants, poetry flow, and articles through various blog platforms. I continuously share what empowers me, moments of revelation, what makes me sad, address feelings that boil inside, and little by little I've gained confidence by speaking my soul's truth. A journey of healing myself turned into unintentional influence. This opened a new door, an introduction to understanding and accepting that having feelings, emotions, and being vulnerable in public is actually ok. It also opened the doors to my newfound or rather rediscovered love of writing. Definitely one of my better methods of truly clearing my throat chakra and helping me move forward as I heal.

Autonomous Influence

People have told me they love my "transparency" and have expressed that they can relate. I get thank you's for simply expressing how I feel as I feel it, a reference I use all the time. My rawness may come across as unorthodox or blunt but I'm tired of not saying things because of how it may be perceived and, quite frankly, biting my tongue hurts. I want natural human emotion to be looked at as normal not shameful. I want to inspire those like-minded souls who feel small in their personal world to step out of their boxes and express themselves freely. I've realized that being who I am challenges those around me, and sometimes I get the backlash of naysayers and people that would rather I shut up, but never again will I silence myself. Never again will I become complacent and settle for a box.

My goal is to continue to write about my life without the rose-colored glasses. I want people to look at social media and see there are relatable individuals such as myself who are not necessarily rich, have the fliest clothes, and the biggest kicker, do not have it all together but are damn sure trying.

We are all perfectly imperfect and normalizing this concept is what I plan to do. I want to utilize my gift of writing and unorthodox motivational speaking to inspire, uplift, and encourage those who just want to feel whole within themselves and to break free of things that no longer serve them.

Yes, it's scary and it's a lot of internal work, believe me, I am still afraid. However, I refuse to quit and by continuing to live unapologetically, expressing who I am through creative verbiage, and simply being me, I want to show the world that true individuality and autonomy are attainable. We just have to be courageous enough to stand in our own power and live.

"With great power, comes great responsibility" -Spider-man/Stan Lee