My Journey to Truly Understanding Love

As a young person i would have said that LOVE was what one felt toward their Mother, Father, and Siblings, but I came from a pretty dysfunctional family and I wouldn't wish that love on anyone. It took me seven years away from my family before I could tell my partner that I loved them, because every time the word was about to come out of my mouth I thought of my father, whom I'd been told to parrot the words "I love you" to, even though I'd never heard them from him. I had to relearn the world LOVE under a non-familial context. I had to "learn" how to love again. After those seven years of relearning, I looked up definitions of the word: "A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person," YES, if that was love, then I sincerely felt it for my then partner of seven years. How about "a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend."? Well, I loved my mother, and though Jay and I didn't really get along very well at the time, I was fond of my brother, but again that "family love" got stuck in my throat when it came to my dad. I finally came to realize that, at that time in my life, "love takes time", and I was learning that I had to separate the idea of "familial love" and "non familial love". Once I made that distinction I could vocalize that I loved the person that I'd decided to share my life's journey with, my partner, and over time I realized that I could love other people too. That there were different kinds of love. I found out that the more I loved people, the more those old definitions of love fell away

Over time, as I grew on my spiritual path, I realized that LOVE took on new meanings. I learned that we see the world through the filters of personal experiences, of others' expectations, of how we feel at the moment. These filters were hampering my ability to see the world as it really was. My spiritual growth required me to "unblind" myself from these filters and see the world as it truly was, in all of its immediacy, depth, and beauty. In doing this I came to realize that each person in this world is exactly where they need to be, at this point in time in their lives. Whatever I might have thought of them, or what they might have done, they were still a person on their path in life, and deserved to be loved regardless. When I removed these filters life puts on my eyes, I saw love all around me in the world. I saw love in the wonder of nature, and the beauty of the world. I saw love in the smallest kindnesses of people's interactions, I saw love in the thoughtfulness and tenderness we show to our partners. I started to truly see LOVE all around me. I saw that I could love a person, even though I didn't love the choices they had made in their lives. It was then that I realized that we are all exactly where we need to be in our paths. That the paths each of us are on, are necessary for us to grow in our spirituality. We all have lessons to learn, and in learning them we slowly grow in love. In the end, I realized that LOVE is THE most important word to learn in one's life. That true LOVE is the final hurdle on my spiritual life's path. I learned that slowly, every one of life's "filters" could be removed, if I took the time to see things as they truly are. As those filters began to fall away, I realized that LOVE is the most important spiritual value I could hope for. That to finally see the world through the "eyes of love" was to see the world as it truly was. To see the world through the eyes of love was the ability to truly see God in the world.

The last filter I need to remove happens to be the FIRST one that was put in place in my life. I feel I've removed all the other ones already. This last filter is the hardest one. It's the filter that I see my father through. It's glued on so firmly to my eyes, that even at the age of 61 the glue still holds pretty firmly, but the more I examine it, the more I see there are chinks in the glue—that it's not as stuck as it once was. Each day I pry a little bit more of those bits and pieces away, and even as I write this, and discuss my father with friends and family, I see a tiny bit of movement in that last filter. I'm not perfect, I think I may always be a "work in progress," but I'm working on that last filter. I'm working on learning to LOVE my father. I've forgiven so many people in my life and family and embraced LOVE for them. I'm nearing that convergent point in my life where God waits. I can already begin to make out true outlines of the world around me from the edges of that last filter. I think I will have completed my spiritual path when I have learned enough to finally clear off the last bits of glue from this last filter. I'm very apprehensive about it.

I think, I'm almost to the point where I can LOVE my father.