My Brain Exploded

My brain exploded.

It was August 28, 2019 and my brain exploded. I can’t think of a better way to describe it. I was suddenly engulfed in this tidal wave of ideas, goals and plans for the future. Finally, at thirty-seven years old I knew what my life’s ambition would be, what my career goals were and what my purpose was – to change the world.

Sudden motivation and inspiration lead to several thoughts; I MUST make my mark on the world, I HAVE to help people who have had the same struggles. I would be a voice for ALL of them. For all the little girls who feel like they don’t have a voice, for all the teenage girls who feel they are not enough, for all the young woman who feel they can never be TRULY loved – only used and abused. I would be a voice for all the outcasts, who feel like they don’t belong. So that they know someone cares, someone is listening.

Inner dialogue:

“Brilliant!

This is amazing stuff! Oh my gosh! I am going to help so many people!

So many thoughts… so MANY. What to do with them? Where to start? How do I take action ... NOW? I can’t get this off the ground alone, I am going to need help. Surely, my closest family and friends will be as passionate about this as I am, see what brilliant plans these are - & they will be 'all hands on deck!'

So I am going to write everyone an email. All of them. Pour it all out on page and they will certainly see what needs to be done. They will see my call to action and be motivated and we will start right away.”

Eight hours later.

1. Business plan and objectives typed up

2. Lengthy email prefacing it all

3. Assurance that I have ALL of the answers to life's biggest questions

"Check!"

Mental check-in: I have a history of anxiety and depression. My mother is bipolar. It is irresponsible not to take an evaluation of what is really …. NOPE! I am good. Annnnd, Send!

[INSERT: 'Cricket Ambiance' Here]

Yep, I did it. I ‘Jerry MacGuired’ all of my family, friends and even some co-workers. With a personal vendetta, a mission statement. "Not a memo … a mission statement" (quote from JM). And nothing, no one was coming with me.

Well one to two people slash animals, like Jerry. My 'Dorothy' was my oldest and closest friend, Luke. I mean duh, I could always count on him. We have the same beliefs in most aspects. And my goldfish, that I kind of gave no other choice and plucked right out of bowl myself, my niece Kirst. Because she was right there, and available.

I mean I can’t really blame anyone. If I were them, I would have maybe opened that email with a 'what-the-hell' expression. Thought to myself,

"Oh ... here we go! Rach is at it again with some crazy ideas. Let’s give her some time to just sit with it, or wear out. Her wishy washy persona will never see this through. She’ll get bored with it and more on to the next thing."

But I didn’t.

I was hooked. I started to every single podcast, audiobook I could find - of entrepreneurs who have done and are doing this; actively working to serve others on an intimate level. Taking the smallest steps and strides to ultimately change our world.

And most of these people have come from very humble beginnings. They started out not knowing what the heck they were doing. Also me! Anthony Robbins, Dean Graziosi, Rachel Hollis, Ruth Soukup - they have all built multiple six and seven figure businesses on the foundation that they want to improve the lives of others.

So why not me?

I had these ideas and somewhat of a plan, but the problem wasn’t that no one wanted to help me. The problem was me. The problem was, like I mentioned, I have mental illness – among other issues – that I hadn't worked through yet. Fear, self-doubt, and general anxiety put up all the usual barriers. And they were NOT going down without a fight.

You see, you guys, we can not help others until we help ourselves. I know its cliché. Tony Robbins has had to of said this a gazillion times and in a gazillion different ways. We must dig deep and figure out, what’s really going on.

You can't help anyone, until you're willing to help yourself. The only way that we break down these barriers, is telling ourselves and showing ourselves that we ARE worthy. That we CAN REALLY do ANYTHING that we put our minds to.

I definitely thought that I was unworthy. Throughout my elementary and high school years I didn't only think, but knew - without a doubt - that I was dumb. I was a C-average student ... at best.

I barely passed eight grade ... for real. I have an image, in my brain, of that final report card. There may have been a couple Cs, but mostly Ds.

I was in an environment that I absolutely COULD NOT thrive in. I did not have the tools to succeed.

Like most of us, (that had to learn in a much different structure than that of today's school system) I was made to feel as though there was only one way to do things. And if you didn't 'get' those systems - you were pretty much doomed.

(But hey, I digress. This is a whole other topic, for a different day. Another blog shall follow.)

Anyway, point is ... my thoughts were constantly swarming with negativity;

- You can’t do this,

- You're not smart enough,

- You’ll just give up

- You can’t even maintain a healthy body and physique. You really think you can build an empire, or that people are going to trust and follow you?

And where, pray tell … does this negativity stem from?

Well, A few places come to mind.

There are of course the obvious - Insecurities ... small child within ... coping with past demons. Blah, blah, blah.

This is all absolutely true, but you see I have been working on all of that recently.

I have another inner dialogue that says;

Wait a minute!

No! I don’t do this.

I don’t doubt ... I CAN DO ANYTHING!

I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

(I imagine I am dressed like the poster lady, for the “We Can Do It” women’s moment, from World War II. Blue coveralls, red handkerchief ... the whole bit.)

But there is outer dialogue here as well. I grew up in the mid-west. Where still, to this day ... in 2020 (not 1950) - women have no place, no voice to become their own person.

I live in middle America, central Illinois to be precise.

(I know, I know. We have awful politicians running things locally. A painted history of corruption from our governors.

It's, whatever. I have learned to be ok with it, you should to.)

Anyhow girls here, are brought up to marry young, have babies, play nice with all the other moms and to just be happy about it. You do this, because this is your place this is your lot for life.

I didn’t fit this mold from the very beginning.

I want to clarify that this idealism didn’t come from my parents, or direct upbringing.

My parents had a very indirect parental approach, in which I was told repeatedly to "do what makes me happy."

Then what the hell am I complaining about, you ask?

Here me out.

This idea of 'marry young, be a mother and just be happy' is the culture.

It is almost like a peer pressure that has masked itself into something that looks to be positive. And it doesn’t come directly from my circle of friends either.

It’s a whole community that knows everyone’s business, loves to gossip and views red-headed liberal feminists (such as myself) as; tragic, sad and depressing.

Folks 'round here, definitely don’t want their daughters to be like me.

And "Jesus Take the Wheel", should they have a son that marries a women like me! (Shout out to my girl, Carrie Underwood).

Sadly, this may be the reason that I am separated from my husband, with an impending divorce. My idea of wanting more for myself, for my children, clashes with my husband's of steady, mild contentment.

The truth is my marriage wasn’t too bad.

I had a man with a steady job that just wanted to take care of his family. He is a wonderful father and provider. He was (is) completely happy with the way things are ... forever.

He will go to his day job, day in and day out. The same place, for the next 20-30 years, until he retires. We have a ranch-style home in central Illinois with a huge yard and right around the corner from his mom and sister.

And this should have all just made me content, for the rest of my life. What more could I possibly want in life?

Turns out ... a whole lot more.

I am a country girl, with a love of urban life. Who says you can't have it all?

I have just opened my first, of more to come, e-commerce businesses; A rustic-chic jewelry boutique. How fitting!

Soon, I will be opening a second, which will be a gallery of my photography that I have been taking over the years.

This is just the beginning.

You see, I have been held up for the last year. Ever since I sent that email, last August. I started spinning stories, telling myself that I couldn't do it.

This was my uncontrolled mental health issues getting in the way, again.

But now, I have worked much of that out. I still have a ways to go, but at least now I am able to tell myself that I can do this - I can be unstoppable.

My point, in all of this, is to ultimately reach other people and let them know that they are capable of the same.

You can get yourself, out of the depths of despair and negativity. It is all inside of you. All of that potential, is in you.

The reason you may or may not succeed in life has nothing to do with other people. Yes there are those of us who want to help you get the resources and information, and at a much faster pace than we did.

But the ONLY person, who can take that step towards improvement ... is you.

Quit playing the 'blame game'. Because I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that is just inner struggle surfacing.

I know, because I have lived it.

My brain didn't explode August 28, 2019. I just found my voice.