I'm not stupid.

My palms are sweaty. My heart is pounding. Roughly 30 pairs of eyes (that of my peers) glaring at me.

[Inner dialogue]

It feels really stuffy in here. I do NOT like this!

Why do we have to go through this ridiculous ritual?

Everyone in here already knows how dumb I am.

Can't you just hand me the stupid card and be done with it?

This was a constant, persistent situation for me - in my formative years.

Fifth through eight grade, to be precise. In writing this, currently, roughly 25-30 years later ... I still get those same butterflies in my stomach.

I get anxiety, still, like I did EVERY day for those four years. In a place, that only brought me struggle, angst and embarrassment - day in and day out.

(Right. Lets's get to it.

Rip the band-aid.

Expose the wound.

Move on.)

The scenario I started with, was the ritual of receiving our report cards. Every quarter, on the day that the reports were issued, the principle comes to each and every classroom - to deliver the report cards, herself.

Did she just drop them off, hand them to the homeroom teacher and walk back out?

Absolutely not.

(I should probably mention here, this is Catholic School - circa mid-1990s. This is the type of school with it's own set of rules. The type that your parents even paid a hefty tuition for.)

Nope.

Mrs. Matter (This name has been changed. You know, to keep things kosher & whatnot) would stand and the front of the class, stack of report cards in her thick hands. Then she would call each student up individually.

Did she just hand it to you and you be on your merry way?

NO!

She would open up the card and review it with you, again ... in front of the whole class.

Now, she didn't state each grade individually out loud ... but she would point to EACH and EVERY grade listed and give you an approving, or disapproving, look for each.

(Ummmmm ... can we say control freak much?!?)

As I have mentioned before, I wasn't a great student. So, mine were pretty much all disapproving looks.

It has taken me years, to reassure myself that I am not only an intelligent person - but a person who is worthy of great things. That I truly have the potential to make something of myself.

After grade school, I went on to high school (Like most of us. But I say this because, when I say I barely passed eighth grade ... I BARELY passed eighth grade.

Mrs. Matter did NOT approve of that report card!)

In high school, I was a bit more successful. I started off well, I received 'Honorable Mention' - a few times, on the official 'Honor Roll'.

[Can I just take a minute to say something here, about the honor roll system?

I mean ... I get it.

I know what it's like to be a proud parent.

I'll even let you keep your bumper stickers saying that you are the 'Proud Parent of an Honor Student at such and such School'.

But, can we take a minute to think about the other students? And how shitty this parade might make them feel?

I'm not saying, lets not show our children that this is a great accomplishment. But lets think of other ways, to award various types of accomplishment.

For example, many early athletics hand out participation awards now.

Many people roll their eyes at this. A majority of these people, might be the parents of those kids more 'gifted' at sports, than some of the others.

The participation award is more than a ritualistic celebration of mediocrity.

It is not just some trinket to make all the kids feel important. Because athletics, in early childhood, is more than teaching a kid a sport.

It's teaching our kids to be part of a team, to follow direction, invoke positivity, coordination and even the importance of moving our bodies.

Bringing this back to academics ... let's make everyone feel smart in their own way. Because we ARE. We just need to find out what we are passionate about and we WILL thrive.

So let's help our kids, get a 'leg up' in life, early on.

My point is, a "straight-A" report card doesn't necessarily make you smart or a good person.

I have met many accomplished scholars in my day - who when you really get to know them, are ignorant and horrible people. I have also known many people who have a high school education, and are some of the most intelligent people to hold a conversation with - and are genuinely kind.

Let's make ALL kids, feel as though they are worthy of great things - even if they don't have a perfect report card.)

Ok back to the story, so high school - I did mediocre work, made 'honorable mention' (a fluke - I would tell myself).

Toward the end of my high school career, all of my closest friends had college ambitions. So I should too ... I guess?

I mean a college degree is the ONLY way to be successful. Right?

That's what was just 'beat into my head' the past four years of high school,

so ...

And off to college we go!

In August 1999 I started school at Lincoln College, a local junior college.

Because, though I was able to pass my senior year with a much better average than that of eighth grade, my C-average combined with an A.C.T. score of 17 (OUCH! - that one hurt to admit, openly) I was not considered to be an 'academic elitist'.

I could not even gain acceptance into state school. So, I was definitely NOT feeling worthy yet.

I graduated Lincoln College with a 3.9 GPA, high honors and a member of Phi Theta Kappa - international honor society of two-year colleges.

Do I tell you this to impress you?

No. (And for clarification, please refer back to my blurb about the honor system).

I tell you this because my point is, I still didn't feel as though I had any sort of intelligence. I mean its only junior college after all ... right?

Well, yes.

But ultimately, I did the work. I didn't 'coast'.

I put in effort. Reading comprehension doesn't come easily to me. I read and re-read until I know it. I am not a 'sponge' either. I do not sit in lectures and absorb the knowledge.

It HAS to be reiterated to me.

Even if I know, with 100% certainty, the right answer ... my self-doubt and imposter syndrome always manifests.

After Lincoln College I had my pick of some pretty great schools. Even though they still want to see your A.C.T. and high school transcripts, in order to accept you; the work I did at Lincoln College was able to verify that I could do coursework, at the college level, 'successfully.'

This is my problem with the school system, especially when it comes to 'gaining acceptance' into college; all that weight and decision, based on a standardized test.

For many of us, even coming out of high school, we DON'T know what kind of learner we are. (Yes - there are different types).

Like I said, I don't retain information well from listening to others teach it.

I also don't retain well from just reading the information once, or even a few times.

I am a kinesthetic (hands-on) learner. I learn by actively doing something, getting my hands dirty or physically incorporating a task into my day-to-day.

College didn't teach me that, though. Being in the workforce (for about five minutes) did.

Mainstream education, in my experience anyway, taught me that if I couldn't learn through lecture or reading ... I wasn't going anywhere in life.

This is why I thought I was stupid, for so many years.

(Well that, and the vivid memory of Mrs. Matter's disapproving looks always being stuck in my head.

As well as, those from ALL my other teachers from fifth thru eighth grade. These people almost enjoyed making a spectacle of kids like me.

I can remember it, vividly.

Eighth grade, literature class.

We had just take a quiz on the latest chapter of White Fang, we were supposed to have read.

Did I read it?

Yes ... ok some ... ok barely.

But I became so confused and distracted when reading something, especially something that had no interest to me. - I did not have the appreciation of great literary pieces, like I do now.

I failed the quiz.

Did I learn of this, in a quiet manner, when it was placed on my desk after they had been graded and handed?

Nope.

Mr ... Tetherland (we will call him), thought it would be 'fun' to state this aloud, while he was grading;

"Rachel Washam, if you don't start ACTUALLY reading this book, I'll see to it that you are, during spring break!" (Spring break being just around the corner at the time).

The entire class, still in the room, during this sudden outburst.

What purpose did this serve?

I mean ... other than traumatizing a child. So much so, that it left a deeply imbedded scar.

Let me also add, I am not telling this in an attempt to throw some long-awaited pitty-party.

While writing and publishing this story is very therapeutic, my purpose is much less self-serving.

On the contrary, I hope to reach others who feel - or have felt - the same as I did/do.

If I help just one person, it is all worth it.

My story of academic achievement, after leaving Lincoln College, can pretty much be summed up in one word: misguided.

I made a pretty silly decision, after LC, to go to Loyola University Chicago. I had dreamed of moving to Chicago, or New York, for years. I felt a connection with the urban lifestyle - and as though I truly thrived there.

My decision, was based on desire - not practicality.

Not only the desire to live within a more diverse culture, in a place that made me happy - but a desire to prove myself.

I thought receiving my degree from Loyola would finally prove that I am worthy. I am intelligent.

My college career, at Loyola, was short lived.

Basically, in choosing an elite school based on passion - I also chose one I couldn't afford.

When I was unable to come up with the tuition costs, I had to drop out.

I could have gone to Illinois State University (ISU), for next to nothing. But it didn't serve the desires and ambitions I had for myself.

To prove myself.

Nor was it far enough away from my demons (of feeling unworthy) that I had not yet addressed.

So ... in a nutshell, I joined the workforce.

It started with a fulltime time job, serving at the Olive Garden.

After five painful years, sowing my wild oats, and being miserable - I desired more of a challenge (because I wasn't tapping into that side of me that actually craved knowledge) I decided to take a stepping stone position, in healthcare.

Practical ... right?

(Ummm ... let me just say here, we are going to address my feelings on building a career in modern, mainstream healthcare within a later blog.)

But for me, this wasn't practical ... at all.

I started with a job, in a small private office, entering all the incoming revenue payments ...

[Inner dialogue]

Snarky self: O.M.G. Rachel, way to pick the most boring job, EVER!

My mind just went numb thinking about it. I had a brief mental lapse typing that!!!

Inner child: Ok, okay! I get it. I'm sorry. But eventually I (we) DID move on. Kind of the point of the ...

Hey! Why is there a long format for ok? I mean its just an 'O' and a ...

Snarky self: Oh my god! RAY - CHEL!

Inner child: Got it. Moving on.

So the data-entry job, didn't work for me.

"Hey how about a more hands-on career in healthcare... like nursing?

Only not really nursing, I can take a short route to ... (wait for it), Medial Assistant."

[Nine Months Later]

(No, not a baby.)

I am a Certified Medical Assitant!

And, seven years later...

I can NOT take this anymore!

How can grown women BE - THIS - CADDY.

We are supposed to be IN this work, to HELP people. Why are we fighting over who stole who's pen, or chair... or whatever!

Nope. Back to the drawing board.

I can make a difference on the actual healthcare system! I will finish my bachelor's degree in Healthcare Administration!

[Three years later]

B.A. in Healthcare Administration - check!

[Six months later]

... annnnd no one calls me back for ANY jobs.

Turns out, even within the most rural healthcare establishments, they like you to have a degree from an elite university.

Let me tell YOU something ... get over yourselves!

(Oh people, the blogs that are to follow ... )

So, I take a job with ... (wait for it), a health insurance company!

(You can shake your head here. It's ok.)

Ummm ... let me just say this,

if you have avoided a career in politics - in order to stay away from corruption - Do NOT go into health insurance, especially at the 'Corporate America' level. Maybe even healthcare, in general.

And this is not to say that there are not an abundance of amazing people working in healthcare, even within the health plans: they are true heroes. We NEED them, but we also need a system and government that supports them, properly.

But!

I say again, I digress. Different topic. Different day.

My point in telling my whole story, was to expose how 'round about' my journey was. How I came, full circle, back to what really makes me happy. I was so misguided and misdirected, in my early education.

I did not understand the tools and strengths I had, that could make me thrive.

How do I thrive? (Going back to the hands on thing ...) Creating.

- Creating content, through writing, and helping others get onto a more direct path towards self-actualization.

- Creating jewelry, to make women feel empowered, beautiful and comfortable with themselves.

- Creating photography that helps people see the beauty in the world, that is right in front of them.

Back to the topic of the education system, why can we not find a better way to;

- Genuinely mold young minds

- Encourage 'outside the box' thinkers

- And lift-up our young people who have a more 'creative' mentality

(To note, I know many amazing teachers. And these people deserve major awards, monetary gifts, something for the awesome work that they do. We have made strides.

For instance, my daughter has many of the similar struggles as I had. She has an I.E.P. and is in a great school. But, I still think that she would thrive more - if she could hone in on her strengths.

I am constantly trying to research ways to do this on a daily basis. So, much of my point is that we, as parents, should be doing our part to help our kids thrive. I am not putting all of this on the school systems.)

Now, in the modern-day field of design, are and creativity, there is an abundance of better resources right at our fingertips - than what was accessible in 1999.

But my initial instinct, for a career, coming out of high school was interior design. However, my intuition told me that I didn't have what it takes to build a career.

I could never be successful ... I would never be a Grace Adler (Will & Grace).

(A fictional character, but a representation of the type of person I wanted to become; attractive, confident ginger, living it up in the city, taking on the world! One design at a time!)

But I couldn't. I had no business. I was just the dumb, flawed student - who didn't read White Fang...

Therefore, I fail at life.

Snarky self: Bitch, please!

You are not suited for pitiful. That is an AWFUL look for you.

So fast forward to today. I completed my bachelor's degree, in healthcare administration, two years ago.

I graduated Magna-Cum-Laude.

This wasn't the real encouraging part, not to me anyway.

The encouraging part was that I did this, while I was working full-time. While being a mom of two.

This is not a unique story, many people do this day in and day out.

But through that experience, I learned that I CAN do hard things. The sky's the limit! Really!

I am building multiple businesses.

It is near impossible to focus on multiple large tasks, all at once. Mainly because you can't successfully implement anything, if your focus is spread over too many avenues.

But I am taking them one step at a time.

Sometimes I get off track, but I focus and reassess and ask myself;

What is my ultimate goal? Is the task I'm doing right now, serving that purpose?

Realignment ... back on track.

Someone, who may only know part of my story, might say that I wasted years of my life. I am not putting my education to use.

While, no, I am not pursuing a career in healthcare any longer; that is all because I finally honed into the part me that knows who I want to be - a creator. And I see much greater potential, down that path, because I am passionate about it and won't stop until I DO succeed.

I may stumble, or even crash and burn, but that is one more lesson under my belt - getting me to my ultimate goal.

They don't teach, How to pick yourself up after crashing and burning, in college folks. That's an invaluable lesson.

I am striving towards a career as a creator, who shares with other people; other people who are having the same struggle and are open to looking at a new perspective.

Now, imagine if in high school - or even younger - we are given this information and these tools to develop our true authentic self?

To discover our passion, mold it and utilize it in order to reach our fullest potential?

I'll tel you on thing, we would have a lot less people deep in student loan debt, miserable and unhappy, because they are unfulfilled in their day-to-day grind.

It's all out there, though.

The content is right at our finger tips ... in the inter-webs. Everyday people can utilize this information and it is a LOT more affordable than a college tuition.

These are not pyramid schemes or get-rich-quick tactics. These are genuine people that put together coursework, meant for everyday people like you and me - who strive and desire more!

Yes it is unconventional ... but many great ideas and systems are.

I am not a six, 0r seven, figure business owner - as of yet. But I will be.

- I KNOW this with absolute certainty because I have the resources to do so.

- I KNOW this because, I am NOT stupid.

- I KNOW this because I have done HARD things ... and will continue to knock them down, one at a time.

There, Mrs. Matter...

You DON'T matter. And your disapproval doesn't haunt me, anymore.

"How d'ya like them apples?"