My Anger and Me

Anger can make us rotten. It can turn our hearts stale. The longer it simmers inside of you, the more likely it is to stay. Like mold, it will grow and grow and grow. It will eat away at your soul. But anger is sometimes a way for us to protect ourselves. If I am angry, I can simply acknowledge it as anger instead of digging deeper to find why it really hurts. I can let the fire grow, instead of finding the source of the first flame. The first spark. Because sometimes that source is much harder to deal with. But it is often necessary. And learning to let our anger go creates a much more visible path for healing and growing.

At only 20 years old, I have spent much of my life being angry. Being bitter towards those who have done me wrong. Those who have hurt me. The situations I have been in. I used to be angry at the world. I used to take my anger out on those I loved. On those who loved me. I would lash out, and blow up. I hated it, but I couldn't control it. The walls feared my fists. Trees were victim to my bottled up emotions. My knuckles were no strangers to the colors black and blue. But that didn't help me. It only hurt. As time moved on, I realized I was not. I was staying stuck in the past with the very things that were making me feel these ways. How can one let go of anger if the roots are stuck by their side? You have to move on. But it is much easier said than done.

Many times we are often reminded of the things that make us feel the way we do. We see people who make us angry and resentful, and it only fuels the fire. We think about how past situations have affected us now, and it makes our blood boil. But dwelling on the past will keep us bitter and cold. It is so much more freeing to have a warm heart open to love and kindness, and even forgiveness.

There are a few things that helped me release my anger.

1. Realizing that it was not my fault. And if it was, I need to hold myself accountable. If someone has done something so horrible that it has made me so angry for so long, it was done because of their own insecurities or even lack of maturity. It often has nothing at all to do with me. And if whatever is making me angry was my fault, I must acknowledge that and learn from my mistakes.

2. Meditating. Meditating is still chanllenging for me, but it doesn't have to be the way it is portrayed in movies or in media. When I feel myself being reminded of my anger or how I used to feel, I breathe. I clear my mind. I think about where I am now vs where I was then. Meditating allows me to release not only anger, but often times anxiety, and even fear. Clearing the mind clears the soul.

3. Talking about it. Talking about my anger has allowed me to find out why I truly feel the way I do. It's hard to think about, because it often shows that there is more to deal with than just anger. Talking about it and digging deeper has showed me that there are issues in my friendships and relationships that need to be addressed which are causing strong emotions. Or that there are people who no longer have a place in my life. It has showed me my own insecurites that need focus. Speaking about anger can bring other things to light that have been hidden in the dark for so long.

4. Focusing on the good. Focusing on the positive aspects of my life and how much I have grown from what used to make me so angry allows me to let that anger go. There is so much good ahead of us. We just have to find it. Focus on what makes us happy and the things we love, and it will help us keep moving forward.

Being less angry has made me feel lighter. It has taken a weight off of my shoulders that I never knew could be removed. And while I know I have released much of my pent up anger, it is still a struggle to keep that feeling away. We are all learning every single day. Learning how to cope with our emotions. Learning that we don't have to bury them deep inside until it all comes flooding out. I am still dealing with my anger. I have a feeling that it doesn't ever fully go away. But I am learning to let things go. It is probably one of the most challenging things I have ever done. But also one of the most healing. Next on my list: learning to let go of the anger towards myself.