motivation : anger

1 -

so i don't write or use caps ***so yeah get use to that*** but i've been doing a lot of things lately that i use to say i didn't.

so yeah you uh liked that title, right? i mean you're here still reading this how do i know that cuz you're about to say "i just peed a little" ***ha you said it well the mental voice version of you you're using to read this said it - i know run on sentence, get use that too --- anyway s--- motivation:anger what's that? let's get into it --- before you take that leap i am not a motivational person by any means this is just my story and i want to write it down ---

soooo i hate camping i really need ya to heard me *** i hate camping but my boo loves it so you know - compromise. this particular camping experience we went to utah - the barracks to be exact. let me break it down --- the barracks is a trail that you hike for 14 miles to see something, camp overnight and then hike the 14 miles back. the first 6 miles i cried - i couldn't understand how people did this shit for fun but mostly i cried about how tired i fucking was. ***let's stop here i want to make something clear this is not going to be an inspirational story about how nature saved me or some shit like that - cuz fuck camping. --- k, cool let's proceed --- the last 5 miles were tough and eventually we called the other half of our group who were already at the campsite to pick us up - we were not completing the trail.

^^^contextual info is needed here - i do not like the person i am about to write about below, while they have many attributes that i dislike let me tell you about one specifically. have you ever met an inconsiderate person? and just being around them makes your skin crawl? okay think of that person and continue.

these types of trails require large backpacks - there's 3 people in my group and we are about to get into a small ass hatchback - i was happy to see the car and ready to throw my pack in the back and sit my ass down for the last 3 miles to camp. once i got closer to the car i saw said person ^^^ hop from the front seat into the back seat and something in my brain cracked and i mean cracked. i was so angry, for one why is that person even here, only one person needs to drive and secondly that person never thought hey maybe i should stay at camp so these guys have some fucking room in the car. ***yeah i know - fuck them, right! i am livid, i already don't want to be doing this hike in the first place, i'm exhausted and i just want to sit down comfortably but i can't because now i have to share a backseat with 3 people not 2 - so i kept walking and finished the trail. my anger pushed me against the wall in a chock hold and called me a pussy but hey she helped me finish something that i would of otherwise gave up on.

2 -

okay, cool story bro ***thank you, bitch!

but yes i know - why the story? that was just the first time i noticed that anger can be used for production not destruction, and yes i mean to say production, the production of follow-thru which only leads to the belief in myself which i am starting to gain and why i'm writing this.

***story time again - i know so soon you're welcome.

for years i have been talking about getting a side hustle going and the problem is i am just talk - constantly researching classes/schools to see where i can learn a new trade but i could never pull the trigger - like ever. i am a person who has settled with content/mediocracy - gross i know, to say it to write it, gross - but i am. i have always relied heavily on what i think is natural talent and some skill to get me thru life - i have a fear of my dreams. this is all true.

as the universe would have it - my current 9-5 seems to have found me dishonest in tracking my work and time during quarantine which has resulted in disciplinary actions against me - at this time i have no idea how severe these actions will be but one can imagine either write-up or fired but who know's you know :) while my manager video conferenced me to tell me about said allegations i stared at the video image in front of me in disbelief. while my job can be filled with mundane daily tasks i actually do enjoy it, so to have this person that i have worked with for 5 years, who knows me and more importantly knows my work ethic, to actually question it has really crushed me --- like no it really it did --- it brought me straight back to the first time i ever felt depression, and i ain't ashamed to say it depression scares the shit out me, but that's a story for another time. it also made me feel anger and lots of it i am angry and i remain angry - mostly because i have allowed someone to change my emotions based on their actions - i have let someone control me and i can't - like i just can't so i smoked a bowl. after i smoked i began an internal conversation with myself - no, let me rephrase that my anger took my brain hostage from me and put me on auto-pilot and said listen here bitch, "if you're so maaaadddd, then why don't you do something about it?" my anger was playing chicken with me. she told me "if you're angry that's your problem - so what are you going to do to change how you feel? because the only thing you can control are your actions/feelings." the thug in me had to flex and respond with i won't have these motherfuckers fucking with my emotions - period ***yes, this really happened in my brain and i know its just a manifestation of everything my mother has ever told me and yeah i was also very high.

that same night i signed up for a design course - one of the many i researched but could never commit to. i made a $1000 investment on myself, let me say that again, investment in myself. god that sounds nice. i am starting this new venture and i will create into something tangible that will take me away from the chained situation i am in with work. i want to be free to work how i want and where i want and i fucking took my first step. am i scared? yeah i'm terrified but i already jumped in and that's half the work.

so go on and do what you've always wanted to do and use your anger if you have to, you beautiful bitch :)

love you...