Mom's Closet

The other day, my mom cleaned out my old closet at her house to make room for a built in desk so she has a nice place to continue working remotely. She packed up everything that I left there and she drove it to the town I live in. I knew I didn't need all of those old things. We met in the Home Depot parking lot and I moved all of those old things to my boyfriend's truck. I spread it all out on his living room floor and I started picking through all of the old, painful, sometimes joyful parts of my life. These are the things that I learned.

1. Somewhere, in my soul, there is a gypsy girl. I realized that over the past few years, nothing has really been permanent. Even now, I am sitting in the place I call "home" and there is room full of things in my dad's house that I could live without. One day, I just packed a bag and went and never really thought twice. Each time I have moved, I just kind of packed a little bit of stuff and left the rest behind. Physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual things.

2. I never fill up journals. I found (SERIOUSLY) 15, half full journals. Random thoughts scribbled down, silly moments that weighed so much when I wrote them down, sprawls of anger, anxious love stories that I thought would last forever. Writing has always been an outlet, and even a passion, for me. I remember even as a kid being so excited to write papers or run from the bus stop to my little middle school diary. As I grew older though, I came to a place where I was afraid of my own thoughts, or my emotions would feel too heavy for my pen. I would abandon whichever journal and favorite pen I had been holding dear for months. Even now, my latest pages have sat empty for months.

3. Everything in my life has taught me something. Even the really ugly things. I opened a box that was full of things from my desk at a job I previously held. I left that job defeated. Opening that box only reminded me of all the days I spent absolutely exhausted and run down sitting at that desk. I pulled out 3 things from the box and threw the rest in the dumpster with no second thought. However, there have been one million second thoughts since the last day I sat at that desk. Everything I do in my current job, everything I plan for my future jobs, and how I lead people when I am given the opportunity is a reflection of what I learned and how I was treated when I called that little, no window having space my "home" for 9 hours everyday (and let's be honest, into the weekends and most evenings as well).

4. Peace only comes when you welcome it. I found an old iPhone in one of the boxes. It was last used 4 years ago. I excitedly charged it up and searched for old pictures and sweet messages from my friends (the last time I used that phone was in a very pivotal and memorable time in my life, so much was changing so quickly). The last message was from a toxic in person in my life at the time and everything came rushing back. The self doubt, the striving to please them, the manipulation. Even over the past few days, I have once more waded through all of that. I realized that, even though I spoke peace and well wishes to that person, I offered forgiveness and apologies all in one breath when I finally had the courage to walk away...I never actually opened the door for peace to come in. So, while I sat in the back room panicking, I talked myself down and walked to the kitchen and I found my sweetie pie making us sweet potato fries in the air- fryer that we call "ours". Peace is here, I have to welcome it.

Life is fleeting, but it is so vast all at the same time. There is so much to learn and see. We get the beautiful chance to hold all of these things and moments and people in our hands as we walk this life. What we do with all of these moments and all of these things we get to learn and experience is up to us. Learn when you need to, let go when you have to, and don't leave all of your life lessons in the closet at your mom's house.