Mission Spread Love Not COVID (A Letter To Get You Through These Tough Times)

Dear World,

My dream is a better world.

Isn't this what everyone wants after all?

But…how?

Well, let's just say that my overall mission to spread kindness during these dark times isn't some incredible feat. I have not the billions it would take to help the billions of affected. I possess none of the tools to wound a broken heart. I'm but sixteen years old. I must know nothing, right? Well...maybe not, but what I do know is that I what we all can do is try. We can try to mend ourselves and others during this insane era we're stuck in and I'm trying my best simply by writing this letter to you. I personally believe that one act of kindness can lead to many more...so here is my little letter to all those in need. I have a dream that it inspires...I really do because I know we all need it...so, here it goes:

It’s now been nearly two years since the pandemic hit us hard and sometimes it might feel like we’re going insane...staying up all night staring at walls, talking to our dogs, crying for no reason (to our dogs...), stressing out over nothing and everything all at once...running in circles...listening to loud music just to stop thinking to stop being anxious for a minute...spraying ourselves with tilex...I thought it was just me and if you think it’s just you...it’s not...everyone is going a bit insane and it’s just incredibly stressful. I have a dream that some day it'll come to an end and I bet you do too because the harshest thing about it all is that we all have our own problems to deal with already. This can really beat us down and lead to us seeing the bad in everything, especially when it comes to ourselves. We get mad at ourselves if we’re not able to do things that are just...so unrealistic. I have a dream that this'll come to an end yet I myself know I've felt the same way to no avail, endlessly wishing I could live up to someone who just quite blatantly wasn't me, nor who I deep inside truly wanted to be.

I remember before the pandemic I still wasn’t happy...I was mad...so paranoid because of annoying issues I didn’t understand and hadn’t yet been addressed and really beating myself down about it, trying to fix myself...I ended up doing even more damage and causing even more problems for myself...sound familiar? I dream it didn't, but such pain is truthfully faced by so many, including you as well. Just face it. You constantly don't feel enough. It may be because you’ve done something of the sort as well...if you’ve ever really wanted something for yourself...and all your hard work for it just got you nowhere and even in the opposite direction you wanted to be in...I understand you. I dream none of us felt this way, but I understand you and so does virtually everybody else. But truth be told, there are always going to be roadblocks...just don’t be so hard on yourself about it...you’ll be fine, I promise. It will get better. It will. I dream it will but that's a dream that soon will become reality, but only if we recognize the things we must first. For me that meant recognizing that anxiety is my biggest roadblock...freaking out over every setback...every flaw...just...EVERYTHING. It’s absolutely DEBILITATING and lately my mind has wandered off to the past way too often...about that year where those negative comments turned me into...a different person...in a bad way. I was so disturbed a year ago because those...rude people attend the school where, as soon as I was vaccinated I’d attend too (which eventually became reality). I wanted to change schools or places more than EVER BEFORE...please mom! Get the application! I wished and wished for this to happen each and every day for so very long until it finally did. I got saved after attending that school for only a little over two weeks. But the truth is we can’t just run away from all our problems. To dream is to be and dreaming of a brighter, sunnier future while simply running away from the rain will never work out in the end. One must find a solution to their problems after recognizing them.

Once again, I’m a very anxious person...on top of that list of hundreds of THOUSANDS of things is simply...negative comments. This is because of my personal experience...but I just want anyone who feels horrible...anxious, paranoid, or anything in between about themselves...what other people say...they’re just opinions! People have tons of them and we can’t just make them stop saying them because they won’t and that’s the truth. The solution here might seem fairly obvious...just don't listen...but stop dreaming! It doesn't work like that! It's a figure of speech, but actually not listening is never an option. Because of this it's been really hard for me. I’m still learning to voice my opinions and just get back...myself and I know many people out there will be against my opinions...and just me in general...and I think that that’s okay...this goes for everyone. Simply hold your beliefs higher when all else you seem to hear is hate. That's the true solution. If you don't feel validated by others, why does it matter so much? If you feel good about yourself, nothing about you needs validation. I dream it won't for us in the future. I dream it won't because you are so much more than that.

I dream you'll soon find that whatever you’re good at and whatever you’re bad at it doesn’t matter. That is who you are and you need to just hold your head up high and not let those negative voices get into your head. Life is unpredictable...our plans don’t always work no matter how hard we try because there's always going to be a pain in the neck stopping us from reaching our goals...everyone has at least one. But we can get through these challenges and we can get back our (mentally stable) selves and improve our personalities each and every time we slip up or fall. I have a dream for us that we can finally get the strength back to be ourselves even after all of these blue days.

Whenever I’m singing and my voice begins to crack or I have to lower/heighten the octave to compensate it makes me sad because I feel like I could’ve done better...whenever I get a B I feel badly because I know I could’ve gotten an A. IF ONLY! But these should’ve could’ve would've, what ifs and whatnots are all forms of regrets...of holding onto the past...I’ve been working on saying things like I can’t reach that note YET. I can’t bike that fast YET. I can’t do algebra efficiently YET...I’m not 5’10 YET...and so on...because I think it’s important not to overwork yourself...if it’s not working there might be a reason and you might need help...constantly feeling guilty and regretting decisions you’ve made...constant never ending anxiety...it’s all toxic! I have a dream that someday it will all be gone for us because hating on yourself because of your gender identity, sexuality, culture, race, ethnicity, height, weight...whatever it may be is JUST AS BAD, if not WORSE than others hating on you for it...because I feel you should be the last person in the world to despise yourself...even if the whole world is hating on you you should still be able to say one good thing about yourself and it needs to be REAL, from the heart...because loving others without loving oneself just isn’t right...we notice just 1000 times more than what others notice in ourselves...so before you make a negative comment about another person...just know that they’ve already most likely dwelled on that feature/characteristic, questioning themselves for HOURS at a time. I dream in the future we won't.

In the end people have enough problems to be dealing with stuff like that. We need to be educated about these things so that we’re able to try to teach others when they’re wrong in hopes to improve their thinking...I remember about a year ago a girl went on a long, WRONG rant with me...I didn’t know what she was talking about and so I mostly tuned her out but I now know just how WRONG that was of me to do that...because just by not doing anything I was showing her that her behavior was okay...and standing by it. I dream you won't do so or at least continue to for that's one of the most messed up and insane things one could possibly even think to do.

I’m anxious about seriously like...ninety nine percent of everything in existence but nothing in the world boils my blood like seeing a negative comment towards another person...because what’s the reason for it? There's no reason and I know what it can do...I’ve been there, done that. I don’t want to see others hurting in that way and I really wish it would stop but how I calm myself down is by giving others advice on how to take those negative comments (even if it’s...just my dog...). I dream you take this advice just so I can sleep peacefully at night.

If you ever are faced with a negative comment first off DO NOT ignore it. Tell someone you trust so that that behavior is not shown to be okay by default...even if it was a misunderstanding it’s better to be safe than sorry. DO NOT handle this situation on your OWN. DO NOT find dangerous methods of coping...and last but not least DO NOT try to fix yourself for anyone. If you feel the need to change FOR YOU because you feel it will improve YOU, help YOU, or negative comment towards another person...because what’s the reason for it? There's no reason and I know what it can do...I’ve been there, done that. I dream you don't have to do so at least for future reference.

If you feel the need to change FOR YOU because you feel it will improve YOU, help YOU, or because that IS YOU, that is when changing is okay...but if it is ever for others...if it’s seeking revenge on others by harming yourself...that is NEVER okay. (If you do feel this way please get help RIGHT AWAY!!!) That’s my advice from my personal experience and it’s wonderful to get it all off of my chest...I love crying to my dog about my problems but she just gets so confused like...what did I do??? Is this thing broken??? She doesn’t need my advice anyways though...she’s super happy being herself and totally calm ninety nine percent of the time, especially now that we’re always home...XD I’m even jealous of my own dog but please stop being jealous of others...it’s a waste of time and a shame because you’re YOU...no one’s more perfect at being you...so why try being like someone else? I dream you’ll at last come to the realization that doing such is all in vain.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a complete mess being me also...the feeling of just looking in the mirror and seeing a mess...I feel like a mess...constantly tired, anxious...paranoid...irritated...just my hair’s a mess, my face is a mess...everything’s a MESS!!! But behind that mess that I obsess over is a girl...and that girl is me. I love to not accept it but she is me, no matter how much of a mess I think she is...she has all sorts of flaws...she isn’t ideal at all...not even close. She’s been shaped by her experiences, both good and bad...and overall she’s a mess...but why is being a mess always such a bad thing? Being the mess I am...it’s taught me some really important things about life that without these experiences I may not even begin to understand. Your appearance may be a mess to you but to others just a quick smile could make them feel happier...A mess may just be a mess to you...you may seem like just a horrible, dreadful mess to you but in another person’s eyes, you are special...you are a treasure that brightens up their day. Without that mess of life experiences jumbled up together...without that beautiful human being staring back at you in the mirror you refer to as a mess...you wouldn’t be YOU, and there is nothing and no one like you...no one’s mess is the same...everyone has their very own unique mess and with hard work and dedication that mess can finally be accepted as who you are. Don’t ever for one second let it get you down because you or someone else believes that’s all you are and all you’ll ever be...a mess...because only YOU get to decide that...only YOU choose your life and live it your way. Don’t ever for one second think that the treasured mess you are is a bad thing...don’t dwell on it...don’t waste your time wishing you were some perfect entity that doesn’t exist because that perfect being you call a treasure feels like a mess too, just like YOU. You are a beautiful mess and in time you will become a beautiful architecture...but the first step is to accept you for what you are and realize that you are beautiful and still working on your masterpiece…(see Jessie J’s Masterpiece song :D). I’m working on mine...cleaning up my mess day after day after day...and it’s hard when you’re a mess...to not compare yourself to other beautiful buildings out there...I know it’s hard...but that beautiful building started out as a mess. That is YOU in the future but only if YOU choose it to be...so love yourself for all of you. I have a dream you will…so why can’t you?

What I did recently was I drew a picture of what I thought I looked like when I felt really down on myself...next I drew a picture of what I wished I looked like...then later when I’d calmed down and stopped my crazy crying and could actually look at myself without breaking down in tears I found a picture of myself...and then I compared the three (like I love to do...compare myself to...and then……..I ripped them all to pieces, stomped on them, put them in the shredder, threw them in the recycling bin and the next day watched through the window as the smithereens that were left were thrown into a recycling truck (*smiling). I did this as a way to show myself that NONE of those are me. They never have been...never were...never will be...those are just PICTURES. They are very short sided...the story starts with the picture and ends with it too...I’m more than a picture...ugly, average, pretty…(pretty UGLY-There’s ALWAYS a catch!)...IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY because in the end I know that that’s not me. I am more than my picture. I have a dream you someday see you are too.

I am a mess and I am proud of it. I’m working on improving myself each and every day and I don’t need some picture telling me who/what I am. I’m constantly changing for better or for worse and I am a beautiful mess. YOU’RE constantly changing for better or for worse and I want you to know that YOU are a beautiful mess. I have a dream you someday see this the same way I so effortlessly see everyone I know to be.

Others may see what’s on the outside as a primary factor of who they decide they like and don’t like...human nature is just to judge as quickly as possible...this is just how the world works, sadly...no matter how much we dream it not to be. However I try my best to not use stereotypes...but the a while back my parents were talking to me about me...getting/having a boy cut (which I now have...) and I said “others will think that I’m … I don’t want that...” and I didn’t realize how offensive such a comment truly was (bc I was being IGNORANT, IRRATIONAL, and JUDGEMENTAL) but it most definitely was offensive and stereotyping...and listening to what others have to say...the exact opposite of where I’m trying to be at right now!...then I addressed another issue I’ve been having lately and what people would think of me...it’s driven me insane and NOTHING I’ve been doing has been working so it’s been pretty irritating!...but besides being irritating it’s yet ANOTHER stereotype and worry of what other people think of me. This is what gets me called delusional and “living in an upside down world” and even worse...MENTAL. I have a dream someday I won't even feel the need to worry about such silly stuff and you won't either.

My brother used to talk to me about like...Dr. Who and politics and I wouldn’t listen...I’d be in my own anxious world being anxious about absolutely NOTHING and EVERYTHING all at once...and then he’d be like, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING!!!???” and then he’d tell me I could talk about anything or anyone that interested me...then I’d start with “I’m anxious…” and he’d shut me up right there. He was always like, "WHY CAN'T I HAVE A NORMAL SISTER WHO ACTUALLY SHARES INTERESTS WITH ME OR HAS ANY INTERESTS AT ALL!? WHY DOES SHE STAY UP ALL NIGHT STARING AT A WALL THEN SAY WATCHING DR. WHO OR TREVOR NOAH IS BORING!?" And he was right...my whole family is right that I’m a complete WEIRDO...MENTAL. I have a dream I someday can find myself again and both not feel or think the way I seem to constantly in order to stop feeling I am such. What others think might not mater but how I feel and how I'm affecting others by how I feel most certainly does.

I try my best day after day after day to not judge others but I ALWAYS end up judging myself...so I’m a complete HYPOCRITE...but in the end I’m positive that I’m not alone in this constant battle of you’re UGLY and YOU’RE NOT RIGHT and...yeah...and I get it that it’s hard to not judge others when it seems that everyone else is...but it seems nearly IMPOSSIBLE not to judge oneself with today’s beauty standards...but I just want the world to know that...whatever your gender, sexuality, looks...WHATEVER it may be that you’re feeling insecure about...you are NOT alone and there are so many people out there who understand you, who believe in you, who accept you, and who love you...even if you don’t feel like it. Beauty comes in so many different forms and there is absolutely no such thing as UGLY...no such thing as not being RIGHT or IDEAL...you are perfect, and I know you’ve heard this about a hundred times before...but you never listen!!! You never listen because you can’t seem to get it into your head that you are beautiful!!! I know...it’s hard...it’s so so so so so SO hard nowadays...but perfect isn’t a thing...it doesn’t exist...but you are as close as perfect gets because you are YOU and no one is more perfect at being YOU than YOU!!! I have a dream that in the future just the idea of being you puts a smile across your face each and ever day you awake to greet your reflection in the mirror.

Please please please PLEASE listen just this once...let this message really sink into your heart and let the doubtfulness in your soul melt away and restart...restart just by being YOU and allowing yourself to make mistakes and recognizing that YOU are NOT a mistake. You are a brilliant human being and you shouldn’t worry about how you stack up against others because that is just so DEBILITATING!!! I have a dream you see this too.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve cried for getting second instead of first...how many times I haven’t been able to sleep for fear I might fail...how many times I’ve just shut my mouth for fear of someone thinking I’m dumb...but NOT ANYMORE. Don’t do it anymore...for whatever reason you’ve been feeling like this...for however long you need to STOP...put it to an end NOW because it’s better that the world despises you for being you than you having to suffer all of your life for fear that the world will despise you...you don’t even KNOW that!!! Practice being yourself...say how you feel to someone, ANYONE, even if it’s just your dog...just practice being yourself and not caring what others have to say about it. I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point...don’t stare at a wall all night being anxious and expect your brain to work right I suppose...XD But yeah...that’s probably the most important advice I can possibly give because if you’re not able to be yourself then everything is made 10x harder than it already was. Take baby steps...I know you will get there and remember, you are beautiful inside and out and ugly doesn’t exist...but unrealistic beauty standards do. I have a dream that such disgustingly impossible standards might someday disappear but that's just so unrealistic as well. I have a dream that it won't matter what the standards are however, and that everyone can eventually find comfort in their own skin despite this horrible truth.

And also...I just want you to stop being so HARD ON YOURSELF...in middle school I was juggling basketball, soccer, running, NJHS, choir, band, babysitting (OMG I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!! XD The entire two years explained - “Can you please do your homework?” “Can you do it?” “Can you please clean up?” “Can you do it?”...and so on!!!)...and some other hard things of course occurred as they always do...and sometimes I would just have a total mental breakdown...over getting a B!!! Over not PRing in a 5k!!!...over just the dumbest things ever which I considered the absolute end of the world!!! I’m sure everyone’s felt like this before but just so you know...it’s not the end of the world...and you’re not being dumb...just don’t beat yourself up all of the time...and take a break from things that seem stressful. I have a dream you find peace even in the most stressful of times because the thing is that...when you feel like you HAVE to do it and that if you don't you won't amount to anything...THAT, my friend is when it’s time to take a break and find something for yourself where you can just use to calm yourself down. I have a dream you do!!!

You’re ENOUGH and whatever you do...however terrible you think you did...it’s ENOUGH...you gave your all and you won’t always get first place and that’s okay. I dream you can still find happiness in second, third, fourth...even a thousandth place!!!

You see, my great grandma Clara Emily (who I was named after backwards except her last name was Pepe’) was a feminist and civil rights activist and she didn’t make history but she gave her all to help people see how beautiful they were despite what other people said...what she did was ENOUGH even if she didn’t win a medal to show others. A medal doesn’t determine whether you gave your all or whether you’re enough...only YOU can determine that...and I despise hearing people saying they wish they could be more talented...I’m absolutely HORRIBLE at math personally...and cooking...and basketball, soccer, the butterfly stroke, not being anxious/paranoid for just a single day, sprinting...and a million other things I’m sure...and I’ve accepted it and I’m not going to go cry about it anymore because...just...why? It’s a waste of time and you shouldn’t cry about it either because you can still find something you’re good at and do the things you’re not, no matter what other people say. What other people say again, doesn’t define you...my doctor in 5th grade told me I was just going to be a drug addict as an adult...am I going to be a drug addict just because she said I’ll be one? No! No way! Just because people say these things doesn’t make them true in the slightest and I dream you can eventually find hope to change your thinking that they do.

You can get out of this...these feelings of hatred towards yourself or that the world hates you. These times are hard because people are just so...judgmental every year you feel like you can restart but then fail to because something’s holding you back...but what? Who’s holding you back? You can do or be anything you want and you can get yourself back, even though it’s hard. You can face these challenges and get through this and so many people out there care for you, are cheering you on and want you to succeed...like me. :D That’s why I created this mission spread love not COVID...because I just want you to know that you’re not alone, you’re worthy...and LOVED. Please spread your very own message of love to others and maybe we can reach the world. I dream we can. I have a dream we will.

But most importantly, I know we try and that's all that counts.

And please never forget, "Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life." - Steve Jobs.

Love, Em