Mirror, Mirror

Have you ever looked into a mirror but not really seen who is staring back at you.? Before Covid-19 took over the world, I remember waking up at 7:08 am every day, taking exactly 52 minutes, to get check my phone for weather and news updates, put on the clothes I picked out the night before, pack my lunch, and do a mental once over in the mirror infront of my door, in order to walk out of the apartment before 8:00 am to walk the 20 minutes to my office, with 10 minutes to spare to put my lunch in the break room, make my tea and have precisely 5 minutes of office shop talk before logging on to the rest of my scheduled day.

Yea, I know, it sounds like the most predictable morning routine ever. Of course, I used to think of myself as illustrious and mysterious, living in a metropolitan city, with a job within walking distance from a quaint little home and a life that did not completely stress me out. My days were planned, my evenings were eventful and my nights were blissfully my own to do with as I please.

Let's go back to the morning routine. Before leaving my home, I would look at myself in the mirror. I would check my face to make sure, there were no blemishes. I would check my outfit, to make sure it matched and there were no stains or last minute wrinkles. I would check my accessories, to make sure I had everything I needed : bag, earpods, phone, umbrella, etc. All, things checked off in the mental list in my head. But, was I really seeing myself.

Flashforward to today in 2021, I lost that job in that chic city, within walking distance of the apartment that I had called home. Due to Covid, my whole life upturned. Loosing that quaint little apartment and that cozy little job forced me back to having room mates and wondering where my next paycheck will come from.

My birthday was last week, it was always significant for me, since it is in the first month of the year. I always considered it as my personal restart to a new year. And, on this birthday, I remember looking in the mirror and actually seeing. I saw that my face had gained a few lines but not as many as most of my friends, and my lips were less chapped than they had been as a child probably due to not wearing braces and constantly applying chapstick. But, my hair had grown out from that impulsive pixie cut from 2 years ago and it was in an unruly bun and my body, was a little plumper around the edges. I was wearing a sleep shirt that I don't remember where I got it from and my eyes were a little red, probably from that 3rd glass of wine the night before that I drank by myself.

I looked in the mirror and was SO unhappy with what I saw. And, I realized that I don't remember when I started to change. I don't recall the memories of gaining a bit of weight, and not deep conditioning my hair enough so that it is more matted than it used to be and my skin, I don't remember the last time I did a face mask or drank my recommended amount of water in a day. I don't remember when I started drinking by myself and when I stopped smiling at myself when I used to look in the mirror.

I remember being a vain creature in my youth and taking pleasure in my appearance. But, with the routine and predictability of my life, I forgot what it felt like to live for myself and love myself.

2020 brought a lot of heart ache and misfortune into my life.

But, it wasnt until 2021 that I realized that it also brought me new opportunity.

I have a chance to break the mold that I was cozying myself into. To feel challenged and to feel the pressure of what life could be.

I have a chance to start again and to remember what I have done along the way.

And so today, when I look in the mirror, I smiled at the prospect of taking stock in the person that I am now, understanding that it's ok and to give myself grace on not knowing exactly where 2021 will take met and being excited for who I get to imagine myself to be and embracing that person and being present throughout the journey.