love me, or love me not

I was really excited when I first saw the Love Unraveled prompt on the challenges page a few weeks ago. I had numerous ideas running through my head about what I could write. Love encompasses so much, and I felt encouraged by having personal experiences many times with love.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to write anything at that moment, and by the time I got down behind my screen, everything was gone. I still had a few ideas, and one of the challenge prompts intrigued me, but my excitement was zapped. Everything felt forced and confusing. Nothing was flowing except for my drafts folder—which is currently in double digits. That was two weeks ago.

My job has kept me crazy busy recently. The new year always brings new changes and new kinks to work out. But I digress; you don't need to hear me vent.

I waited a week, and the next time I felt the creative itch, I opened Vocal up again, intending to brainstorm. I hated everything—nothing I was writing made me feel the love, which was the whole intention of the challenge. I didn't know what to do because usually, when I see a challenge and don't have any ideas or like anything I've written, I just leave it be. Skip it and try the next one. But something about this challenge had a hold on me from the beginning, and I was determined to see it through. Somehow.

But at that moment, I wasn't ready. I needed something to give me that ah-ha moment. So, I spent this past week reading as much as I could. Sidebar: I read a fairly large amount of books a year and this is my trigger warning that I am aware, but I'm also a writer, so I feel like it's par for the course. Back to what I was saying—this week, I read six books, basically one a day, but they were only 400 pages, not that big. And my favorite genre is romance, specifically dark, but that's for another post.

This means I consumed copious amounts of love in all forms. I was determined to find something I could pull from my readings to help relate to my personal journey with love to fit the challenge while also being my authentic self.

Cut to yesterday, I spent hours and hours trying to make something or anything work, and I had just about given up. I was giving so much energy to this challenge but wasn't getting any return because of my own limiting beliefs. By 7 PM last night, I threw in the towel. Deciding to try the next one.

Now, I actually thought this challenge closed yesterday. In my haste to find the perfect love story, I misread the date. So color me surprised when I went to check out the Vocal Challenges page this afternoon and saw Love Unraveled still open to submissions. Of course, in my Aquarius brain, I felt that was a sign. A sign I must have an idea ready to burst free, but I still didn't know how to coax it out.

I opened up one of the many drafts I had created randomly, and it was about examining the journey of self-love. This prompt was the first one I had seen when initially reading about the challenge. It was such a broad statement that could be taken in various directions. But it is also a strong statement because if you are at a point where you can examine your journey of self-love, you are a fucking warrior.

My personal journey with self-love is challenging. It's rough yet brittle to touch. I don't think I've gotten halfway through the journey, so I didn't feel I could speak about it. Except I realized I just created a new piece of my journey, and I plan to complete it.

It occurred to me that what I needed—to submit a story to the Love Unraveled challenge—was a little self-love. I turned this entire process into an overdramatic event in my head, and it had to be pristine. I was overthinking every little nuance because I wanted it to be amazing and received well. Thinking everyone needed to connect with my piece. And the only way it would be noticed is if there was a big emotional journey towards love and a dramatic ending. Clearly, I got some inspiration from my books, but maybe they weren't that helpful in this instance.

At the beginning of this journey, I was so excited to share some of my love with others with my words that I forgot to leave a little love for myself. To give a little grace because not every idea has to be a good one. So this is a love note to myself.

Data, so in the future, I believe in the journey to get me to my desired goal.

Gratitude, for the strength it takes to show my true self to the world without expectations.

Sometimes I love myself, and sometimes I don't. That's okay.

But this journey helped me unravel my thoughts about love. And I love that.

I love me for sharing a piece of my soul. No matter who reads. No matter the outcome. Finding a way to love myself, no matter how small, is what matters. That release is true healing. True inner peace. Real love.

P.S. I started this with 5 hours to go before the deadline. I'm submitting it with 2 left. That's a victory, baby. :P