Living your Passions!

What is passion? The definition of passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion. An extravagant enthusiasm or desire. To me, passions are what bring us joy. Moments that make our spirit feel alive when we are engaged in something. Since I was a child I’ve had a passion for writing. Whether it was stories, poems or music. Another passion I had growing up, that has been embedded in my soul, is to help others. I would always try to help friends who were experiencing toxic households because I had empathy towards their situations. At one point in my life, my mother told me “ You’re not the savior of the world, you must first save yourself.” I realize now what she meant. I would never be of any service to others if I wasn't happy or complete within myself. A person drowning can not help save another from drowning.

Due to certain childhood experiences and traumas I became less involved in pursuing my passions. My life went down a dark path. I rebelled, got into substance abuse, my mental health deteriorated, I became angry and lost my true self; that which The Universe had made me to be. Another dark version of myself emerged. I didn't trust anyone, I was living solely on survival instincts and I built a wall to keep people from getting too close to me. Behind that wall I was ultimately afraid, alone and sad. For the next two decades I continued to live this destructive toxic lifestyle. I hurt anyone and everyone who got too close to me. The phrase “ hurt people hurt people '' literally described my life. My family and eventually even my children suffered. It all stemmed from my lack of loving myself which reflected as being emotionally unavailable and disrespectful, to myself and others. I had become, in a way, a monster. I was selfish, controlling, and full of rage. This little girl inside me, who was my true self, was held hostage behind that wall. Secretly trying to find a way to escape, to be happy and full of love again. It was her hope and faith, deep down, that kept me alive.

December 5, 2018 I was arrested and court ordered into recovery. It was that day that little girl behind the wall was rescued. This past year has been such a humbling experience for me. It is the most painfully amazing journey I've ever experienced. I've learned, in order to break down that wall and slay that monster I had become, I needed to heal. Now I know, the only way I can heal is to align with and surrender to my higher power/Divine Energy Source. Creator is love and only love and light can drive out the darkness. I had to learn forgiveness. Forgiveness to those who hurt me and most importantly forgiveness to myself, for my past actions. No longer carrying the pain, guilt, shame and regrets the bricks of the wall started to break down. My true self has emerged and has begun to slowly and cautiously start trusting people. I can be transparent and vulnerable today with the faith that my story of experience, strength and hope can be the testimony that will oneday help break another's wall. My passions have reignited into a blaze of fire and like a phoenix I rise from the ashes of my old life using my words to help others know it is possible to escape the darkness. With an open mind and willingness to change, lost dreams can awaken and new possibilities arise!