Life After Divorce

Meeting the love of your life is one of the most tantalizing moments you can experience. Outside of it there is nothing else that comes close to the euphoria. As we begin to willingly transfer our lives into the bubble, comfort becomes the foundation of our new sense of existence.

As the bubble expands, you find yourself talking about kids and getting married knowing the work you need to put into this relationship will last the rest of your lives because the love between you is unbreakable.

Year’s pass, and the bubble feels a little differently than it used to. For some, the relationship can be revived but for most a flat line begins to sound. What no one tells you is the bubble doesn’t just pop. That would be too easy.

Life after divorce is one of the most difficult & subjective experiences but what’s most important is to experience this implosion of the bubble in a way that makes sense to you.

If you’re interested in the candid thoughts of a 20-something year old divorcee please continue on reading.

Miss work, but not too much

There will be more times than you can count regarding how difficult it will be to get out of your bed. Your responsibilities are present in the room with you but the heartache is too good at drowning them out. Keeping your routine will help you to remember there is some normalcy left in your life and can be an excellent grounder. The tears will come in spurts and you’ll find that no one a part from close friends and family care. Most of the time, they don’t see someone going through a hard time, they see someone who’s missing a lot of work.

To continue, no one cares

Divorce is as intimate as a wedding ceremony and should thus be shared only with people you consider to be excellent confidants. Emotional maturity and empathy are a rarity in people and there is nothing worse than receiving an “Aww are you okay?” from Emma in the break room who’s going to spread it to Tanya from Human Resources.

Don’t rebound straight away

Fix your face, I said what I said. As unpopular as this point will probably be I stand beside it wholeheartedly. There are emotions and pain running rampant so deeply inside of you that you will continue to feel their presence for a long time. Sex and the like will slowly begin to transform into self gratification wrapped in escapism until all that’s left are the same wounds that are now covered in dirty band aids. Superficial encounters will remind you that your ability to connect with people has been compromised, shoving you deeper into the anxiety of what’s happening to you currently.

Connecting with people will feel very different

Previously, I mentioned connecting with people would feel different and this is absolutely the truth. Until you let your guard down again the depth of allowing yourself to embrace connections will be afflicted. Guarded people are more susceptible to bitterness, self loathing and anger. All are spirit killers and work steadily and slowly like a virus. An u pside is you'll also deeply appreciate genuine connections on a heightened level.

People love to figure out who was to blame

Do yourself a favor, don’t tell them. Let them pry and create those scenarios for themselves because if they don’t know what happened it’s because they’re not a confidant and therefore are not essential for your betterment. Nosy people love a good story because they love retelling them to other nosy people. And remember, laying blame is not the point and is also not the root of the split anyway, the lingering issues were. So don’t you go there either.

There is love afterwards if you want it

I am currently experiencing one of the happiest times of my life with a man that has brought so much joy. This part can come first, last or in the middle of your healing so before making the jump reflect on if you’re really ready. The worst thing you can do is drag them into your battles and potentially wound them.

Cut off communication with the ex

They do not need to be along for the ride because getting better is all about you. They’re a reminder of what was and therefore cannot be a part of your ‘what is’ or ‘what’s to come’. Put them in your ‘what was’ box along with that bad haircut you had in the 90’s and keep looking forward. Any other direction is counterproductive.

Pity party rules of engagement

Treat these shindigs like a good night out; enjoy it until the night ends and after that get yourself home safely. A lot of emotional damage can happen if these rage on for too long and the last one to figure this out will be yourself.

Lastly, say this out loud “My marriage failed”

Taking ownership is one of the most influential and intelligent moves you can make. Understanding what happened is difficult to grasp at first but coming to terms that it didn’t work is very attainable on both sides and cannot be argued against.

Whatever comforts you do it modestly and with passion. If you pray, pray with intense purpose and humility. If you drink, do so in moderation and never alone. If you like breaking things, do so in a controlled environment far away from your ex’s house & possessions.

No matter the path you’re on right now, you are not alone and you have everything you need to survive this. Your mental health is precious and must be a priority at all times so you can remember you’re still the same dope person you were before any of this happened. Just keep breathing.