Let Go

Now I'm not a fan of airing dirty laundry out on public forums, however I felt the need to share my personal story with you today, as I really want to highlight, not only the difficulty, but also the necessity, importance, and blessing, of parting ways with toxic people in our life. I am going to say this upfront, as my blog entries and my website are designed to encourage positivity, to motivate, to inspire, and to ensure our life is blessed with happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment, and success, so I am in no way writing this blog entry today with the intention to have a dig or a swipe at certain individuals in my life, nor is it out of any form of revenge, nor is it in any way to designed to relieve some personal frustration and anger off my chest. Sometimes, in order to create positivity, happiness, and success, in our life, there will be times where we first need to identify and address the negative aspect to certain things, then discuss the reasoning behind it, and then take action. It's just like gardening, with the fact that there may be some beautiful roses that are growing in our garden, but we simply can't pretend there won't be any weeds around the plant itself, or ignore them when they are there, therefore we continually need to monitor them and remove them accordingly. So let's get into the topic of toxic people. Firstly, what constitutes a toxic person? I thought I'd Google the definition for you, and it was interesting that the first website that came up on the search feed was a medical one. Why is that interesting? Because even medical experts have identified the damage and harm that toxic people can do to us mentally, highlighting the importance of why we need to remove them from our life. From the snippet that leads to the website of https://webmd.com, the short description of their article reads as follows; "A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. You always have to defend yourself to this person. You never feel fully comfortable around them. You continually feel bad about yourself in their presence." I would say that's a pretty damn good summary of exactly what constitutes a toxic person.

No we know what defines a toxic person, let me get into my personal story. Now I haven't shied away from the fact these past few months have been the toughest period of my entire life. It has had a huge impact on me mentally, and I'd be a liar to say that I don't feel completely exhausted and mentally drained. Such was the hurt and pain, not to mention the unexpectedness and suddenness, of what transpired, it's no surprise that the mental stress and anguish of it all has led me back into a time of depression. The truth is, my wife separated from me only a couple of days before Christmas, as I mentioned, without any communication, discussion, warning, or even reasoning. It's also no surprise for me to say that last Christmas was the worst I have ever had, spent alone, and in complete sadness. Now I don't need to get into the details of it all, and naturally there are two sides to every story, so I'm certainly not going to paint her out to be the bad guy, whilst I sit here and play the victim. That's not what this blog entry is about. Naturally, upon hearing the news that she wanted to exit our marriage, I was devastated, I was hurt, and I was extremely upset, to the point I think I cried nearly every day for around 6 weeks thereafter. To love someone with all your heart, and want the world for them, only to have them turn around and break off the relationship or marriage, it's damn hard to take. The realization that life was going to be totally different to what you had anticipated, and that the marriage that was to be forever was no longer going to be that at all, it's painful. I say it often though, through every time of adversity, there always lies an opportunity.

I'm going to be honest and say that over the past couple of years, I felt my wife was becoming toxic to me. She was very unsupportive of my goals, and the future I was trying to build for our family, she was constantly negative and pessimistic, she would never defend my honor, she would gossip negatively about me behind my back to her friends and family, and all of a sudden everything was becoming about her, not us as a couple, like what she believed was her money and not ours, as an example. The signs were there for me for sure, however I have always been a strong believer that when you marry someone, and you make an eternal commitment to eachother on that wedding day, then you work through the hard times and your differences. Unless there is unfaithfulness or abuse, I don't believe divorce should ever be an option, it just means you're not applying and dedicating yourself enough as a couple to your relationship, but that's just my opinion. It's like anything in life really, we shouldn't give up on something just because things aren't going to plan, not without valid reason anyway. So with all this pain, hurt, and sadness, I have endured over the past few months, compounded with another challenge she has unfairly thrown at me, plus a couple of other personal issues I am in the process of dealing with, I have seen a light throughout all of this darkness. I talk a lot about how we should focus on the things we can control, and not waste energy on the things we can't, well I have accepted the fact that she does not wish to reconcile whatsoever, and I cannot in any way control her feelings or her mind, therefore I need to shift my focus onto my future now, and work on designing how that will look moving forward now as a single, rather than as a couple, as I have for the past 9 years. As much as it hurts to part ways with someone who I gave my heart to, and who was my world, that light that has appeared in my hour of darkness, has reminded me of how toxic she has been to me these past couple of years, and how she has been dragging me down, that by her making the decision to part ways may just be a blessing. I have been released from her toxicity. Now I hate to say that, because as I said, I loved her with all my heart and always wanted the best for her in life, but it's such a shame that the supportive, caring, loving, and compassionate girl that I met 9 years ago, has become influenced by toxic, negative and pessimistic people herself, to the point that she has followed suit.

It's not a pleasant story by any means, nor is it one that I enjoy discussing, and again, the purpose for it is not about criticizing my ex-wife, and making her out to look bad. She has her reasons for leaving me, there are always two sides to every story, and as I said, I can't change her feelings. The point I am getting at is that it's often painful to let go of someone from your life, someone you love and care for dearly, someone who is in your heart and whom you wish the best for in life, yet sometimes it's necessary for your own benefit to do so. If these certain individuals are toxic, and they are always being unsupportive, negative, and pessimistic, perhaps they are continually putting you down, or maybe they aren't helping you grow and develop in life, then often the best option for you is to let them go. They could be constantly critical and judgmental, or they perhaps love to believe they are superior to you by mocking you and belittling you, or maybe they never admit to fault, then let them go. You will know those who are toxic to you because they constantly try and make you feel bad, always dragging you from a positive mindset into a negative one, always criticizing you for your decisions and actions. How can you achieve positivity and positive outcomes in life, if you are continually surrounded by negative and toxic people? You can't! It's simple physics that when a positive meets a negative, it becomes a negative. Not only have I accepted to part ways from my wife, and her toxicity, but I have also recently parted ways with someone who was a close friend. He too had these toxic traits in which he never would admit to his mistakes, he would never admit when he was in the wrong, he always talked down to me, he always loved to make me look foolish in public, he would always criticize me for my views and opinions, he would never support my decisions and actions, he would gossip negatively behind my back, and he was always negative and pessimistic, especially on social media. I've been friends with this particular person for 27 years, so it was again an extremely difficult thing to do, but necessary.

Okay, so why do we need to remove these such people from our life? Why is it necessary that we part ways with certain friends, or our partner, or anyone else whom we believe is toxic? Simple, to preserve our own mental well being and happiness. Why should we be made to feel unhappy, or why should we be forced to engage in negativity all the time? In the definition above, it states that these toxic people have their own trauma and stresses in life that they are dealing with, as I think we all do, but they take their frustration, anger, and insecurities out on others. They drag others down with them, because they believe if they can't be happy and successful themselves, then no one else should be either. If we genuinely want our future to be filled with success, happiness, and satisfaction, then we need to surround ourselves with those who are positive minded, who are goals driven, who are uplifting, who are inspiring, who are supportive, who are motivating, and who are encouraging. We need to be in an environment in which we feel inspired, motivated, and positive minded, in order to help us make more proactive and beneficial decisions for ourselves, and in order to keep us active in the pursuit of our goals. We want to be able to pursue our goals, and have others around us encouraging and supporting us to do so, not those who are criticizing us, judging us, and suggesting we quit the pursuit. We need to identify those people around us, who are negative minded and toxic, and we need to have the courage to part ways with them, for our own benefit, and the benefit of our future and goals, because otherwise we will drown in their toxicity also. We should never feel guilty in doing so either, and guaranteed, these toxic people will turn around and place the blame on us, making us feel bad for parting ways, but we need to remain strong. Our focus should be primarily on three things, our health, our happiness, and our goals. Anyone who prevents us from striving for these things in life, are toxic. At the end of the day though, the responsibility to be happy, healthy, and goals driven, relies totally on ourselves. We can't expect others to achieve these for us, even if they are our partner, friend, or other loved one. As today's quote states, letting go of people doesn't mean we hate them, it just means we respect ourselves, and value our happiness, health, and ambitions in life. How much do you value your happiness, health, and ambitions? Are you prepared to find the courage within yourself to let go of those toxic people in your life?

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