Lesson Number One

Who cares? That is the lesson I learned. It sounds kind of harsh, at first. "Who cares" have become two words that I often find myself asking myself when I am caught mentally overthinking life.

When I first found out about my son, I was nervous, and I was a wreck. I had not finished college yet, I was working minimum wage jobs, and without even realizing at the time, I was in the most toxic relationship I would ever experience. I remember feeling like an instant let down to my unborn child, because at the time there was no way I was going to able to take care of all of this child's needs. Without even having to be told, I knew how expensive raising a child can become- we see all the memes about it. So naturally, I panicked. Without even having a plan of some sort, I already knew in my heart and soul that I loved this child, and that this child was mine. Abortion and adoption were NEVER an option for me. Let us keep in mind that I am by no means religious, but I knew this unplanned pregnancy was happening for a reason.

So let's fast forward to the morning of my son's birth. (I plan on sharing my pregnancy journey with mama who are interested soon!) March, 11, 2019: a day I will never forgot for as long as I shall I live. My son's arrival, the moment I have waited for for 8 long, long months. (I was induced at 36 weeks). The actual labor and delivery went rather smoothly. It was the moment my son, Sebastian Lee, and I had our first chest-to-chest moment. I remember holding him and having shakes run throughout my entire body- my doctor said it is normal as my body was also in shock due to labor and delivery. I remember the moment he looked up at me and I realized one thing- my son was not even thirty minutes old when I thought to myself: "If something were to happen to me tomorrow, there is NOTHING in this world that I can leave behind to help guide my son through this mess called society and life". It was that thought and that thought alone, that made me want to do better not only as a mother, but as an African American woman as well. I needed to show my son and myself that no matter what society and life may throw at you, you are still able to get back up off the ground and try again.

Of course, things like these do not happen overnight. Minutes, hours, days, and weeks went by before I was able to gather the courage and make the ultimate change of my life. Sebastian was just over 9 months old when I left his father. I will not go into too much detail right now (saving that story for special time). Nonetheless, I left his father. Looking back, it was the best choice I could have made for myself and my son- but at the time, it was the most scary choice. When I left his father, I had no idea what it took to be a single mother. I had no idea how I would make this work for my son and I- but like mamas always do, I quickly created a plan. The first step to getting back on the right path was to re enroll into my classes. The last time I was in college was in 2016. At this time it was the Fall of 2019- it had been a LONG three years. I was scared and nervous to return. I kept asking myself "how can I do all this school and raise my child". Once I was in classes, I found myself constantly covered with mom-guilt because the thought of "you are spending too much time on school work and not enough time with your son", kept running through my mind - especially during the late hours of the night. --- And that's when it happened: that's when I had my first, true "Who Cares?" moment. I remember literally asking myself "who cares what others may thinking of parenting while I am also a full-time student?" , and then I remember telling myself "the whole reason we are in school is better my son and I's living conditions and find a more stable career". It was as if all the doubt was quickly tucked into bed- into a deep, almost comatose slumber. It felt good. It felt calming to know that I really do not have to give in to such negative and belittling thoughts. It felt refreshing to know that all society and social media makes it seem as though life is this major competition- you do not have to participate in the race. Who cares. I learned in my short 26 years on this planet that in order to truly be happy in this crazy society, one has to let go of constantly forcing themselves to uphold other's ideals, opinions, and expectation. It was going back to school that made me have the realization that once the day comes and I am on my deathbed, I do not was to talk about all the things I could've and would've done but didn't because I was too busy living to everyone else's standards- no, I want to reflect and remember the happy life I led because I chose to live for myself. I chose to love myself for myself.