Learning to Love Myself First and Foremost

We all tend to sit back, take a deep breath, and start unraveling past events at different stages of our lives. It's like watching a movie in reverse. If only we had seen what was coming. Would we have acted differently?

If I had taken a different course, would things be different now?

Would it have made a difference if we had not moved to the other side of the country?

Our conscience is a wonderful weapon. “I told you so, but you wouldn’t listen. If only you had listened, you wouldn’t be in this situation.”

You can think of a hundred and one things to do differently. But, there's no guarantee that the outcome would be any different. Procrastination does not do anything, but it is so hard to avoid.

We can’t predict some things, or maybe we don’t want to see what's around the corner.

About halfway through the year, I realized my twenty-six-year marriage was finally over. I had trouble accepting the early signs. I was in denial. Full of self-pity – “Why did this happen to me? I have done nothing wrong except to love you."

I would repeat that to myself, like a form of slow Chinese water torture.

Accepting it was not easy, and a prolonged medical condition complicated the situation. This kept me engaged and still does, but I am more accepting of it now. I love my wife, ex-wife, estranged wife, whatever it is. I want her to be happy. I hope she finds someone who will love her, provide for her needs, and show her respect.

For the longest time, I could not understand why it was not me. With that, I guess I was investing more of my life in her than in myself. The medical condition did not help. I was scared to leave her alone. I knew she could not cope.

People would say, ‘Cut her loose; she has chosen her pathway, and you must get on with your life. ghee is nothing that you can do.”

I couldn’t do it.

I did not have it in me.

I took our vows very seriously. The phrase, 'for better or worse, in sickness or health,' consumed my mind and actions.

It haunted me.

She was not well and needed someone to give her strength and care. someone to love her and help her on her path to recovery. My life could wait.

I was not going anywhere in a hurry anyway.

It wasn’t until I realized there was no going back that I started to think about myself.

When you have married three times and each time has failed, you can’t help but think, “Maybe, just maybe, it's me!"

My two previous marriages ended in ugly divorces for many reasons. This time, it was different. You do not expect, after twenty-six years, to dissolve into thin air.

Upon reflection, there were good reasons why it was no longer so. I thought about it in the early morning hours when I should have been sleeping. For many months, I obsessed over the why rather than accepting that it was the way it was. My first ah-ha moment!

My wife had moved on and was looking for a different life. I was stuck in quicksand. I could not go forward; I could not go backwards. I was stuck in the middle with nowhere to go. Life was passing me by. Every day was like Groundhog Day. Trapped in a predictable existence, to say the least.

I wavered in and out of depression. But I was too stubborn, or maybe too proud, to seek anything but counseling. I had tried medication before in my life, and it had not helped. I had deduced a while ago that, for me, the side effects were worse than experiencing depression.

Sometimes, I felt like I was in a deep, dark hole with no ladder to climb up to get me out. Other times, I obsessed over caring for my wife. Our relationship had become more like one of a father and daughter than two people who once were very much in love.

I had become very insular, seldom going out and spending most of my time at home with two little dogs. They were, and are, great company. The one thing about animals, especially dogs, is that they can read your feelings.

Many times when I was feeling despondent, they would come and sit close and just be there. Even this would make me feel guilty.

They were meant to be my wife's, but when she got unwell, she could not cope with them. So, I took on the role of looking after them—a challenge I gladly accepted; I love them to pieces.

It was likely the start of October when I experienced my second and greatest ah-ha moment.

I actually didn’t mind my own company!

What I thought was destructive, and in many ways was, was something to embrace. It was all right if I spent time to myself. I rationalized that when the time is right, and I am ready to face the big wide world again, I will, but in my time.

As long as I keep challenging myself and reassuring myself that I am not a social leper (well, not yet, anyway), it is okay.

Perhaps this time of solitude and reflection was just what I needed to let the scars heal and learn to love myself again. How can I expect anyone else to if I don't love myself?

I am more at peace now. I will always be there for my wife as long as she wants me to be. I have spent almost half of my life with her, and I do not take that lightly.

What once was is no more, and I accept that and wish her well on her journey. That single realization has helped me so much.

Everything happens for a purpose.

Sometimes it takes a while for the message to sink in and for us to realize that.

I am making plans to take a holiday next year. I haven't had a holiday in over four years. This year, I also found the power of writing. I now have the confidence to express myself. There is a long way to go, but I am invigorated.

Maybe, it is just because I had a good sleep; who knows!

I will enter next year with a new attitude: "Love yourself more than anyone else. You are the only one who will be there at life's end."

Till next time,

Calvin