Just A Start

About a year before I graduated high school, I realised I would probably lose contact with all the people around me in the few years ahead. My brother and sister had both lost their friends after they graduated and I knew it would happen to me. Everyone was promising to stay in touch but they wouldn’t.

That was probably a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

The other thing that I began to notice was that people had plans, most of them going to university, or entering trades - the safe choice in a small town like ours. My life plan had been “publish a crazy good story and get rich” which I had always known was about as realistic as winning the lottery but somehow I had still never thought of a real plan.

And so while everyone else was excited about the future I began to panic. And the panic killed any spark of belief in my writing I had ever had. I was already diagnosed with depression but losing my outlet plunged me much deeper.

I have spent the last eight years utterly lost, completely miserable, and losing every bit of motivation and capability I needed to function. It’s been hell. I’ve been on several different medications, seen four different counsellors and psychologists and psychiatrists, developed an already restrictive diet into a full complex disorder, gained a lot of weight, had frighteningly high blood pressure for my age, and seriously considered hospitilization in the last year. I lost the will to live. Last year was the absolute worst - I stopped eating, because there was nothing I could stomach, I drank only cola, and I completely stopped caring that I was basically committing a very slow suicide.

I credit my therapist with saving me, as well as my mother. They convinced me to get off the medication I was on - which it turned out had raised my blood pressure and increased my anxiety - and try yet another one. And it has made a big difference. I’m finally feeling just enough motivation to try again and that’s all I needed.

I’m definitely not good yet! Over the years my diet has become dangerous and my fitness level is non-existent. I stopped doing housework and getting into the habit of cleaning up is hard. I’m still trying to rebuild a routine. I’ve only recently begun to reconnect with a couple of friends from high school. And I haven’t written anything since high school... until now. It’s a start. I expect I’m going to have problems ahead, two steps forward and one step back. But I can only make a change by starting small and just starting! I’ve wasted the last eight years of my life and I’m closer to 30 than I’d like to be, but the longer I wait to try the more time I’ll waste.

And so I wanted to write something. I thought, it might as well be something from the heart, and hopefully someone will read it and have hope that they can pull through too, no matter how long it has been. Maybe changing your medication won’t be the thing that helps, but I encourage everyone who is losing hope to think about their options. It might be something very small that makes the difference. And take it slowly. The future is big and scary and unknowable, so think about the next minute. Then the next hour. Maybe the next day. You can do it.